A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 5 - Computing and technology

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 5: COMPUTING AND TECHNOLOGY

Nerd words that are going mainstream

ALPHA GEEK n. The most technically knowledgeable person in a company, or group, to call on when things go wrong. At such moments, you will regret ever calling them anoraks, and see them for the ominscient, God-like creatures they always believed they ought to be.

BEEPILEPSY n. The sudden loss of concentration that occurs when your bleeper goes off. Symptoms: sentences become garbled; facial twitches; immediate responsibilities are instantly abandoned . . .

BETAMAX v. To outlive a competing technology: named after the video-recording system that fell victim to the VHS. So the CD, for instance, has betamaxed vinyl. But watch out to see whether new digital technologies can betamax even the VHS.

BIO BREAK n. Something that even Net-heads occasionally need: a toilet visit. Some prefer the more poetic term downloading.

BIOMETRICS n. sci. The new technology that applies statistical analysis to biological data. It works on the basis that each of us has an electronic "signature", with distinct patterns of iris, fingerprint, voice and body odours. And now that machines can map us, the PIN number at cashpoints is on the way out.

BOGOSITY n. sl. The degree to which something is bogus - meaning useless or incorrect, or simply wrong, in computer-hacker slang. This leads to a hacker's response to someone who has just said something so outrageously bogus that it has slid off the bogosity scale: "You just pinged my bogometer."

BOGUE OUT v. sl. To become bogus (qv) suddenly and unexpectedly. Fear of this is known, needless to say, as autobogotiphobia.

BRAD'S MOM n. The target customer for Microsoft's computer equipment, named after the mother of a senior executive. The company has its own in-house slang, and the question that is asked about new software is: "Yes, but can Brad's mom figure it out?"

BROWN DWARF n. The name astronomers give to objects too large to be planets but too small to be stars. Be careful not to touch if you come across one of the 22 or so said to have been discovered recently: their surface temperature is around 2,000F.

BROWN OUT n. What you get when the electricity supply is under such strain that the voltage falls. Not quite as serious as a blackout, when the whole supply is cut, though not too healthy for intensive-care patients.

CLICKSTREAM n. The rate at which you call up electronic information services - often by literally clicking your computer mouse. It's the industry's best hope of charging you for the privilege: your clickstream hopes to define your bill.

CRACKER n. A computer buff who steals software. Not to be confused with hackers , usually those who get into systems illegally, or traders , those who spread pirated software.

DIGERATI n. pl. The elite of the computer (or "digital") age, these are the power-brokers and trend-shapers who have mastered the technology and make the decisions that will eventually filter down to the masses.

DIGITAL HOMELESS, THE n. pl. The unwired old-timers who are going to miss out on the new communications world because they're not "digitally literate". This is the verdict of media guru Nicholas Negroponte, who says plug in now.

DISK-DANCER n. comp. Someone who signs up to online services using free-offer disks and bogus credit-card numbers. When found out, they move to another free account.

D-MAIL n. The term used to describe all those unsolicited e-mail messages that keep arriving on your computer screen urging you to spend your money or publicising a cause. An on-line version of direct mail, but more difficult to stop. In cyberspace no one can hear you reach for the virtual rubbish bin.

DOMINATE v. A verb that no longer exists at Microsoft. So many employees have been quoted about the company's domination of the software business that questions are being asked in Congress. Microsoft now teaches them to talk about leading rather than dominating.

E-CASH n. Electronic cash: what Internet-based retailers hope you will soon be spending.

E-VERDICT n. What Judge Hiller Zobel delivered in 1997 when he published his conclusions in the Louise Woodward case. A variation on email, the term has also been joined by e-cash (see above), e-stalker, e-voting and e-commerce.

ELVIS YEAR n. The year a piece of software, or any computer application, is at its most popular. Because Elvis may have been around for years, but he wasn't always top of the pops.

FLAME v., n., sl. Aggressive email messages, and the act of sending them, in computer-speak. They often come shouting (IN CAPITAL LETTERS, a gross offence against the Internet etiquette known as netiquette ), and are generally known as flamage. It's logical, therefore, that software designed to protect you from such acrimonious verbal conflict is made from asbestos.

FLAME MAIL n. comp. A provocative email designed to insult, or flame , the recipient. Those pacifying Internet users who seek to put out the flame wars are, needless to say, known as firefighters.

GASBAGGING n. A contemporary encounter one is liable to have with certain makes of hi-tech executive car. It occurs when the airbag inflates for no accountable reason as you are happily speeding along. Not generally considered to be particularly street-cred.

GRONK OUT v. sl. To go home and get some sleep, after a long session of computer hacking. Don't confuse this with gonking: that, in hacker-speak, means prevaricating or embellishing the truth beyond any reasonable recognition. So a gonkulator is a pretentious piece of equipment that serves no useful purpose.

GWEEP sl. comp. Someone whose use of computers is limited to that required by their work. It's geek slang that roughly translates as the opposite of the hacker , someone who can find no purer moment that that spent tapping into a keyboard (also known as mouse potatoes).

I-APPLIANCE n. The household appliance of the future, designed to be connected to the Internet (hence the I) so it can communicate with other appliances. We've already got TVs that want to be computers, and computers that want to be answering machines: soon, if industry chiefs have their way, you'll be using the toaster to collect email and the hairdryer to browse an online magazine.

INTERCAP v. To capitalise a letter in the middle of an invented word - say, WordPerfect or CompuServe - so readers will not fail to look twice at your product's name. Favoured by the computer industry, and a term noted by Douglas Coupland in his book Microserfs. Or should that be MicroSerfs?

NOTWORK n. comp. A computer network that is not working.

OFFLINER n. One who prefers not to use the Internet. Also known among some marketing consultants as an Internot.

OLF n. A new scientific unit to add to the joule, the watt and the amp. This one, calculated by a Danish scientist, measures the odour released by machines such as photocopiers. It is the odour emitted by a "standard European person". And Europe wants your office to have 0.1 olfs per square metre. Seriously.

PHREAKER n. A computer hacker who particularly enjoys exploiting telephone networks. They break into computer systems in every continent, and spend much of their time sending messages to each other down the cables, as they believe it's seriously good to talk.

PSYCHOMOTOR AGITATION n. med. Internet-withdrawal symptoms, a new phenomenon identified by an American academic who notes nervous hand movements in those who are kept from their mouse. In other words, the cyber-shakes.

PUSH THE ENVELOPE v. phr. To test something or somebody to the limit, and then a bit further. The envelope, in aviation, is the known limit of a plane's range and powers - so nowadays advertisers, or scientists, who push the envelope are risking everything in the quest for innovation.

SAGAN n. comp. A very large number, in Net jargon - after Carl Sagan, the astronomer, who was fond of talking about "billions and billions" to make his cosmological points.

SALMON DAY n. A day in which you appear to be making hours of progress - but get snared in the end, and so achieve nothing. Just like the salmon who seems to be going happily upstream, until inevitably caught. Favoured by Net-heads after a long, frustrating session.

SAMURAI n. sl. In computer-hacker slang, this is someone who breaks into files to steal information for relatively lawful purposes - perhaps to help a lawyer pursuing a human-rights case. As opposed to the dark-side hackers, those who crack into confidential files for criminal or malicious ends.

SAVERTISEMENT n. A computer screen-saver - an image, often moving, designed to protect the screen - that contains a company's product message. The latest idea in webvertising, the trend towards placing advertisements on the Internet.

SHOVELWARE n. Computer software of such low quality that people tend not to want to buy it - so manaufacturers shovel it out to the public through retailers.

SPACE JUNK n . The debris floating around Earth because previous space missions notably didn't bag their rubbish to take home afterwards. There's so much of it up there now that Nasa's worried about it snagging a spaceship - although the levels of junk floating around Camden Market on a Sunday afternoon would seem to pose a more immediate threat to civilisation.

SPAM v., n. comp. To email unwanted information in vast quantities to people who don't want to receive it. From Monty Python's sketch about the cafe that served only Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam. As a verb, to spam can also mean to tell someone more detailed information than they could ever hope to absorb (for instance, your detailed thesis about linguistic coinages in Monty Python sketches).

SPOOF v. To gain access to a remote computer by forging the Internet address
of a machine you know. Your cybergoal: to attain root status , the full access the head systems operator enjoys.

STEALTH TOWER n. A telecommunications aerial in plain clothes - disguised as a tree, for intance, or a turret in a church tower. Everyone wants a mobile phone, but no-one wants the ugly tall masts - hence the trend towards hiding them in less noticeable towers in disguise.

STRUDEL-POST n. sl. Electronic mail, in current cyber-slang. Why? Just look at that little symbol in the middle of e-mail addresses, such as letters@guardian. co. uk. Doesn't that @ look like a strudel to you?

SUPERATOM n. A newly discovered, and really rather cold, form of matter. When rubidium atoms are taken down in temperature to almost minus 273C, they start behaving strangely. Don't handle without a coat.

TAFUBAR acr. An acronym, current in computing circles, that spells out the worst: Things Are Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition. Well, not necessarily fouled up . . .

TELEDILDONICS n. In the rather restrained definition of the Oxford Dictionary people, this is "the use of virtual reality to mediate sexual interaction between computer users not physically in the same place". In other words, on-line shagging - and you don't even need to call a taxi afterwards.

TELEMATICS n. Your electronically-chauffeur-driven car of the future if France and Germany have their way. They want the EU to develop new telematic technology that will automate car driving. It might de-congest the roads - but will it get you a parking space?

TROLL v. comp. To use the Internet to look for something specific - as opposed to surfing, the more random type of browsing on the World Wide Wait (as users are increasingly calling the over-subscribed and busy World Wide Web).

VOICE JAIL n. New York slang for that ethereal place where you find yourself trapped in this hi-tech telephone age. The electronic operator tells you to try again later; the recording says "Press 6 for service . . ." and the answering machine tells you to send a fax - but forget about actually talking to a real person.

WORM n. comp. A piece of rogue software which keeps reproducing itself inside the victim network until it can no loner function.