A Glossary for the Nineties: Miscellaneous chapter dividers
[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]
MISCELLANEOUS CHAPTER DIVIDERS:
Emoticons: the new non-verbal language
One vividly expressive form of communication has prospered in the nineties - and it involves no words, no sounds and no face-to-face contact. All it amounts to, in fact, is a short series of keystrokes that puts a squiggle or two on to your computer screen. But boy, the complexity of emotion that those squiggles can convey.
They are called emoticons, or smileys, and they are used to send messages through electronic mail. They work on the basis that many of the symbols on the keyboard could, with a certain degree of imaginative licence, be said to resemble facial expressions. If you turn your face to the left, the punctuation marks :-) read together could be said to resemble a smiley face - and hence signalling that you're happy. Change the colon to a semi-colon, and the resulting ;-) could be seen as the same face winking, suggesting that you're feeling lascivious. But that's just the start.
In practice, little day-to-day cyber-communication involves much more than those two basic smileys, plus the frowney face :-( that says you are feeling sad or angry, or this variation :-/ which indicates that you are being wry. Yet the creative community that inhabits cyberspace has continued to have fun developing ever more specific emoticons to represent all kinds of mood and physical state. Here are just a selection, culled from various Websites, and in no particularl order. Who said computers would kill the finer communicative arts?
(-: I'm left-handed and happy
>:-> I'm feeling devilish
@:-) I'm wearing a turban
(:-( I'm very unhappy
C=:-) I'm a chef
:-# My lips are sealed
[:-) I'm wearing a Walkman
:-* A kiss
{(:-) I'm wearing a toupee
}(:-( I'm wearing a toupee in the wind
:-i I'm half-smiling
:-> I'm being sarcastic
:-d Said with a smile
:-V I'm shouting
:-3 I have a handlebar moustache
;-( I'm crying
%-) I've been staring at a screen for 12 hours
:-& I'm tonguetied
{:-) I have a centre parting
8:-) I'm a little girl
:-)8< I'm a big girl
:-0 I'm talkative
+:-) I'm a priest
:%)% I've got acne
=:-) I'm a punk
:-(*) That remark made me sick
:-o I'm shocked
:-? I smoke a pipe
:-Q~ I smoke cigarettes
:-}X I'm wearing a bow tie
:---) You're lying and your nose is getting bigger
B-) I wear glasses
[:|] I'm a robot
=):-) Uncle Sam
=|:-)= Abraham Lincoln
+O:-) The Pope
@}--->----- A rose
:p~~~ I'm poking my toungue out at you and blowing you a raspberry
++++
How rich is the nineties vocabulary?
If you ever wanted proof that English is the world's richest language, you need only consider the poetry and diversity of the slang terms people give to the simplest of objects. Take the humble condom, an item that Aids has made central to nineties culture, but which would not, you might have thought, have had much linguistic significance. Not at all. In polite company people might wince at discussing these latex receptacles, but in smaller circles they have been busy creating hundreds of colourful synonyms to make life that much more interesting. Across the English-speaking world, new slang terms have evolved quicker than a premature orgasm - and now some wise people on the Internet have decided to collect a bunch of them together. Their site, The Sheath File, is a remarkable place where contributors have confided their own slang terms for what was once simply the johnny. Here is a selection of some of the best.
Heaven's gate; rascal wrapper; Papal robe; child-proof lid; wienerhosen; Wild Willy's worm puppet; gauntlet; Freudian slip; Mr Happy's business suit; wham-bam dam; Jimmy the sleek; Egyptian prescription; one-eyed Willie's eye patch; Mount Hood; schlong shed; vice grip; holds the mayo; Luger locker; Jimi hindrance; hatch catcher; cape horn; spooge scrooge; Johnson control; stinky slinky; nail polish; spanky hanky; pole vault; banger hanger; cheesepipe clingfilm; spoo keeper; parenthood tuition abolition; separate-us apparatus; Dick C Cup; hip boot; stiffie stocking; Lone Ranger's mask; thighmaster; stopcock; ribbed cage; surge protector; rubber policeman; interruptable power supply; popper stopper; pigpen; head gasket; love shackle; pole lock; peckerwouldn't; feltcher squelcher; purple warrior armour; ferret sock; Coney Island whitefish; no overflowed choad load sowed; indicktment; Don Johnson; hickory dickory dock; peterfied cast; milk miser; wrinkle chapeau; wetness protection program; nub pneumatic; Great Barrier sheath; driving glove; bobby sock; wilderness permit; seed sack; conception rejections; waste basket; 'giner liner; muff buffer; bopper stopper; love glove; jump suit; mister twister; stuffer stocking; gift wrap; Little Red Riding hood; rumpled stiltskin; eruption interruption; nard guard; torpedo tube; foetus filter; weiner fits-all; life saver; wong thong; ball blinder; groin cloth; lamb gut nut hut; corn husk; clam dam; poon balloon; Woody's wetsuit; geyser cork; package protector; sperminal terminal; dong depot; detour; stop sign; picket line; cock cloak; Bismarck barrier; penis shroud; scabbard; horse hanger; gent tent; probe robe; banister canister; party favour; peter pouch; rod rind; burrito poncho; root celler; protein packet; crash helmet; banana peel; sheath; dong sarong; willy wrap; third leg trouser; membrane; canyon slicker; masthead; peanut shell; pen top; pillar pullover; passion-fruit cup; shaft graft; propellant repellant; pricknic basket; uterus excluderous; snatch hatch; shower curtain; cum dumpster; weasel den; sneeze guard; ribbed crib robber; sling shot; bull pen; meat sack; potato skin; dick bra; seat belt; shank tank; the pole barn; thriller chiller; cock-a-doodle-don't; jack hat; pork barrel; slip n' slide slip inside; yellow submarine; cum drum; jack in the box; Major Woody's uniform; turkey-neck tourniquet; haute couture; pipe cleaner; tarp; shrink wrap; wand wallet; bang bottle; chicken chariot; noodle nylon; member muzzle; jock jacket; male box; valve cover; seed sack; sugar cone; eel envelope; depends defender; dunce cap; pig blanket; love capsule; pump sump; John Thomas overcoat; trunk bark; boner bucket; goose noose; hefty sack; hot juice balloon; sperm breaker; cream collector; slip cover; hard hat; pork cork; giz dam; cock frock; DNA dashiki; squirt shirt; ejaculation station; crank tank; missile silo; head shed; peter parka; pregnot; pressure cooker; pickle jar; cum cathador; stuff sack; spunk trunk; bullet bag; ink well; chromosome dome; wiener receptical; dog house; chicken coop; rail pail; scum bag; Johnson Wax; wacker laquer; cum catcher; head veil; rubber; fence; hard again cardigan; vein vale; pin cushion; restrictive headgear; weenie beanie; one-eyed beret; flesh flute boot; load-bearing pud stud; sperm dam; dick dike; lover cover; swell casing; she squealed shield; he stick hindrance; rod retardant; boner binder; beanie my cecil; mister log's sex hat; spunk spittoon; throbben hood; she shell; piecekeeper; paternaway; giz fizzler; rally cap; soap dish; bone blanket; batting glove; pony stable; cloak for dagger; nub cap; French letter; man cream screen; nookie nook; Siemon Block; jock lock; non-breeder's cup; emergency brake; clap cap; dork cork; safety nut; dust cover; parachute; jack rack; salami skin; sleeve; pudding packet; pud pod; snakeskin; glove; cocking stocking; sperm bag; sausage casing; stick suit; snatch guard; insecurity blanket; hose wrapping; prophylactic; boxing glove; Johnson jacket; tapioca Tupperware; doggie bag; sperm aside; penal pullover; loin luggage; oven mitt; hog holster; sword shield; manhole cover; submarine surprise; full latex jacket; missile mask; glad bag; hot dog bun; wank tank; body armour; rope restricter; raincoat; shower cap; swim suit; embryno; Jimmy hat; pork rind; pigskin; hump hindrance; spunk stopper; dick dam; sleaveland; meat tenderiser; wood hood; dipper slipper; worm womb; banana bandana; whore bore; baby block; zuchini beanie; cyclop's eye-patch; straightjacket; Saran wrap; back pack; filling station; seapage keeper; crack pro; bag lady; muscle muzzle; trouser trout salad sandwich; reliance appliance; fornication filtration; sperm lance-a-not; no-drip faucet; conception redirection; acorn shell; hub cap; third testicle; goo-be-gone; jiffy lube tube; quicker picker upper; jewellery box; mushroom cap; carrot top; peter purse; go-between; prostitute chute; gender guard; quif thief; tunnel funnel; spiral binder; boa contricter; runt stunter; tool shed; screw top; egg beaters; man quart thwart; heir alter; anti-proliferation device; family crisis; dead end; inconceivable; milt kilt; knock-me-knot; knob swab; cameltoe noflow; python pocket; gonad girdle; slut safety; muff moat; oil pan; gas tank; candleabra; pillowcase; galoshes; casino worker; knob knot; silly puddy; layin' den; shaft shell; baggie; dick partition; bullet casing; rain fly; distributor cap; vacuum bag; head light; hood ornament; tyre pump; bitch glitch; dink tank; water buffalo balloon; jissim prison; Quaker moat; indickitive; bone bonnet; cup o'soup; spunk mug; throbber Thermos; blockaides; HIV net; fish ladder; mis-direction; sleave it to beaver; snail shell; slug housing; muzzle loader; wad wallet; sleeper car; dicktionary; wet bar; cell block; DNA lounge; packer wrapper; jister holster; hereditary halter; gene pool; milt filter; cum cup; cummer bun; wanger hangar; meat locker; corn dog; cock dock; seal-a-meal; Catholic catheter; boardwalk oyster; high-protein snack shack; scrot coat; kiddie lidder; crown; flesh fedora; cumbrella; baby buggy buffer; pit stop; sperm worm; birth berth; goo blockers; chromosome tombstone; offspring sling; relative preventive; gonad goggles; blast casket; cum crypt; side winder binder; baby strainer; semen hammock; conceivable receivable; rod pod; juice jar; cock cap; gland gate; prick pouch; shot glass; salami stop; SCUBA (Self Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus); Mr Hardon's dress whites; tallywack sack; gauntlet; party hat; and, well, condom . . .
++++
How to speak cyber
Ten basic terms to guide you through computer conversations.
cul8r See you later
DEU Dead-end user: a consumer who calls helplines with stupid basic questions
f2f Face to face
FAQ Frequently asked question
HHOK Ha-ha, only kidding
IMHO In my humble opinion
IMNSHO, In my not-so-humble opinion
MorF? Male or female?
RTFM Read the fucking manual
TOSsed out Expelled from a chat room for breaking the Terms Of Service agreement
++++
Short of a picnic
How much fun can you have embellishing a nineties idiom? Try the phrase "two sandwiches short of a picnic", an indication that someone is not-quite-there and perhaps a bit lacking in the brain department. The idiom has been around since at least the late 1980s, but in the nineties it has come into its own. At the University of Liverpool they have a Research and Development Unit for English Studies which monitors such things, and it director, Antoinette Renouf, has recorded some 91 variations on the theme since 1988. As she explains the technical usage, "it has become productive as a phraseological framework" whose "particular alternatives are context-dependent". But don't worry about the formalities. Just enjoy a selection of the examples:
A few sandwiches short of a picnic
A brick short of a hod
Two bottles short of a crate
Several pawns short of a full set
A couple of kangaroos short of a full paddock
Definitely a few bricks short of a barbie
Several currants short of a bun
A few shards of pottery short of a full anthropological theory
A nosebag short of a sack of oats
A pork pie short of a picnic
A couple of programmes short of a series
A couple of tokens short of a Green Shield coffee set
A ringpull short of a can
A couple of bets short of a Yankee
A few trolleys short of a supermarket
A few pence short of a first-class stamp
Several coupons short of a toaster
Two cards short of a full house
Two luncheon vouchers short of a ploughman's
Four Soay sheep short of a rare breeds farm
Five storeys short of a high-rise block
A slice short of a full loaf
A trumpet short of a full combo
Quite a few red boxes short of a successful Prime Minister
A jar of pickled seafood short of a van-load
A few chunks short of a Yorkie
A couple of wards short of a full borough
A billion neurons short of a full load
One helmet short of a huddle
A few stock-cubes short of a full polar ration
Several gondolas short of a Cornetto
Several pieces short of a full set
One candle short of a menorah
Several fishes short of a miracle
One player short of a cricket team
A couple of cubs short of a full Lions pack
A few wafers short of a communion
A few cells short of a tournament
Two apples short of a picnic
Two candles short of a Mass
A couple of keys short of a full piano
A few letters short of a full moniker
One planet short of a full galaxy
A few digits short of a dialling code
A few cans short of a six-pack
A couple of leaves short of a shamrock in Dublin
Several prawns short of a cocktail
A few significances short of a fable
A few nappies short of a layette
Two or three cushions short of a three-piece suite
Various wheezes short of a Scottish Parliament
A sheaf short of a stook
Three UCAS points short of a graduation party
A few frames short of a reel
One liquorice stick short of a Pontefract cake
Three diamond clusters short of a tiara
Two sheep short of a flock
One panel short of a full door
A few runes short of a stone circle
A couple of saucers short of a teaset
Several gemstones short of a full tiara
More than a Dolce short of a Gabbana
A few slices short of a loaf
A few pence short of a Euro
++++
Not! - or how the negative became positive
Which films have had the greatest impact on language in the nineties? That's a most resplendently difficult question to answer - not!
Let's explain. The movie Wayne's World, and the two Bill and Ted films, sent a whole new form of slang into mainstream use. The key to it is irony, and the main legacy to language is the Not! construction. Here's a whirlwind primer to this important new linguistic development. Not!
The world is divided into dudes and babes. Desirable versions of the latter are psycho hose beasts who tend to give the former full-on robot chubbies. There's no such thing as good and bad in this world; instead, babes are unprecedented, resplendent, stellar, most totally excellent, triumphant, babelicious. and outstanding, or even most atypically phantasmagorical. But dudes who are less than bodacious are bogus, heinous or non-non-heainous (which cancels out the negation in non-heinous). In other words, they're non-heinous. Not!
That Not! , by the way, made a totally bodaciously triumphant journey from Valspeak, the Valley Girl slang that developed in early 1980s California. But will it last? Shyeah, right (as followers of Wayne's World speak might say), and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
++++
How to write business jargon
Have you ever yearned to compose your own meaningless but impressive-sounding business jargon? Well, now you can - thanks to the Instant Jargonator, designed to make your prose sound just as vacuous as any top 90s executive. The Financial Times helpfully published the following guide to writing business jargon for the 90s, which will ensure that no matter how lucid and clear your natural writing style, you too will soon be pumping out instant gibberish.
All you need to do is think of any three-figure number; then just choose the right buzzword from each column. For example, 713 produces "synchronised organistional mobility". And though nobody will have any idea what you are seeking to say, they will be to daunted and baffled to point this out.
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0 Integrated 0 Management 0 Options
1 Total 1 Organisational 1 Flexibility
2 Systematised 2 Monitored 2 Capability
3 Parallel 3 Reciprocal 3 Mobility
4 Functional 4 Digital 4 Programming
5 Responsive 5 Logistical 5 Concept
6 Optional 6 Transitional 6 Time-phase
7 Synchronised 7 Incremental 7 Projection
8 Compatible 8 Third-generation 8 Hardware
9 Balanced 9 Policy 9 Contingency
MISCELLANEOUS CHAPTER DIVIDERS:
Emoticons: the new non-verbal language
One vividly expressive form of communication has prospered in the nineties - and it involves no words, no sounds and no face-to-face contact. All it amounts to, in fact, is a short series of keystrokes that puts a squiggle or two on to your computer screen. But boy, the complexity of emotion that those squiggles can convey.
They are called emoticons, or smileys, and they are used to send messages through electronic mail. They work on the basis that many of the symbols on the keyboard could, with a certain degree of imaginative licence, be said to resemble facial expressions. If you turn your face to the left, the punctuation marks :-) read together could be said to resemble a smiley face - and hence signalling that you're happy. Change the colon to a semi-colon, and the resulting ;-) could be seen as the same face winking, suggesting that you're feeling lascivious. But that's just the start.
In practice, little day-to-day cyber-communication involves much more than those two basic smileys, plus the frowney face :-( that says you are feeling sad or angry, or this variation :-/ which indicates that you are being wry. Yet the creative community that inhabits cyberspace has continued to have fun developing ever more specific emoticons to represent all kinds of mood and physical state. Here are just a selection, culled from various Websites, and in no particularl order. Who said computers would kill the finer communicative arts?
(-: I'm left-handed and happy
>:-> I'm feeling devilish
@:-) I'm wearing a turban
(:-( I'm very unhappy
C=:-) I'm a chef
:-# My lips are sealed
[:-) I'm wearing a Walkman
:-* A kiss
{(:-) I'm wearing a toupee
}(:-( I'm wearing a toupee in the wind
:-i I'm half-smiling
:-> I'm being sarcastic
:-d Said with a smile
:-V I'm shouting
:-3 I have a handlebar moustache
;-( I'm crying
%-) I've been staring at a screen for 12 hours
:-& I'm tonguetied
{:-) I have a centre parting
8:-) I'm a little girl
:-)8< I'm a big girl
:-0 I'm talkative
+:-) I'm a priest
:%)% I've got acne
=:-) I'm a punk
:-(*) That remark made me sick
:-o I'm shocked
:-? I smoke a pipe
:-Q~ I smoke cigarettes
:-}X I'm wearing a bow tie
:---) You're lying and your nose is getting bigger
B-) I wear glasses
[:|] I'm a robot
=):-) Uncle Sam
=|:-)= Abraham Lincoln
+O:-) The Pope
@}--->----- A rose
:p~~~ I'm poking my toungue out at you and blowing you a raspberry
++++
How rich is the nineties vocabulary?
If you ever wanted proof that English is the world's richest language, you need only consider the poetry and diversity of the slang terms people give to the simplest of objects. Take the humble condom, an item that Aids has made central to nineties culture, but which would not, you might have thought, have had much linguistic significance. Not at all. In polite company people might wince at discussing these latex receptacles, but in smaller circles they have been busy creating hundreds of colourful synonyms to make life that much more interesting. Across the English-speaking world, new slang terms have evolved quicker than a premature orgasm - and now some wise people on the Internet have decided to collect a bunch of them together. Their site, The Sheath File, is a remarkable place where contributors have confided their own slang terms for what was once simply the johnny. Here is a selection of some of the best.
Heaven's gate; rascal wrapper; Papal robe; child-proof lid; wienerhosen; Wild Willy's worm puppet; gauntlet; Freudian slip; Mr Happy's business suit; wham-bam dam; Jimmy the sleek; Egyptian prescription; one-eyed Willie's eye patch; Mount Hood; schlong shed; vice grip; holds the mayo; Luger locker; Jimi hindrance; hatch catcher; cape horn; spooge scrooge; Johnson control; stinky slinky; nail polish; spanky hanky; pole vault; banger hanger; cheesepipe clingfilm; spoo keeper; parenthood tuition abolition; separate-us apparatus; Dick C Cup; hip boot; stiffie stocking; Lone Ranger's mask; thighmaster; stopcock; ribbed cage; surge protector; rubber policeman; interruptable power supply; popper stopper; pigpen; head gasket; love shackle; pole lock; peckerwouldn't; feltcher squelcher; purple warrior armour; ferret sock; Coney Island whitefish; no overflowed choad load sowed; indicktment; Don Johnson; hickory dickory dock; peterfied cast; milk miser; wrinkle chapeau; wetness protection program; nub pneumatic; Great Barrier sheath; driving glove; bobby sock; wilderness permit; seed sack; conception rejections; waste basket; 'giner liner; muff buffer; bopper stopper; love glove; jump suit; mister twister; stuffer stocking; gift wrap; Little Red Riding hood; rumpled stiltskin; eruption interruption; nard guard; torpedo tube; foetus filter; weiner fits-all; life saver; wong thong; ball blinder; groin cloth; lamb gut nut hut; corn husk; clam dam; poon balloon; Woody's wetsuit; geyser cork; package protector; sperminal terminal; dong depot; detour; stop sign; picket line; cock cloak; Bismarck barrier; penis shroud; scabbard; horse hanger; gent tent; probe robe; banister canister; party favour; peter pouch; rod rind; burrito poncho; root celler; protein packet; crash helmet; banana peel; sheath; dong sarong; willy wrap; third leg trouser; membrane; canyon slicker; masthead; peanut shell; pen top; pillar pullover; passion-fruit cup; shaft graft; propellant repellant; pricknic basket; uterus excluderous; snatch hatch; shower curtain; cum dumpster; weasel den; sneeze guard; ribbed crib robber; sling shot; bull pen; meat sack; potato skin; dick bra; seat belt; shank tank; the pole barn; thriller chiller; cock-a-doodle-don't; jack hat; pork barrel; slip n' slide slip inside; yellow submarine; cum drum; jack in the box; Major Woody's uniform; turkey-neck tourniquet; haute couture; pipe cleaner; tarp; shrink wrap; wand wallet; bang bottle; chicken chariot; noodle nylon; member muzzle; jock jacket; male box; valve cover; seed sack; sugar cone; eel envelope; depends defender; dunce cap; pig blanket; love capsule; pump sump; John Thomas overcoat; trunk bark; boner bucket; goose noose; hefty sack; hot juice balloon; sperm breaker; cream collector; slip cover; hard hat; pork cork; giz dam; cock frock; DNA dashiki; squirt shirt; ejaculation station; crank tank; missile silo; head shed; peter parka; pregnot; pressure cooker; pickle jar; cum cathador; stuff sack; spunk trunk; bullet bag; ink well; chromosome dome; wiener receptical; dog house; chicken coop; rail pail; scum bag; Johnson Wax; wacker laquer; cum catcher; head veil; rubber; fence; hard again cardigan; vein vale; pin cushion; restrictive headgear; weenie beanie; one-eyed beret; flesh flute boot; load-bearing pud stud; sperm dam; dick dike; lover cover; swell casing; she squealed shield; he stick hindrance; rod retardant; boner binder; beanie my cecil; mister log's sex hat; spunk spittoon; throbben hood; she shell; piecekeeper; paternaway; giz fizzler; rally cap; soap dish; bone blanket; batting glove; pony stable; cloak for dagger; nub cap; French letter; man cream screen; nookie nook; Siemon Block; jock lock; non-breeder's cup; emergency brake; clap cap; dork cork; safety nut; dust cover; parachute; jack rack; salami skin; sleeve; pudding packet; pud pod; snakeskin; glove; cocking stocking; sperm bag; sausage casing; stick suit; snatch guard; insecurity blanket; hose wrapping; prophylactic; boxing glove; Johnson jacket; tapioca Tupperware; doggie bag; sperm aside; penal pullover; loin luggage; oven mitt; hog holster; sword shield; manhole cover; submarine surprise; full latex jacket; missile mask; glad bag; hot dog bun; wank tank; body armour; rope restricter; raincoat; shower cap; swim suit; embryno; Jimmy hat; pork rind; pigskin; hump hindrance; spunk stopper; dick dam; sleaveland; meat tenderiser; wood hood; dipper slipper; worm womb; banana bandana; whore bore; baby block; zuchini beanie; cyclop's eye-patch; straightjacket; Saran wrap; back pack; filling station; seapage keeper; crack pro; bag lady; muscle muzzle; trouser trout salad sandwich; reliance appliance; fornication filtration; sperm lance-a-not; no-drip faucet; conception redirection; acorn shell; hub cap; third testicle; goo-be-gone; jiffy lube tube; quicker picker upper; jewellery box; mushroom cap; carrot top; peter purse; go-between; prostitute chute; gender guard; quif thief; tunnel funnel; spiral binder; boa contricter; runt stunter; tool shed; screw top; egg beaters; man quart thwart; heir alter; anti-proliferation device; family crisis; dead end; inconceivable; milt kilt; knock-me-knot; knob swab; cameltoe noflow; python pocket; gonad girdle; slut safety; muff moat; oil pan; gas tank; candleabra; pillowcase; galoshes; casino worker; knob knot; silly puddy; layin' den; shaft shell; baggie; dick partition; bullet casing; rain fly; distributor cap; vacuum bag; head light; hood ornament; tyre pump; bitch glitch; dink tank; water buffalo balloon; jissim prison; Quaker moat; indickitive; bone bonnet; cup o'soup; spunk mug; throbber Thermos; blockaides; HIV net; fish ladder; mis-direction; sleave it to beaver; snail shell; slug housing; muzzle loader; wad wallet; sleeper car; dicktionary; wet bar; cell block; DNA lounge; packer wrapper; jister holster; hereditary halter; gene pool; milt filter; cum cup; cummer bun; wanger hangar; meat locker; corn dog; cock dock; seal-a-meal; Catholic catheter; boardwalk oyster; high-protein snack shack; scrot coat; kiddie lidder; crown; flesh fedora; cumbrella; baby buggy buffer; pit stop; sperm worm; birth berth; goo blockers; chromosome tombstone; offspring sling; relative preventive; gonad goggles; blast casket; cum crypt; side winder binder; baby strainer; semen hammock; conceivable receivable; rod pod; juice jar; cock cap; gland gate; prick pouch; shot glass; salami stop; SCUBA (Self Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus); Mr Hardon's dress whites; tallywack sack; gauntlet; party hat; and, well, condom . . .
++++
How to speak cyber
Ten basic terms to guide you through computer conversations.
cul8r See you later
DEU Dead-end user: a consumer who calls helplines with stupid basic questions
f2f Face to face
FAQ Frequently asked question
HHOK Ha-ha, only kidding
IMHO In my humble opinion
IMNSHO, In my not-so-humble opinion
MorF? Male or female?
RTFM Read the fucking manual
TOSsed out Expelled from a chat room for breaking the Terms Of Service agreement
++++
Short of a picnic
How much fun can you have embellishing a nineties idiom? Try the phrase "two sandwiches short of a picnic", an indication that someone is not-quite-there and perhaps a bit lacking in the brain department. The idiom has been around since at least the late 1980s, but in the nineties it has come into its own. At the University of Liverpool they have a Research and Development Unit for English Studies which monitors such things, and it director, Antoinette Renouf, has recorded some 91 variations on the theme since 1988. As she explains the technical usage, "it has become productive as a phraseological framework" whose "particular alternatives are context-dependent". But don't worry about the formalities. Just enjoy a selection of the examples:
A few sandwiches short of a picnic
A brick short of a hod
Two bottles short of a crate
Several pawns short of a full set
A couple of kangaroos short of a full paddock
Definitely a few bricks short of a barbie
Several currants short of a bun
A few shards of pottery short of a full anthropological theory
A nosebag short of a sack of oats
A pork pie short of a picnic
A couple of programmes short of a series
A couple of tokens short of a Green Shield coffee set
A ringpull short of a can
A couple of bets short of a Yankee
A few trolleys short of a supermarket
A few pence short of a first-class stamp
Several coupons short of a toaster
Two cards short of a full house
Two luncheon vouchers short of a ploughman's
Four Soay sheep short of a rare breeds farm
Five storeys short of a high-rise block
A slice short of a full loaf
A trumpet short of a full combo
Quite a few red boxes short of a successful Prime Minister
A jar of pickled seafood short of a van-load
A few chunks short of a Yorkie
A couple of wards short of a full borough
A billion neurons short of a full load
One helmet short of a huddle
A few stock-cubes short of a full polar ration
Several gondolas short of a Cornetto
Several pieces short of a full set
One candle short of a menorah
Several fishes short of a miracle
One player short of a cricket team
A couple of cubs short of a full Lions pack
A few wafers short of a communion
A few cells short of a tournament
Two apples short of a picnic
Two candles short of a Mass
A couple of keys short of a full piano
A few letters short of a full moniker
One planet short of a full galaxy
A few digits short of a dialling code
A few cans short of a six-pack
A couple of leaves short of a shamrock in Dublin
Several prawns short of a cocktail
A few significances short of a fable
A few nappies short of a layette
Two or three cushions short of a three-piece suite
Various wheezes short of a Scottish Parliament
A sheaf short of a stook
Three UCAS points short of a graduation party
A few frames short of a reel
One liquorice stick short of a Pontefract cake
Three diamond clusters short of a tiara
Two sheep short of a flock
One panel short of a full door
A few runes short of a stone circle
A couple of saucers short of a teaset
Several gemstones short of a full tiara
More than a Dolce short of a Gabbana
A few slices short of a loaf
A few pence short of a Euro
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Not! - or how the negative became positive
Which films have had the greatest impact on language in the nineties? That's a most resplendently difficult question to answer - not!
Let's explain. The movie Wayne's World, and the two Bill and Ted films, sent a whole new form of slang into mainstream use. The key to it is irony, and the main legacy to language is the Not! construction. Here's a whirlwind primer to this important new linguistic development. Not!
The world is divided into dudes and babes. Desirable versions of the latter are psycho hose beasts who tend to give the former full-on robot chubbies. There's no such thing as good and bad in this world; instead, babes are unprecedented, resplendent, stellar, most totally excellent, triumphant, babelicious. and outstanding, or even most atypically phantasmagorical. But dudes who are less than bodacious are bogus, heinous or non-non-heainous (which cancels out the negation in non-heinous). In other words, they're non-heinous. Not!
That Not! , by the way, made a totally bodaciously triumphant journey from Valspeak, the Valley Girl slang that developed in early 1980s California. But will it last? Shyeah, right (as followers of Wayne's World speak might say), and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
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How to write business jargon
Have you ever yearned to compose your own meaningless but impressive-sounding business jargon? Well, now you can - thanks to the Instant Jargonator, designed to make your prose sound just as vacuous as any top 90s executive. The Financial Times helpfully published the following guide to writing business jargon for the 90s, which will ensure that no matter how lucid and clear your natural writing style, you too will soon be pumping out instant gibberish.
All you need to do is think of any three-figure number; then just choose the right buzzword from each column. For example, 713 produces "synchronised organistional mobility". And though nobody will have any idea what you are seeking to say, they will be to daunted and baffled to point this out.
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0 Integrated 0 Management 0 Options
1 Total 1 Organisational 1 Flexibility
2 Systematised 2 Monitored 2 Capability
3 Parallel 3 Reciprocal 3 Mobility
4 Functional 4 Digital 4 Programming
5 Responsive 5 Logistical 5 Concept
6 Optional 6 Transitional 6 Time-phase
7 Synchronised 7 Incremental 7 Projection
8 Compatible 8 Third-generation 8 Hardware
9 Balanced 9 Policy 9 Contingency
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