QUICK FIND:
Investigations: Kabbalah Centre exposed | Teen camgirls | More ...
Media interviews: John Humphrys | Rosie Millard | More ...
Trendsurfing columns: Podcasting | Sponsored weddings | More ...
The Times: Tech columns | Op-eds | Writing on language: Book & columns | Channel 4 TV: Film reports

Tuesday, January 20, 1998

The Guardian: The boom in one-person households

Analysis: Home alone. Welcome to the new world of single-person households. Macaulay Culkin might not be typical - a pensioner or divorcee would be more representative - but he does herald the demographic and cultural shift away from the Smug Marrieds. He's lucky: he has a home. With five million more needed, opportunities are knocking. By David Rowan

HERE'S a surefire investment tip for anyone with cash to tie up for the next two decades or so. Go big on dating agencies, pizza-delivery outfits and home-security consultants. Buy heavily into nursing-supply agencies, cappuccino bars and companies that manufacture half-sized dishwashers. For a social revolution is underway, and - as with all revolutions - there are going to be winners as well as losers.

The main loser, according to various pressure groups now lobbying John Prescott's super-ministry, is likely to be the rural landscape of England, most notably the green belt. The winners will be those who foresee the opportunities offered by demand for five or so million new homes by the year 2016: property developers, retailers, service-providers and entrepreneurs. For Britain (or mostly, England) is rapidly moving towards being a nation of singletons - people who, through choice, misfortune or simple longevity, find themselves living alone.

In 1971, only 18 per cent of households in England were one-person households. By 1991 this had risen to just over a quarter; yet by 2016, the Government predicts, the tally will have risen to some 36 per cent(1). Pause to digest that figure of 36 per cent: it means that approaching four out of 10 of England's 24 million projected homes will be occupied by just one person. And at present, we do not have anywhere near the number of homes needed for them.

The Government says that 4.4 million new homes will be needed by 2016. Yesterday, as speculation grew that the figure would soon be raised to 5.5 million, John Prescott, the Deputy Prime Minister, said that the matter was being revised. He dismissed as alarmist warnings that the new homes would cut into the green belt, and promised a Commons statement by Easter. But the issue will not rest until then. Tomorrow, a cross-party group of MPs and peers will meet at the Commons to provoke a national debate on the subject. The issue, according to the Labour backbencher Paddy Tipping, is a 'timebomb about to explode' in the face of rural England.

The revolution may signify a demographic and cultural shift away from the Smug Marrieds, but it is not simply a move towards the Bridget Joneses. For all the colour-supplement spreads locating the new singleton's home in a Clerkenwell loft, and her concerns as the conquest of a sexual mate and the loss of calories, the trend has a rather more complex origin. About half of these new single-person households will be over pensionable age. Many more will be a consequence of our high divorce rate: there were 155,310 decrees absolute granted in England and Wales in 1996, compared with 45,036 thirty years ago(2). We are also marrying later, and more of us are leaving home to go to university, where we develop the habit of living away from our parents.

Beside all this, demographic changes mean more twenty-somethings are forecast for the second decade of the new century. Yet for all the publicity given of late to the new economic power of single young women, perhaps most interesting is the rise in the number of male single-person households. 'From 1971 to 2016, the number of male one-person households has grown from 3 per cent to 13 per cent of total households,' explains Justin Worsley, senior consultant at The Henley Centre, the consumer consultancy. 'Plenty more 20- and 30-something men are living on their own, as the average age of marriage (now 28.6) keeps rising. What's driving them largely is an increase in disposable income, and an increase in mobility as they change jobs. Plus more go away to college, and get the habit of living away from home.'

The English county councils have already made detailed plans for new housing needs over the next two decades, based on government projections for the growth in urban spread. The Planning Minister, Richard Caborn, announced recently that half the new homes will be built on 'brownfield' sites that had already housed some development, and half on new rural sites. From Avon (where 44,500 new houses are planned) to Wiltshire (expecting 65,000), the counties' plans have led groups such as the Council for the Protection of Rural England to fear for the future of the green belt.

Professor Peter Hall, chairman of the Town and Country Planning Association and Bartlett Professor of Planning at University College, London, believes that 'the threat to the green belt has been exaggerated, just because a controversial development near Stevenage happens to be on green-belt land. For the most part, green belt will remain sacrosanct.' He does, however, worry that even the Government's own prediction of new housing need will prove too low. 'The 4.4 million was an underestimate: you could be talking of a million more, quite apart from the demographic shift we're reliably told is forcing the Government to raise its projections. It didn't include any allowance for the backlog that built up in the 1980s, especially in social housing, and it didn't take in the obsolescence of our housing stock - the Victorian houses wearing out in northern textile towns, the tackier end of the 1920s and 30s houses along east London bypasses, the residual 1960s stuff that has a short shelf life.'

Yet this does not mean that developers, geared towards the most profitable opportunities, should be left to decide what to build. Hall points to the distinct groups making up the new demand among single households. 'The three groups - younger people; the divorced and separated; and older people outliving their partners - have very different housing, lifestyle and consumption needs. Young people might like to live next to the wine bar, but the divorced usually have kids and will want space for their visiting times; and older people will tend to stay living where they were living as long as they can.' His recommendation is that local and central government should open a new round of strategic planning, and quickly. 'Developers like to make money, but we need a proper planning framework to make sure they go in the right place.'

Certainly, it would be wrong to overestimate the number of prospective new buyers who will want to buy property on the reclaimed rural landscape. Paul Rickard, head of research at market analysts Mintel, warns: 'Being single for some people is a lifestyle statement: I don't see such people wanting to live in Milton Keynes-type greenfield sites. And many of the new households will be people downsizing after, say, a divorce; these people are accustomed to urban or suburban homes, and I'd quibble how far they'd be prepared to sever these links and move to a rural site. Builders could be missing their targets.'

Others, too, stress that rural may not necessarily be where the demand is. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation, which publishes research into such demographic changes, has put its money where its mouth is: it has invested in what it calls 'Caspars' - an acronym for city-centre apartments for single people at affordable rents. 'There's likely to be a demand for city-centre apartments for rent by the young, relatively mobile, and by not-quite-so-young divorcees and never-married single people,' explains the foundation's director, Richard Best. 'We've decided to build a couple of these as we believe the market is there. They're also likely to make a difference to the liveliness and economic well-being of city centres.'

FOR those also considering entering the market, hurry: the revolution is happening already. 'Within five years we're going to see another million households in the UK, the bulk of them occupied by single people,' according to Paul Rickard. This will create opportunities for far more than property itself. Take consumer spending. 'If you're on your own, you do not need to compromise: people will be more headstrong about doing what turns them on, and taking that two-week trekking holiday in the Pyrenees, which a partner might never allow. Then there are mortgage products which will need to be rethought; and there's potentially an opportunity for manufacturers of appliances and durables to suit the smaller household.'

Single people who live alone, and are below retirement age, spend about Pounds190 a week on average, compared with Pounds170 for those in two-adult households(3). They spend Pounds7 a week on eating and drinking out, compared with Pounds6.50 for those in two-adult homes; they also tend to be more promiscuous grocery shoppers. This is where the bright investor will find new opportunities. 'For most blokes in particular, one person is not enough to cook for - so there will be a significant increase in takeaway food and ready meals,' according to Justin Worsley, at the Henley Centre. 'There will also be growth in white goods, such as kettles, toasters and TVs, which are bought per household not per person.

'People will also be using out-of-house activities more for socialising. Restaurants, pubs and cinemas will be their social base, especially as the entry costs for a nice restaurant tumble down in relation to a fast-food joint; already you can eat at Cafe Rouge for Pounds10 a head. One thing you'll see is a growth in suburban coffee bars, moving from the inner city.'

Already there is evidence of a trend towards pubs domesticating themselves, with sofas and homely designs. This will continue, says Justin Worsley. But if he were investing his own windfall? 'I'd be looking for leisure canapes . . . Rather than conventional restaurants you go to for three hours' entertainment, these are places where you can spend the same amount of time dipping in and out of food courts, bowling alleys, video games, even evening classes.' Your financial adviser may wish to nuance some of these tips. But in 20 years, don't say you weren't pointed in the right direction.

David Rowan is editor of the Analysis page.

(The Guardian, January 20 1998)

Read more!

Thursday, January 01, 1998

A Glossary for the Nineties: Miscellaneous chapter dividers

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

MISCELLANEOUS CHAPTER DIVIDERS:


Emoticons: the new non-verbal language

One vividly expressive form of communication has prospered in the nineties - and it involves no words, no sounds and no face-to-face contact. All it amounts to, in fact, is a short series of keystrokes that puts a squiggle or two on to your computer screen. But boy, the complexity of emotion that those squiggles can convey.

They are called emoticons, or smileys, and they are used to send messages through electronic mail. They work on the basis that many of the symbols on the keyboard could, with a certain degree of imaginative licence, be said to resemble facial expressions. If you turn your face to the left, the punctuation marks :-) read together could be said to resemble a smiley face - and hence signalling that you're happy. Change the colon to a semi-colon, and the resulting ;-) could be seen as the same face winking, suggesting that you're feeling lascivious. But that's just the start.

In practice, little day-to-day cyber-communication involves much more than those two basic smileys, plus the frowney face :-( that says you are feeling sad or angry, or this variation :-/ which indicates that you are being wry. Yet the creative community that inhabits cyberspace has continued to have fun developing ever more specific emoticons to represent all kinds of mood and physical state. Here are just a selection, culled from various Websites, and in no particularl order. Who said computers would kill the finer communicative arts?

(-: I'm left-handed and happy
>:-> I'm feeling devilish
@:-) I'm wearing a turban
(:-( I'm very unhappy
C=:-) I'm a chef
:-# My lips are sealed
[:-) I'm wearing a Walkman
:-* A kiss
{(:-) I'm wearing a toupee
}(:-( I'm wearing a toupee in the wind
:-i I'm half-smiling
:-> I'm being sarcastic
:-d Said with a smile
:-V I'm shouting
:-3 I have a handlebar moustache
;-( I'm crying
%-) I've been staring at a screen for 12 hours
:-& I'm tonguetied
{:-) I have a centre parting
8:-) I'm a little girl
:-)8< I'm a big girl
:-0 I'm talkative
+:-) I'm a priest
:%)% I've got acne
=:-) I'm a punk
:-(*) That remark made me sick
:-o I'm shocked
:-? I smoke a pipe
:-Q~ I smoke cigarettes
:-}X I'm wearing a bow tie
:---) You're lying and your nose is getting bigger
B-) I wear glasses
[:|] I'm a robot
=):-) Uncle Sam
=|:-)= Abraham Lincoln
+O:-) The Pope
@}--->----- A rose
:p~~~ I'm poking my toungue out at you and blowing you a raspberry



++++


How rich is the nineties vocabulary?

If you ever wanted proof that English is the world's richest language, you need only consider the poetry and diversity of the slang terms people give to the simplest of objects. Take the humble condom, an item that Aids has made central to nineties culture, but which would not, you might have thought, have had much linguistic significance. Not at all. In polite company people might wince at discussing these latex receptacles, but in smaller circles they have been busy creating hundreds of colourful synonyms to make life that much more interesting. Across the English-speaking world, new slang terms have evolved quicker than a premature orgasm - and now some wise people on the Internet have decided to collect a bunch of them together. Their site, The Sheath File, is a remarkable place where contributors have confided their own slang terms for what was once simply the johnny. Here is a selection of some of the best.



Heaven's gate; rascal wrapper; Papal robe; child-proof lid; wienerhosen; Wild Willy's worm puppet; gauntlet; Freudian slip; Mr Happy's business suit; wham-bam dam; Jimmy the sleek; Egyptian prescription; one-eyed Willie's eye patch; Mount Hood; schlong shed; vice grip; holds the mayo; Luger locker; Jimi hindrance; hatch catcher; cape horn; spooge scrooge; Johnson control; stinky slinky; nail polish; spanky hanky; pole vault; banger hanger; cheesepipe clingfilm; spoo keeper; parenthood tuition abolition; separate-us apparatus; Dick C Cup; hip boot; stiffie stocking; Lone Ranger's mask; thighmaster; stopcock; ribbed cage; surge protector; rubber policeman; interruptable power supply; popper stopper; pigpen; head gasket; love shackle; pole lock; peckerwouldn't; feltcher squelcher; purple warrior armour; ferret sock; Coney Island whitefish; no overflowed choad load sowed; indicktment; Don Johnson; hickory dickory dock; peterfied cast; milk miser; wrinkle chapeau; wetness protection program; nub pneumatic; Great Barrier sheath; driving glove; bobby sock; wilderness permit; seed sack; conception rejections; waste basket; 'giner liner; muff buffer; bopper stopper; love glove; jump suit; mister twister; stuffer stocking; gift wrap; Little Red Riding hood; rumpled stiltskin; eruption interruption; nard guard; torpedo tube; foetus filter; weiner fits-all; life saver; wong thong; ball blinder; groin cloth; lamb gut nut hut; corn husk; clam dam; poon balloon; Woody's wetsuit; geyser cork; package protector; sperminal terminal; dong depot; detour; stop sign; picket line; cock cloak; Bismarck barrier; penis shroud; scabbard; horse hanger; gent tent; probe robe; banister canister; party favour; peter pouch; rod rind; burrito poncho; root celler; protein packet; crash helmet; banana peel; sheath; dong sarong; willy wrap; third leg trouser; membrane; canyon slicker; masthead; peanut shell; pen top; pillar pullover; passion-fruit cup; shaft graft; propellant repellant; pricknic basket; uterus excluderous; snatch hatch; shower curtain; cum dumpster; weasel den; sneeze guard; ribbed crib robber; sling shot; bull pen; meat sack; potato skin; dick bra; seat belt; shank tank; the pole barn; thriller chiller; cock-a-doodle-don't; jack hat; pork barrel; slip n' slide slip inside; yellow submarine; cum drum; jack in the box; Major Woody's uniform; turkey-neck tourniquet; haute couture; pipe cleaner; tarp; shrink wrap; wand wallet; bang bottle; chicken chariot; noodle nylon; member muzzle; jock jacket; male box; valve cover; seed sack; sugar cone; eel envelope; depends defender; dunce cap; pig blanket; love capsule; pump sump; John Thomas overcoat; trunk bark; boner bucket; goose noose; hefty sack; hot juice balloon; sperm breaker; cream collector; slip cover; hard hat; pork cork; giz dam; cock frock; DNA dashiki; squirt shirt; ejaculation station; crank tank; missile silo; head shed; peter parka; pregnot; pressure cooker; pickle jar; cum cathador; stuff sack; spunk trunk; bullet bag; ink well; chromosome dome; wiener receptical; dog house; chicken coop; rail pail; scum bag; Johnson Wax; wacker laquer; cum catcher; head veil; rubber; fence; hard again cardigan; vein vale; pin cushion; restrictive headgear; weenie beanie; one-eyed beret; flesh flute boot; load-bearing pud stud; sperm dam; dick dike; lover cover; swell casing; she squealed shield; he stick hindrance; rod retardant; boner binder; beanie my cecil; mister log's sex hat; spunk spittoon; throbben hood; she shell; piecekeeper; paternaway; giz fizzler; rally cap; soap dish; bone blanket; batting glove; pony stable; cloak for dagger; nub cap; French letter; man cream screen; nookie nook; Siemon Block; jock lock; non-breeder's cup; emergency brake; clap cap; dork cork; safety nut; dust cover; parachute; jack rack; salami skin; sleeve; pudding packet; pud pod; snakeskin; glove; cocking stocking; sperm bag; sausage casing; stick suit; snatch guard; insecurity blanket; hose wrapping; prophylactic; boxing glove; Johnson jacket; tapioca Tupperware; doggie bag; sperm aside; penal pullover; loin luggage; oven mitt; hog holster; sword shield; manhole cover; submarine surprise; full latex jacket; missile mask; glad bag; hot dog bun; wank tank; body armour; rope restricter; raincoat; shower cap; swim suit; embryno; Jimmy hat; pork rind; pigskin; hump hindrance; spunk stopper; dick dam; sleaveland; meat tenderiser; wood hood; dipper slipper; worm womb; banana bandana; whore bore; baby block; zuchini beanie; cyclop's eye-patch; straightjacket; Saran wrap; back pack; filling station; seapage keeper; crack pro; bag lady; muscle muzzle; trouser trout salad sandwich; reliance appliance; fornication filtration; sperm lance-a-not; no-drip faucet; conception redirection; acorn shell; hub cap; third testicle; goo-be-gone; jiffy lube tube; quicker picker upper; jewellery box; mushroom cap; carrot top; peter purse; go-between; prostitute chute; gender guard; quif thief; tunnel funnel; spiral binder; boa contricter; runt stunter; tool shed; screw top; egg beaters; man quart thwart; heir alter; anti-proliferation device; family crisis; dead end; inconceivable; milt kilt; knock-me-knot; knob swab; cameltoe noflow; python pocket; gonad girdle; slut safety; muff moat; oil pan; gas tank; candleabra; pillowcase; galoshes; casino worker; knob knot; silly puddy; layin' den; shaft shell; baggie; dick partition; bullet casing; rain fly; distributor cap; vacuum bag; head light; hood ornament; tyre pump; bitch glitch; dink tank; water buffalo balloon; jissim prison; Quaker moat; indickitive; bone bonnet; cup o'soup; spunk mug; throbber Thermos; blockaides; HIV net; fish ladder; mis-direction; sleave it to beaver; snail shell; slug housing; muzzle loader; wad wallet; sleeper car; dicktionary; wet bar; cell block; DNA lounge; packer wrapper; jister holster; hereditary halter; gene pool; milt filter; cum cup; cummer bun; wanger hangar; meat locker; corn dog; cock dock; seal-a-meal; Catholic catheter; boardwalk oyster; high-protein snack shack; scrot coat; kiddie lidder; crown; flesh fedora; cumbrella; baby buggy buffer; pit stop; sperm worm; birth berth; goo blockers; chromosome tombstone; offspring sling; relative preventive; gonad goggles; blast casket; cum crypt; side winder binder; baby strainer; semen hammock; conceivable receivable; rod pod; juice jar; cock cap; gland gate; prick pouch; shot glass; salami stop; SCUBA (Self Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus); Mr Hardon's dress whites; tallywack sack; gauntlet; party hat; and, well, condom . . .



++++


How to speak cyber

Ten basic terms to guide you through computer conversations.

cul8r See you later
DEU Dead-end user: a consumer who calls helplines with stupid basic questions
f2f Face to face
FAQ Frequently asked question
HHOK Ha-ha, only kidding
IMHO In my humble opinion
IMNSHO, In my not-so-humble opinion
MorF? Male or female?
RTFM Read the fucking manual
TOSsed out Expelled from a chat room for breaking the Terms Of Service agreement


++++


Short of a picnic

How much fun can you have embellishing a nineties idiom? Try the phrase "two sandwiches short of a picnic", an indication that someone is not-quite-there and perhaps a bit lacking in the brain department. The idiom has been around since at least the late 1980s, but in the nineties it has come into its own. At the University of Liverpool they have a Research and Development Unit for English Studies which monitors such things, and it director, Antoinette Renouf, has recorded some 91 variations on the theme since 1988. As she explains the technical usage, "it has become productive as a phraseological framework" whose "particular alternatives are context-dependent". But don't worry about the formalities. Just enjoy a selection of the examples:


A few sandwiches short of a picnic
A brick short of a hod
Two bottles short of a crate
Several pawns short of a full set
A couple of kangaroos short of a full paddock
Definitely a few bricks short of a barbie
Several currants short of a bun
A few shards of pottery short of a full anthropological theory
A nosebag short of a sack of oats
A pork pie short of a picnic
A couple of programmes short of a series
A couple of tokens short of a Green Shield coffee set
A ringpull short of a can
A couple of bets short of a Yankee
A few trolleys short of a supermarket
A few pence short of a first-class stamp
Several coupons short of a toaster
Two cards short of a full house
Two luncheon vouchers short of a ploughman's
Four Soay sheep short of a rare breeds farm
Five storeys short of a high-rise block
A slice short of a full loaf
A trumpet short of a full combo
Quite a few red boxes short of a successful Prime Minister
A jar of pickled seafood short of a van-load
A few chunks short of a Yorkie
A couple of wards short of a full borough
A billion neurons short of a full load
One helmet short of a huddle
A few stock-cubes short of a full polar ration
Several gondolas short of a Cornetto
Several pieces short of a full set
One candle short of a menorah
Several fishes short of a miracle
One player short of a cricket team
A couple of cubs short of a full Lions pack
A few wafers short of a communion
A few cells short of a tournament
Two apples short of a picnic
Two candles short of a Mass
A couple of keys short of a full piano
A few letters short of a full moniker
One planet short of a full galaxy
A few digits short of a dialling code
A few cans short of a six-pack
A couple of leaves short of a shamrock in Dublin
Several prawns short of a cocktail
A few significances short of a fable
A few nappies short of a layette
Two or three cushions short of a three-piece suite
Various wheezes short of a Scottish Parliament
A sheaf short of a stook
Three UCAS points short of a graduation party
A few frames short of a reel
One liquorice stick short of a Pontefract cake
Three diamond clusters short of a tiara
Two sheep short of a flock
One panel short of a full door
A few runes short of a stone circle
A couple of saucers short of a teaset
Several gemstones short of a full tiara
More than a Dolce short of a Gabbana
A few slices short of a loaf
A few pence short of a Euro


++++

Not! - or how the negative became positive

Which films have had the greatest impact on language in the nineties? That's a most resplendently difficult question to answer - not!

Let's explain. The movie Wayne's World, and the two Bill and Ted films, sent a whole new form of slang into mainstream use. The key to it is irony, and the main legacy to language is the Not! construction. Here's a whirlwind primer to this important new linguistic development. Not!

The world is divided into dudes and babes. Desirable versions of the latter are psycho hose beasts who tend to give the former full-on robot chubbies. There's no such thing as good and bad in this world; instead, babes are unprecedented, resplendent, stellar, most totally excellent, triumphant, babelicious. and outstanding, or even most atypically phantasmagorical. But dudes who are less than bodacious are bogus, heinous or non-non-heainous (which cancels out the negation in non-heinous). In other words, they're non-heinous. Not!

That Not! , by the way, made a totally bodaciously triumphant journey from Valspeak, the Valley Girl slang that developed in early 1980s California. But will it last? Shyeah, right (as followers of Wayne's World speak might say), and monkeys might fly out of my butt.


++++


How to write business jargon

Have you ever yearned to compose your own meaningless but impressive-sounding business jargon? Well, now you can - thanks to the Instant Jargonator, designed to make your prose sound just as vacuous as any top 90s executive. The Financial Times helpfully published the following guide to writing business jargon for the 90s, which will ensure that no matter how lucid and clear your natural writing style, you too will soon be pumping out instant gibberish.

All you need to do is think of any three-figure number; then just choose the right buzzword from each column. For example, 713 produces "synchronised organistional mobility". And though nobody will have any idea what you are seeking to say, they will be to daunted and baffled to point this out.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

0 Integrated 0 Management 0 Options
1 Total 1 Organisational 1 Flexibility
2 Systematised 2 Monitored 2 Capability
3 Parallel 3 Reciprocal 3 Mobility
4 Functional 4 Digital 4 Programming
5 Responsive 5 Logistical 5 Concept
6 Optional 6 Transitional 6 Time-phase
7 Synchronised 7 Incremental 7 Projection
8 Compatible 8 Third-generation 8 Hardware
9 Balanced 9 Policy 9 Contingency


Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 16 - Eurojargon

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 16: EUROJARGON


How to talk European

BANALISATION n. The process of eliminating administrative duplication, in the jargon of the European Union, so that toasters do not, for instance, need to be inspected both on leaving France and entering Britain. The word comes from the French banaliser (to make something commonplace) and not, as some have suggested, from the tone of John Major's voice.

BASKET OF CURRENCIES n. Those currencies whose fluctuations on the exchange market are used to determine the value of the single European currency. Not to be confused with basket case (see pound).

BOOMERANG CLAUSE n. The part of the EC treaty (article 91.2, to be precise) and the Efta convention (17.2) that requires every member state to accept the return of goods exported to another member state free of cutom duties and tax. Dull, but a hopeful sign that the Eurocrats may at last have begun injecting picturesque phrases into their jargon.

BROADENING v. Extending the EU's links with other states such as Slovakia, which are not necessarily brought within the union through the process known as enlargement. The term also refers to what Helmut Kohl does with his shoulders and chest before telling he British delegation what's what.

CASSIS DE DIJON n. Not a blend of kir and mustard, but a 1979 Court of Justice ruling that's still on every Eurocrat's lips. This established that goods made in one member state shoud be free to circulate in any other.

COHESION n. The means by which money from the rich north of the EU is channelled to the poor south so that the union is bound together. Often pronounced with a Spanish, Greek or Portuguese accent.

COMITOLOGY n. The principle that EU committees are responsible for assisting the Commission in implementing its decisions. Some etymologists believe the word is in fact mis-spelt and that EU decision-making relies largely on astrology.

CONCENTRIC CIRCLES n. An EU euphemism for the slower orbits in which the more sceptical member states, such as Britain, have avoided fully committing themselves to closer unity. The flaw in this metaphor is that concentric circules, by their mathematical nature, have a common centre, which some have calculated lies somewhere in the suburbs of Bonn.

CONVERGENCE n. The progressive movement of member states' economic policies towards each other. In practice, this means that they all sink into recession.

CROCODILE CLUB n. A club of MEPs founded in 1980 to commit Europe to advancing towards political union. Eurosceptics brashly dismiss them in public as reptiles who merely jaw, but if you look closely you can spot the tears welling up in the sceptics' eyes.

DEEPENING v. What Helmut Kohl does with his voice as he tells the British delegation what's what (see broadening). It's also process by which the existing EU members become further integrated, rather than gaining new members.

DELOCALISATION OF SAVINGS n. The transfer of investments by businesses and individuals to countries where tax rates are more favourable. There is no truth that delocalisation is derived from Jacques Delors , who always tended to be out of favour.

DENATURING v. Processing or destroying agricultural products to avoid surplus EU production. As we went to press, nature was being awarded a 6 billion ecu subsidy with which to fight back.

DOUBLE DISAPPROVAL n. An EU principle by which the price of a flight may only be prohibited if it has been vetoed by both governments concerned. Also the response given to Edward Heath as he walks past the Eurosceptic MPs John Redwood and Bill Cash.

ECONOMICALLY AND SOCIALLY LEAST PRIVILEGED GROUPS n. pl. The poor. Why would Europe use a little phrase when a big one might generate more income for the translators?

ECONOMICALLY INACTIVE PERSONS n. pl. In EU jargon, those people (such as students and playboys) who choose not to be employed. Also refers to the Eurocrats who spend all day coining such verbiage at our expense.

EUROSECURITIES n. pl. Financial guarantees distributed by a syndicate from more than one member state (cf Euroinsecurities, which disrupt William Hague's sleep patterns).

FLOOR n. What the pound, lira, franc, etc, generally fall through.

HARMONISATION n. The coordination of member states' national legislation and regulations, discussion of which produces violent schisms and disharmony.

HOT BANANA n. The huge zone curving through Europe from the British Midlands down via the Frankfurt region towards Milan, embracing the continent's greatest concentration of population and economic power. The French know the zone as the dorsale , or backbone, but a French veto has prevented the British from using the word "backbone" in any European context . . .

IMPS n. acr. Integrated Mediterranean Programmes: aid programmes to assist the economically and socially least privileged EU regions (qv) on the Mediterranean. British proposals for a smaller, cheaper version are sarcastically known a SHRIMPS.

IN-OUT COHABITATION n. Current Euro-jargon for the relationship between the states keen to join a common currency, and those determined to stay outside. But don't let the vicar hear you discussing it: he might get the wrong idea.

KANGAROO GROUP n. An informal group of MEPs who work together to get sectors of industry and commerce to help the European Commission define its strategies. Its name symbolises leaping over barriers - although the group's late founder, Basil de Ferranti, said that the kangaroo was a bad-tempered animal who, when confronted with a barrier, would probably just kick it in.

KETSCHUP n. Germ. The new German version of Ketchup - just as Kanguruh evolved from Kanguru. All part of the new Vienna Declaration, which supposedly simplifies the way the language is spelt. Or rather spellscht.

LEVEL PLAYING FIELD n. The European Central Cliche. Bet you can't find an EU speech which doesn't contain the phrase.

MAMMARY SECRETION n. jarg. An opaque white fluid produced by EU animals in a cunning bid to draw subsidies. It's what they call milk.

MONEY n. Sensitive to the vast amounts it spends, the EU uses euphemisms to avoid attracting too much attention. In deciding how much aid should go to the world's poorest countries, for instance, there is much talk of volume ; a large British rebate that was negotiated was an abatement ; and in budget discussions, cash comes as a financial envelope or package , inside which is found a number of budget lines.

NON-EDIBLE VEGETABLE n. jarg. A flower, in the new Euro-terminology decided in Brussels - just as milk is not simply milk but mammary secretions , and nuts are to be known as shell fruits. Euro-MPs have campaigned to remove such pompous language from official documents - they call it obscuranto (qv) - but still it persists.

OBSCURANTO n. A term for the language EU officials use to conduct self-important discussions well away from the public, covering up painful admissions with vague clouds of words. The harmless "proposals for stabilisation measures in the oil and fats regime", for instance, clouded wha was actually a threat of huge price increases for margarine and cooking oil.

SAGESSE NORMANDE, LA phr. Fr. The wisdom of Normandy, as promoted by a French speaker in an EU debate. Alas, the translation reportedly came out as: "We need Norman Wisdom." We challenge John Redwood to prove otherwise.

SOCIAL DUMPING n. jarg. The tendency of industry to move jobs to the member state with the weakest labour protection and lowest wages. Also the tendency of Conservative Eurosceptics to could-shoulder Edward Heath at cocktail parties.

TEMPORARY adj. Permanent, used for measures about which the Commission is embarrassed (such as milk quotas). Limits on what farmers could produce were introduced "temporarily" way back in 1984. They continue to be "reviewed" (qv mammary secretion).

TRANSPARENCY n. Code for opening up the union's secretive decision-making institutions: a direct challenge to obscuranto (qv).

VALUES n. pl. What a Paris hotel was recently advising guests, in an English-language notice, to leave at the front desk for safekeeping. A fine example of inappropriate translation that was matched only by the Prague tourist agency, which in 1992 urged visitors to "take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages." Or the German camp site, the same year, where a sign warned: "It is forbidden on our camp site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

WHEELED CHILD CONVEYANCING VEHICLE n. jarg. What the European Union calls a pram. In 1997 it came up with new regulations, which led Britain's Department of Trade and Industry to go one better: a pram, it declared, is "a wheeled vehicle designed for the transport in a seated or semi-recumbent position of one or two babies or infants or any carry-cot or transporter thereof". Poetry.

WOMEN, THE PROFESSIONAL INSERTION OFv. One of the Commisison's stated priorities for its "social action programme". Presumably the Commission meant that it could do what it could to help women to progress within the professions, but certain minds boggled.


Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 15 - Health

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 15: HEALTH


Meet the modern affliction

ARCTIC WILLY n. A nineties affliction, recorded in the British Medical Journal, that affects men who ski in frost-bite temperatures. A chilling thought.

ASTHMA CARRIER n. sl. The danger that road protesters claim is endangering our health. In other words, the motor vehicle. It is the slang of the panses (qv), the campaigners who are Politically Active and Not Seeking Employment.

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER n. The neurobiological condition being used to justify appalling behaviour by otherwise intelligent children. ADD, as US courts keep hearing, is what makes these "emotional cripples" mug, rob, stab and damage cars. Michael Fay, who gained fame when whipped for his misdeeds in Singapore, claimed to be a slightly older victim, but the Singapore authorities couldn't have been paying attention.

BEDBLOCKER n. med. A patient, usually an elderly person, who stands in the way of hospital economics. Although they do not need immediate medical attention, they cannot be moved from a bed, often because social services cannot afford to house them. The only known cure: radical refinancing of local government.

BODY McCARTHYISM n. A contemporary panic among internal fashion victims (qv) that involves rigorous control of all ones bodily fluids. To a large extent a product of the Aids era, it may explain why your attempt at a kiss meets a handshake, or that sip you offer a practitioner from your beer bottle is curtly refused.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER n. Sufferers are baffled, angry, intense and impulsive, and are terrified of being left alone. Parts of the press seem to think Princess Diana was BPD's celebrity carrier, but that sounded an angry, intense and impulsive sort of accusation.

CHRONIC LIFE SYNDROME n. A new medical term to describe the constant pattern of "disease" affecting many of the 13 million Americans aged over 75. According to medics at the Suncoast Gerontology Center in Florida, chronic life is caused by the pattern of illnesses that negates the benefits of our increasingly long lives.

FLATULENCE EVENT n. Overindulged over the weekend? Here's the polite new term for describing your urgent need to break wind. Medics at San Diego's university, studying this topic, couldn't bring themselves to use the less scientific term - it might leave them in bad odour . . .

GOMER n. Hospital slang for the sort of troublesome patient who delights in giving everyone a really hard time. An acronym, it stands for 'Get Out Of My Emergency Room!'

HEALTHISM n. The trend (led by healthists) towards making us aware of the health implications of everything we eat, drink, smoke or otherwise ingest. Healthists are generally not much fun at parties.

INTERNAL FASHION VICTIM n. Someone with those very nineties obsessions, inner health and diet. Identified by i-D magazine; followers are recognisable by a glass of organic carrot juice and pile of vitamin pills.

MENTALISM n. The fashionable tendency for people (admittedly often very dull people) to pretend to be crazy, perhaps as a means of appearing interesting. As the Face magazine describes it, it's the "'I'm mad, me' cult of pretending to be loopy - a response to the pressures of end-of-century life".

MUSCLE DYSMORPHIA n. A psychiatric disorder in which musclebound sporting types somehow convince themselves they are wimps. Experts link the disorder to anorexia nervosa, but with the preoccupation going in the opposite direction: the mirror shows a body that is never big enough. Now if only the disease could be contained among nightclub bouncers . . .

NEBRIATRICIAN n. One of the new branch of specialist health researchers whose "highly controversial" and "deeply disturbing" findings are gold dust to news editors on a quiet day. This one, according to the British Medical Journal, undertakes studies of why people drink alcohol and looks for ways to stop them doing so. Thirsty work.

NONISM n. That extreme form of nineties health faddism in which you avoid any substance that might harm your mental and physical well-being. Forget drink, drugs, caffeine, meat and dairy products - oh, and sex. One Boston psychiatrist whose son had joined the movement described him as a "pleasure anorexic".

NUTRACEUTICAL n. This is food with added vitamins and minerals, designed to make your medicine more palatable. The word is also used to describe one of the so-called "functional foods" - such as bacteria-enhanced yoghurts - that are now all over your supermarket claiming to be good for you. Said to be a cross between pharmaceuticals and, well, old-fashioned food, although taste tests have suggested otherwise.

OBE n. An Out-of-Body Experience: the current fashionable New Age phenomenon that is said to enhance your spiritual health. If you've left your body recently, according to those who know, you're an "eksomatic experiencer who goes beyond your biochemical state". Either that, or you're drunk.

OXYGEN BAR n. An urban retreat, first popularised in Canada, where you can relax and inhale some pure O2 with your drink. Doctors aren't convinced it will make you any healthier, but if you're willing to pay for the buzz, then someone near you will shortly be happy to take your cash.

PARADISE SYNDROME n. med. A new medical condition that afflicts only those poor, unfortunate types who have absolutely everything they could want. "It is when your world is going absolutely, fantastically well and you feel so inspired that you think you must be ill," claims the illness's first populariser, pop star Dave Stewart. The result: a host of imaginary ailments.

PASSIVE OVER-EATING n. med. Scientists' term for the new western malaise - the consumption of fat-filled convenience foods that are quietly turning us obese, even though we might consume less.

PERFORMANCE TENSION DIARRHOEA n. Tense, nervous stomach ache? In need of an urgent toilet visit before that stressful job interview or tough assignment? You are suffering not from the runs, but from this fashionable new syndrome. And now one in five of us is apparently justified in using this posh-sounding name.

PHARM v. To farm genetically modified animals or crops in order to compete with the pharmaceutical industry. Insert a human gene into a cow and use its milk as a cheap source of human serum albumin, used in blood transfusions; or grow modified bananas which contain a vaccine against hepatitis. Cheaper than a pill factory - and those modern pharmyard noises tend to be scientists counting their windfalls.

PHARMACOGENOMICS n. sci. A new field within human genetics which seeks to find out how our inherited DNA make-up controls our responses to various drugs or foods. So if you are likely to develop side effect to, say, a drug for your heart, you can be screened out at an early stage and pout on a more suitable treatment.

RECOVERY n. The health fad of the mid-nineties, it presumes that most of use were at one stage the victim of some sort of abuse, that we must merely face up to in order to make the sun shine again in our lives. The term has gone from the language of therapy to mainstream TV talk shows, which feed off public confessions and so treat the world as one big dysfunctional family. Critics of recovery attack it as "victimology", in which there is always someone else we can blame for our current difficulties.

ROID RAGE n. Not to be confused with road rage: this is the aggression common in those macho types who take anabolic steroids to build up their muscles. As Camille Paglia defines it, it's "the heightened state of violent aggression induced by excess testosterone" - and it's proof that gyms are unhealthy places.

TASK COMPLETION WISHFUL THINKING SYNDROME n. jarg. A form of behaviour discovered after five years of research by Dr Dale Griffin of Sussex University. In non-academic language, it means that projects tend to take longer than you expect.

TATT n. A contemporary medical condition coined to describe those who are "tired all the time". Current theories of Tatt's causes include an excess of central heating and pursuing a lazy domestic lifestyle; suggested cures include a dose of Tott (that's Turning Off The Television).

TIPSY COW DISEASE n. euph. The British Veterinary Association's preferred term for mad cow disease, on the grounds that BSE-affected cows show the symptoms of drunkenness rather than the more terrifying madness. Nice try, guys, but when you try that hard, euphemisms just don't tend to catch on.

TUBE n. sl. A medical routine particularly favoured by young male doctors: in medical slang it stands for the "Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination" - and is an example of the proliferating medical slang collected by Dr Phil Hammond. If you see TF Bundy on your medical notes, this suggests you are "Totally Fucked But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet"; and Grolies are "Guardian Readers Of Limited Intelligence In Ethnic Skirts". Feel better now?


Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 14 - In black and white

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 14: IN BLACK AND WHITE


Some black terms that went mainstream - and some that are still causing difficulties

AFRO-SAXON n. A new term for black Britons. Lord Taylor of Warwick claims to have coined the term to define "all the black people who want to contribute to Britain, who aren't scroungers or muggers". But others suggest that Professor Rex Nettleford coined it 30 years ago as a pejorative term to describe West Indian migrants' emphasis on their "Englishness" to gain acceptance.

AUDI 5000 sl. Having taken one's leave. Don't follow? It means "out of here", as in the line from the phat rap film, Fear Of A Black Hat: "She'll be Audi 5000." Presumably you're not too wack to know that phat (see below) means exceptional. Or that wack means boring.

B-BOY n. mus. Street slang for a close (male) follower of the hip-hop scene, named for the beat or break-beat boys who hit the rap scene first in New York and then, suitably diluted and sterilised, in every white suburban bedroom that displayed a Beastie Boy poster. A girl B-boy is not a B-girl, but a flygirl.

BLACK adj. a) An adjective that continues to caused unimaginable problems among the politically correct. A couple of years ago, the Black Dyke Mills brass band, celebrated in Yorkshire, was due to play Carnegie Hall in New York. Until the hall detected that "black", as well as "dyke", might offend both the race and gay lobbies in one. The solution it suggested - rename it the British Mills Brass Band - was turned down as "a national insult, an outrageous suggestion . . ."

BLACK adj. b) A word that no longer exists - at least, if you work for the Sussex police force. The chief constable has decreed that phrases such as turned black (police talk for a fatality) are, like accident black spots, "no longer appropriate" - and so he has blacked them.

BUTTER adj. sl. Smooth and cool, in the latest rap slang - as in "My shorty has a butter flavour". That's shorty, as in the hot way to describe a girlfriend, and flavour (or, in all likelihood, flavor) as in style. And, yo, if your peeps (friends) still don't have the four-one-one (information) on the latest street talk, they can now get it in a new slang dictionary from Random House. But you'll have to be quick: this language changes fast. We're told that last season's phrase for "That's the truth" - No doubt - has now become No diggity. Chillin'.

CABLINASIAN n. A new racial classification, combining elements of Caucasian, black, Indian and Asian backgrounds. Coined by Tiger Woods, the American golfer who previously would have been thought of as black. In the melting pot of complex inter-ethnic weaving, such simple descriptions are no longer acceptable.

CASH ENGLISH n. The formal, grammatical language used in places such as inner-city Los Angeles to differentiate it from the so-called ebonics (qv) heard on the streets. Why? Because, as one teacher puts it, unlike black dialects it's the type that can get them through job interviews.

DIS v. To insult or dis-respect - and perhaps hip-hop's greatest contribution to mainstream slang. It started as black slang in American cities, and then took the familiar route - through music and then TV programmes - to white suburban consciousness. Bet your grandma now knows what it means.

EBONICS n. The "black English" street slang spoken in many US inner cities (where "She will be first in line", for instance, becomes "She-uh be firs in line"). The school board in Oakland, California, recognised it as a distinct second language in 1996, on the grounds that to disparage it would disparage a culture. Needless to say, the decision became a hot racial and political issue.

MISS THANG n. sl. US rap's contribution to feminist studies - it is a woman who appears to be pretentious, flirtatious or falsely charming (as in "Will you just look at Miss Thang . . .?"). Thang started as a Deep South pronunciation of "thing", the snobbishness of that long, leisured drawl finally making it up to Harlem.

NIGGER n., offens?. A bad word that in the nineties became a good word, at least among some black people who sought to reclaim it (qv queer) - but don't try this one if you're white, please. The term's re-creation began with hip-hop music, with rappers proudly using it to describe themselves (remember NWA - Niggaz Wit' Attitude?). And it stuck - despite campaigns by the likes of the Reverend Calvin O Butts, a Harlem pastor who in 1993 tried to ban the word (along with those other rap favourites niggas, bitches and ho's). He failed, needless to say.

PHAT adj. Phat means more or less the same as ill, massive, dope and bad - in other words, good, in the gangsta-rap slang of the late nineties. Our lexicographical usage department advises that a musical offering by Nine, called What D'ya Want, Nine?, offers a typical usage: "What d'ya want, Nine?" "Phat beats for ma rhyme" (a good, solid backing track for my lyrics). Nine also wants some ammunition for his 9mm Uzi machine gun, but that is rather unphat of him.

PIM acr. The Positive Image Mentality that is much talked of among black people. Underlying the philosophy is the view that anything that reflects well on the black community should be stressed, and anything that reflects badly, ignored. That's why magazines such as Ebony focus on celebrities, success and upward mobility.

SNAP n., v. A black tradition that went mainstream in the mid-nineties, involving swapping insults that get progressively more abusive. Start with "Your family is so poor, they go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers," and move on to "If ugliness were bricks, your mother would be a housing project." There are entire books with details of what you can tell someone to do with their mama.

WHITE n. One of the uncomfortable targets of the politically correct movement in the early-to-mid nineties, keen to ensure words caused no offence. New Yorkers avoided white or black coffee but preferred to ask for "with" or "without"; but the climax was the Washington Post reporter's ingenious method of discussing the film White Men Can't Jump in a way that avoided offending anybody's sensitivities. He carefully retitled it "There May be Anthropological Differences That Account For Variation in Personal Vertical Lift, Though These Do Not Imply the Kinetic Inferiority of One Ethnic Group Vis-a-Vis Another" . . .

WHITELASH n. White middle-America's new outspokenness against those damned pinko liberals. They're sick of taxes, welfare, crime and feminists. And with Newt Gingrich's help, they're on the warpath.

WHITE TRASH n. What started as an insulting way to describe a social class of poor Southern US whites, and went mainstream in the mid-ninteies as a distinct culture to be celebrated. The likes of Roseanne and Tonya Harding put the term into common media circulation, and then films such as True Romance (1993) and Natural Born Killers (1994) made it glamorous. Look for the fast-food bucket and the six-pack of Budweiser.

WIGGER sl. n. A white person who tries to be black - short for "white nigger", and rap slang for the Marky Mark types who borrow black music, fashion or language. And any non-rapper who has ever said dude or chilled out stands accused.


Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 13 - Street slang

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 13: STREET SLANG


Words that are so hot they'll be cold again by the time you start using them

07734 int. The cool greeting for the digital age. It's the number being received by electronic beepers everywhere: turn it upside down and you've got "HELLO". The game also works in Spanish: 50538, or "BESOS", means kisses.

1471 v. The fashionable telephone number for the late nineties. These four digits have come to make a verb, meaning to discover who has just phoned you but rung off. A product of BT callback technology, you tap in 1471 to find out the number of your last caller. Hence the verb: "She bottled out after two rings, but he 1471d her and called her back."

AND MONKEYS MIGHT FLY OUT OF MY BUTT n. sl. "That's rubbish." It began with the film Wayne's World, and soon spread to teen conversations everywhere.

ARM CANDY n. An attractive (generally male) model, who is worth being seen with. Current slang in the catwalk circuit.

BESTEST adj. Better than best, the term now favoured by those Klosters-and-Kensington types who look to the Duchess of York for guidance in such matters.

BOOKMARK v. comp. To make a note of someone's number or address so you can contact them in future (as in "I'd like to bookmark you and maybe see you for dinner..."). It started as an Internet term, but Scientific American has reecorded its growing mainstream use (see also low bandwidth).

BOTTOM-BURP n. Older readers would know this simply as a fart. But then the writers of Just Seventeen magazine have their own, let's say, colourful way of talking.

BUMSTER sl. n. A popular but threatened aspect of Gambian tourism: young men who hang around beaches awaiting the attentions of European women. The country's rulers have banned such "sex tourism" as immoral.

DEAD PRESIDENT phr. sl. US banknotes - recognisable by their portraits of George Washington, Andrew Jackson, et al. A dead pres, in Harlem street slang, is differentiated from money in general, which is simply cream.

DOPE adj. sl. Cool, in nineties teen-speak. You'll also hear of things being slammin', kickin', choice, tight, sweet and sick. Not, of course, that cool itself is uncool: no, that word's still totally dope.

DROP A DIME v. What used to be to grass: current US slang for informing on someone. After all, you can call the police from a public phone all you need is a dime. Or in some states, a quarter; but the term has not proved to be index-linked.

DWERB n. sl. A dwerb is a dweeb, only worse. Accoring to the San Jose Mercury, dwerbs say things like "Gosh, darn" and "You betcha!", and move to California from such cultural backwaters as Idaho, Ohio, Iowa, and other places made up of vowels. Still to cross the pond, but we're watching out for it.

ELVIS adj. sl. How British troops describe a colleague who is unprepared for enemy attack - a gas bombardment in the Gulf, for instance. For Elvis Presley, as the saying goes, "is history".

ELVIS YEAR n. The year a product or trend is at its peak of popularity - before an often sad and embarrassing decline. The year 1997, for instance, might be called the Teletubbies' Elvis year. Then again, there's always the worrying prospect people will keep insisting on claiming they are alive and shopping in local supermarkets . . .

FURNITURE MOVER n. A hysterical patient, in the slang of psychiatrists. A writer, John Davis, has collected together such buzzwords and discovered several other linguistic gems such as pants waver (nymphomaniac) and double header (schizophrenic).

HAIRBALL! excl. The current West Coast word for terrifying: frequently heard from glamorous Malibu types fleeing the bush fires as they threw their Louis XIV armchairs into the swimming pools. Not to be confused with fireball, beachball or ball-bearing.

HIGHBEAMS n. sl. That wide-eyed look that results from getting high on crack cocaine - from the term for full car headlights. The risk, in nineties drug slang, is that the habit will lead to tweaking - that state of drug-induced paranoia - and eventaully might cause you to shoot the kerb. This involves losing everything to crack.

KIBO acr. Knowledge in, bullshit out. Get some experts together to discuss a serious issue, from politics to literature, and watch them waffle. It's even spawned a religion on the Net, known as "kibology".

LOW BANDWIDTH phr., comp. A put-down of someone's mental capacity - as in, "That guy's bandwidth is so low he thinks the Spice Girls are musicians.'' Entering mainstream life from the computer nerds' talk, in which bandwidth normally refers to the amount of information a computer network can process and transmit at one time.

MACK OUT v. sl. To eat a big meal - American "dude" slang, used among those teens who talk of babes being most excellent. Named after McDonald's.

MAXWELL n. A measurement equivalent to about 200lb of human flesh. In current use among undertakers, who define the larger human corpse in this way.

PEAR-SHAPED adj. Ugly or unpleasant, as in: "I can't believe it. Everything has gone pear-shaped" (Brian Harvey, formerly of East 17, forced to apologise after claiming that Ecstasy was safe). Some suggest that the term derives from the womanly shape that some men find less than attractive; others that it was made up by scriptwriters for TV cop shows.

PLOT, TO HAVE LOST THE phr. sl. At last, a slang term that began in Britain and made it to the US. This one, as the US style magazine W discloses, "is the hip English expression for someone who has gone off the rails".

RENTON n. sl. An extremely short haircut - after the one worn by the mashed-up (that is, intoxicated) character played by Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting.

ROCKBROKER BELT n. That part of Surrey once frequented by stockbrokers, now more favoured by ageing rockers. To hear the gentle twang of a Fender, followed by wheezing and puffing, drive past the mansions of Virginia Water and Epsom.

ROLLOVER WEEK n. It started as a Lottery expression for when the jackpot was rolled over to the next week; but now, as a correspondent reports from deepest Shropshire, it has taken on a whole new meaning: "She's got that much energy, every night, can't keep up with her, can I?" a chap was heard saying in the pub. "I'll be glad when it's a rollover week . . ."

ROOFIES sl. s. A drug more formally known as Rohypnol, which induces a hypnotic tate, impairs memory and lowers sexual inhibitions. That's why it's also become known as the "date-rape drug'', and why those unwittingly taking it can end up with more than a headache the morning after.

SCOTTY n. sl. The current slang, prevalent in certain inner-city areas, used for the drug crack. Why? Well, just think of Star Trek and "Beam me up . . ."

SLIM TO ANOREXIC adj. Current PR-talk as to the chances of something unhelpful being allowed to happen. Camille Paglia appearing on the Michael Barrymore show? That's slim to anorexic.

SMURF sl. n. In New York gangster slang, an unobtrusively ordinary citizen whose personal bank accounts are used to launder drug money. Sums are kept small and spread over many accounts; still, billions of dollars are thought to be passing through the smurf community.

SNOG-TASTIC adj. sl. What Prince William is, according to teen 'zine TV Hits. A royal correspondent comments that this, apparently, means that he is a rather kissable young man.

SPACE BANDITn. Not a character in a malignant video game, but a term used by estate agents to describe the national retailing chains which take up large bland chunks of every high street.

SPANG v. To beg on the streets: current slang, probably from that ubiquitous refrain, "Spare any change?"

STEEP sl. n. In current US college slang, someone who wears politically-correct opinions, but also rather expensive clothing. We really must have a cocktail party to raise money for those poor Rwandans. "Guccis but no furs," as one writer puts it.

STUD-PUPPY n. What to call someone you rather fancy - in US slang.

SUCK SOMOEONE'S FLAVOUR v. To emulate someone's style - current teen slang for the way in which admirers of a filthy (cool) person begin to wear the same clothes. But don't be a cretin maggot by sucking the flavour of a cool guy - that's someone who's most definitely uncool, but doesn't realise . . .

TEABAG n. sl. One of those subjects of Her Britannic Majesty who happens to be inhabiting the United States. Or, in the old slang, a Brit.

TONSIL-TICKLING BOUT n. sl. A snog session, in the overwrought slang of teenage magazines. Such a bout will typically occur in the swank-o-pad of a dreamy swoonball who has enormous snog potential, after a romantic meal at a swish nosh-shop. It's possible that nobody actually uses these terms apart from the middle-aged magazine hacks who write it, but then again they might enjoy more snogs than the rest of us.

VIC DAMONE n. Victory - a newly popularised slang term in the States that resulted from George Bush's frequent use of it. To achieve Vic Damone on the golf course, as the New York Times explained the Bushism, the former president had to avoid Wedge City, control the yips and chips, and steer the ball to the dance floor. Meaning he needed to avoid bunkers, control his nerves and chip neatly on to the greens.

WAZZ ON YOUR BONFIRE v tr. To spoil your fun, or take the wind out of your sails - an example of British Youthspeak recently discovered by the marketing industry in its YouthTruth survey. Presumably the Bonfire Wazz fizzy drink is already in the planning stag.

WIZZY adj. The adjective of the moment: anything positive, exciting, magical or desirable has suddenly come to be wizzy . Perhaps linked to the magical powers of wizards, or the inescapable impact of whizz-bangs and whizz-kids. And no doubt connected to that computing buzzword, wysiwyg - standing for what you see is what you get.

WUSS or WUSSY n. A combination of wimp and pussy, this is the insult of the moment as popularised by Beavis and Butthead.

YEAH, RIGHT excl. How a student interrupted a lecture in Chicago dealing with double-negatives. In every language, the lecturer said, you could use two negatives to make a positive - but in English two positives don't make a negative. Cue voice from back of the hall: "Yeah, right."

YUMLICIOUS adj. Kissably attractive, in the nineties language of teenage girls' magazines. Good-looking boys are also sponditiously brilliant, faborific, splendiferous and saucelicious ; and as for the most stunning-looking, no superlative expresses their desirablilty more than the title of Just Seventeen's regular back-page pin-up: Fwoarrrgh!


Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 12 - Trends and fads

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 12: TRENDS AND FADS


What the fashionable nineties person is talking about

ALCOPOP n. The controversial drink to be seen with, this is lemonade with more than the usual fizz: 4.7 per cent alcohol, to be precise. It's the booze industry's latest wheeze, with about 20 potent brands of not-so-soft drinks on the shelves. All targeted at adults, of course: no pocket money if you suggest otherwise.

ALLIGATOR ALLEY adj. A new colour for the nineties, as invented by an outfit called the Color Marketing Group of America. They predict the fashionable hues of the season to come, and decided that this one (big in 1997) "reflects the core of society as an urban combat colour". Blackish-green, if you wanted to know.

'ROUND MIDNIGHT adj. Another of the Color Marketing Group's new predictions - and one which marks the continuingtrend towards "multiculturalism and ethnic diversity". We used to call it black. Do people pay for this sort of information?

AROMACOLOGY n. A new so-called science that claims to use odours to benefit your health. A scented patch worn on your arm, for instance, is claimed to put you off chocolate and so help your diet; but some scientists are not convinced that aromacology works, and, er, smell a rat.

BABYMOON n. The period that comes after a baby's birth when its parents enjoy a few days of pleasure and relaxation before the broader realities of child-rearing hit home (ie nappies, sleepless nights, adolescence etc). As described by editor Ian Hargreaves, who sent a postcard from his babymoon to the staff at New Statesman.

BLEEPER BONDAGE n. That mid-nineties burden of travelling salespeople, freelance journalists and besuited executives. Sleeping? Enjoying a quiet meal? Watching Schindler's List? Bleep . . . bleep . . . bleep . . . Time to call in, you technology slave.

BOBBITTECTOMY n. Yet another new word to have resulted from John Wayne B's famous penile accident at the hands of his wife. The Journal of American Speech has also spotted Bobbittize, do a Mrs Bobbitt, and Bobbitt syndrome: a feared rash of Bobbittectomies.

CALIFORNICATION n. The fashion among well-off urban types to find some unspoilt rural location and bring to it all their sinful city values. The word is current among Montana cattle ranchers to describe the interfering West-coast types "coming in and telling us what to do". The evils they bring include environmentalism, land protection, animal-rights activism and Jane Fonda.

CITOLOGY n. The systematic study of academic footnotes and references, a key pastime for scholars keen to show that their works have been cited in as many other papers as possible. For that makes them look almost indispensable . . .

CLICK v. To be as one with the trends of the times. A current Madison Avenue buzzword popularised by trend-analyst Faith Popcorn. But she ruins it by turning it into a pap acronym: c for courage, l for letting go, i for insight, c for commitment, k for knowledge. How very quaint.

CREMAINS n. What remains after a body has been cremated, in the term now used by the funeral industry. It has taken on a new significance because of the fashion for disposing of one's ashes in creative ways: one company will turn you into cremation jewellery, another will send you up into space. And a Marvel comic editor who died in 1996 left instructions for his cremains to be mixed with ink and used to print his final work . . .

CRUNCHY adj. Natural and environmentally aware: an adjective for the organic age. People, just like breakfast cereals, can be crunchy ; you might also hear them described as granolas. Best probably not to comment that their cagoule could do with a dry-clean.

DAVID MELLOR n. Fr. A French term, reported to be in common use among trendy Parisians in late 1992. And what does un David Mellor actually mean? "A bad haircut,'' informs our branche man on the street.

DEFINING MOMENT, THE phr. A phrase on commentators' lips throughout the mid-nineties, whether discussing Bosnian pull-backs, Northern Irish peace talks, or
extra-time goals. The cliche of the nineties. Possibly even the defining cliche.

DUMB DOWN v. To go downmarket, esp. a newspaper or broadcasting organisation , in a bid for more readers or viewers. The New York Times, which has just increased its type size, is the latest publication to be accused of dumbing down. But in these PC times, shouldn't we hold a seminar to debate that word "dumbing"?

EARLY BIRD n. The colour yellow, if you are a paint manufacturer. Yellow is also, depending on your exact shade, called first light', razzle dazzle, early bird, sonnet and solstice. Who said the manufacturing industries couldn't be creative?

EDGE-CITY n. That ill-defined urban are (between suburbs, town centres and green belt) inhabited by shopping centres, retail warehouses and executive housing. An idea from the US which has now firmly settled in here.

EDIBLE LANDSCAPING n. The use of edible plants in your back graden - the fashionable way to garden for today's self-sufficient crunchy types (qv).

EQ n. The emotional quotient we are all now to be measured by, alongside the more conventional intelligence quotient. Blame Daniel Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, which argues that success does not require a high IQ. The solution: learn the cultural habits of those who are winning in life, and do as they do.

FEEL-GOODISM n. The trend, particularly in publishing, to promise solutions to every known ailment and anxiety that consumers could possibly have. That way, the cure to everything from millennial fears to social phobias turns out to be a £10.99 purchase of your latest feel-good tome.

FEEWAY n. A new type of freeway where you must pay to drive. Invented in Los Angeles, where for $2.95 a day drivers can save 20 minutes by driving along a special 10-mile road. A concept popularly known among Angelenos as "polite highway robbery''.

GRANNY FARM v., n. To send elderly people in large numbers to a place where they can be safely ignored. The most controversial recent case of granny farming involved a shipment to the Costa Blanca. Don't expect a postcard.

GRUNGE adj. No, not the musical meaning. This one is a "trend-defining" colour - a grey-green that "reflects the youthful rebellion against establishment brights". Yes, it's more guff from that Color Marketing Group again. OK, OK, that's the last time we mention them.

HEGEMONY n. The current vogue-word, which has even overtaken paradigm, to throw into any scholarly analysis of modern pop culture. The academics' obsession with the word was noted in a recent conference of the Popular Culture Assocation, and its dominance was declared nothing short of hegemonic.

HEROIN CHIC n. The designer look of the mid-nineties: it involves gaunt, skinny and sullen models pretending to have just injected themselves with opiates. Or not pretending, as the case may be.

-ISM suffix. That linguistic suffix that seems to have peaked as a phenomenon in the nineties. Everyone, it seems, gets one - from Blair- to Major- toBenn-. The people at Collins Dictionaries have now identified well over 1,000 -isms, including those more recent coinages so-what-ism (1994), techno-fetishism (1993), and non-ism (1990 - that one's the extreme form of self denial when you do without meat, caffeine, alcohol, drugs and sex). The Independent for one has had enough: it has demanded an -ism schism. (See alsowasm.)

KENTUCKY-FRIED GEORGIAN adj. Stone-clad, satellite dish-covered, mock-Georgian fronted and UPVC-window-framed: it is the conservationist's nightmare home. Michael Howard, when Home Secretary, promised to resist the nasty "KFG" look. Maybe that's why his party lost the election . . .

LIGGERATI n. pl. That group of socialite hangers-on who tend to be omnipresent at all those showbiz parties that end up in gossip columns and magazine picture spreads. A ligger, in the music business, is a freeloader who seeks to gain free entry to concerts and parties; this bunch extend the habit to premieres, book launches and anywhere else there's a free glass of 'poo. Lately, journoliggers too have been spotted, according to the Daily Telegraph.

LOOKISM n. The practice of judging people by their looks, which followed racism, sexism and ageism to become a nineties form of unwelcome discrimination. In California, Santa Cruz city council even sought to outlaw lookism in 1993, on the grounds that some folks should not fare worse than others merely because they were "cosmetically challenged".

MANIMAL n. Tabloid-speak for the humanised animal that some scientists predict will soon result from cloning experiments between animals and human genes.

NANNY-CAM n. A tiny video camera, typically concealed inside the head of a child's cuddly teddy bear, from where it spies on the nanny, au pair or childminder. If you keep finding Winnie The Pooh in the toilet bowl, the nanny has probably twigged.

NEW BLACK n. The fashionable colour of the clothing season - defined as whatever fashion hacks are calling "the new black" (as in "brown is the new black . .."). Generally any colour so long as it's not black - although we're getting reports that black is soon to be the new black . . .

OLDMOBILE n. No, not an Oldsmobile - this one is a rather different type of car, being talked about by entrepreneurs keen to profit from our increasing longevity. The new vehicles now being designed for elderly people will have easy-to-hold steering wheels and built-in eye tests, and will use radar to guide cars into parking places.

OVERCLASS n. That ultra-privileged sector of society which, from its protected suburban ghettoes, blames the underclass for all its problems. Very big among right-wingers such as the American Nicholas Lemann, who calls them the "credentialed elite".

PARACHUTE KID n. A teenager from a wealthy family, often in the Far East, who is sent abroad for a cushier and less pressured education. A South Korean, for instance, might go to the US, or a Taiwanese to London, where they may try to settle and avoid military service and other disadvantages of their home country. Why the name? Because their high-achieving mums and dads who put them up to it are known as astronaut parents.

PENTURBIA n. The reborn version of suburbia, where people attempt to rebuild a sense of community in a rural setting far away from urban alienation. Described by Jack Lessinger, a Seattle demographer who coined the term, as an enclave too far away from a city to be sucked into the suburban sprawl.

POLENTA-BELT n. Those aspiring circles (postcodes generally N1 or W11) determinedly ahead of culinary trends. Unwise to bring Le Piat D'Or to a dinner party here.

POST-BACKLASH n, adj. That current stage of the feminism debate exemplified by once-again-proud exponents such as Naomi Wolf and Katie Roiphe. According to those who know, the post-backlash era replaces that of victim feminism. And just as you were coming to terms with the pre-post-backlash . . .

REDUX n. Funny how a forgotten word can become all the rage: recently the Guardian has talked of John Major's "Macmillan Redux" and of "Jimmy Carter Redux", and the New Yorker of "Opium War Redux". First used in 1662, and meaning restored to an earlier healthy state, redux has lately experienced its own redux.

RETROISM n. The tendency, in fashion and music, towards what was hip some time ago. The term has led to retro-chic , or retro-hip, that trendy pursuit of all things nostalgic: it's why flares and Parkas come and go in and out of fashion, and why whatever you're wearing today, however unkempt, will someday be the sharpest style statement imaginable. Although not, possibly, with that brown stain you've left down the front . . .

SUBSTAIN v. To move back to the land, towards more locally-governed, self-sufficient units of society. A small-is-beautiful version of sustainability, which our road-protest friend Swampy explains will lead to a land "where rustic communities look after themselves, governing themselves, growing their own food".

TIME DEBT n. The new burden on well-to-do careerist parents: they may have the cash to finance the lifestyle, but are increasingly cutting out quality time with the kids. This debt is the one that hurts.

TORONTO BLESSING n. Among evangelical Christians, this is the fashionable mass prayer experience that, as a frantic dance-step, is to the 1990s what the Birdie Song was to the 1980s. Like the latter it can make you ill - but is it all just mass hysterics, as the Dean of Worcester claims?

WASM n. An -ism that no longer is. It's the term coined by the Economist for all those dead ideologies - from communism to Gaullism and socialism - that we've had to learn to abandon in the nineties.

Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 11 - Jargon and euphemism

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 11: JARGON AND EUPHEMISM


How to avoid saying what you mean

ACCIDENT n. A word which no longer exists, according to America's national Highway Safety Administration. "Continuation of the use of this word, in lieu of 'crash', works against a public perception of the preventability of injuries and fatalities in the highway environment," according to a memo from its boss. So, very deliberately, accidents will officially no longer happen.

AERODYNAMIC PERSONNEL DECELERATOR n. A parachute, in the latest example of US military gobbledegook. Also beware a vertically deployed anti-personnel device, which might just look like a bomb.

AID-IN-DYING n. One of the new euphemisms for euthanasia, a term far too politically loaded to be used in its own right. Some proponents have been using more elaborate circumlocutions: favourite ones lately include physician-assisted death, and even end-of-life decision-making.

AMBIENT REPLENISHMENT OPPORTUNITY n. A shelf-stacking job - as advertised on the noticeboard at Safeways in Stockport. The most absurdly over-euphemised job title of the decade?

BINOCULAR DEPRIVATION n. euph. How scientists who perform experiments on animals neatly euphemise the sewing closed of cats' eyes, as described in a Wisconsin journal. Vivisection is an emotional issue, and so language has to be designed to hide that. That's why, in the scientists' discourse, animlas are not burned, but "sustain a thermal injury"; and animals given electric shocks, which cry out and try to escape, are (according to the journal Physiology and Behaviour, "react(ing) to adverse stimulation with vigorous motor and vocal response".

BLAM n. acr. The Barrel-Launched Adaptive Munition, a newly developed "smart" bullet that can pursue its target in various directions. A fundamental development: for the military-industrial-jargonisation complex has finally come up with an acronym that's fun.

BUDGET REINFORCEMENT n. Tax. A useful political euphemism, coined by the Swedish finance ministry, which recently announced big cuts in spending and big rises in taxes. Sorry, in budget reinforcements.

CARE, SPECTRUM OF v. What replaced care in the community for mentally ill people as John Major's government realised that programme wasn't proving too popular. So his Health Secretary, Stephen Dorrell, decided radically to change his phrase, sorry, his policy.

CLINICAL OUTCOME INDICATOR n. Your chance of dying in the new, market-led, jargon-heavy National Health Service. It's the term managers use when referring to the numbers of deaths in each hospital. This might hurt a little . . .

CONCERNED WITH THE DRINKS INDUSTRY adj. euph. Drunk. A euphemism invented when the MP George Foulkes was found with a rather high level of alcohol in his blood. Don't call him drunk, implored his lawyer, Stephen Pollard; it was merely that his client was attending a whisky party "as befits an MP concerned with the blending industry". Let's increase our concern with the whisky industry to that, as they say.

DESIGN SIDE EFFECT n. euph. What Bill Gates' technogeeks at Microsoft are allowed to call a defect in company products. Also officially tolerated are the euphemisms that describe systems failures as issues , known issues or intermittent issues, and even as undocumented behaviour. Absolutely not permitted is the word bug, a term a spokesman claims is too "complex" for the company's official language. The company's addiction to euphemism has created a new language called Microspeak, says the New York Times - which may bug a few people in Seattle.

DISINTERMEDIATION n. The decade's ugliest new word: it is an Internet term for the removal of middlemen from an electronic transaction. Without getting tedious, it involves an extranet, a linked network of computers shared between customers and suppliers. Uh-oh, we just got tedious.

DOWNSIZING v. This euphemism does not just mean throwing employees out of work - it also now means throwing Rolos out of packets. It's the current trend towards quietly reducing the size of your chocolate bars. That way they don't seem to be getting more expensive.

EMERGENCY DEPLOYMENT AND READINESS EXERCISE n. mil. A military attack - at least, that's the phrase the US Army used to justify the night-time invasion of Panama that gave General Noriega the chance to listen to a few heavy-metal hits (just a mop-up and stability operation, in the Pentagon's poetic words). That was also the invasion that popularised the timeless phrase, collateral damage. In other words, 400 civilian deaths.

ENABLER n. The hierarchically-challenged person's new role in these post-PC times. A teacher, rather than actively shape students' learning, will enable them to fulfil their potential; museum curators are now enablers who would not dare impart their own impressions to the visitor. And what you are reading now is not a definition, but an enabling mechanism to help you decide what this jargon means.

ENERGY n. euph. As in British Energy - a friendly, safe-sounding concept that appears at first glance to have nothing whatsoever to do with the nuclear industry. Ignore the fact that the phrase "British Energy" might be a replacement term for British Nuclear Fuels: that sort of language has too many bad undertones (remember Windscale?).

ENTERPRISE (WITHOUT HELP) v. tr. What used to be the verb "to leak". That was until the copier company Xerox explained that the untimely appearance of its new digital publishing strategy in the international press was not a leak. It was "enterprised without our help".

EXPERIENCED adj. Second-hand. Stooz Records in New York has been advertising that it stocks "experienced vinyl" - meanwhile a Wisconsin farming newspaper has listed for sale "experienced tractors and combines". Worked it out yet? Yes, more euphemisms for second-hand. See also pre-loved.

FISCAL UNDERACHIEVER n. A poor person, in economists' current jargon. The Plain English people have their eyes on other modern gems, from the hexiform rotatable surface compression unit (a steel nut), to the wooden interdental stimulators that American Airlines passengers are given to pick food from between their teeth, and the customer conveyance mobile lounge. That, of course, is an airport lounge. And, with that, we end this computer-generated verbal conglomeration communications module.

HEADROOM n. What water companies choose to call profits when more direct language might prove embarrassing. The word surfaced before the National Consumer Council reported that domestic bills have in fact risen by 67 per cent since 1989.

HRP n. euph. What used to be called a body bag, until the Pentagon decided that made it sound as if there were actual dead bodies within them. So when Saddam started causing US troops some trouble in Kuwait, it renamed them human remains pouches (as if pouches are just another extension of a soldier's kit), and encouraged the media to use the far less emotive shorthand of HRPs. Human remains are somewhat more difficult, but expect any time now a Pentagon clarification that pouches will henceforth contain surplus operations theatre apparatus...

IMMEDIATE PERMANENT INCAPACITATION n. Another classic from the US Army. This is what the Pentagon warns its soldiers may result from a whiff of nerve gas - that's death to you and me.

INCIDENT n. euph. The transport industry's favourite euphemism. Depending on where you are, it means an Underground train delayed by a pigeon, or a Channel Tunnel train set alight while deep underground. The latter proved a perfect occasion for those who invent euphemisms for a living - and here we celebrate Eurotunnel co-chairman Robert Malpas, who denied when there was a fire on a cross-Channel train that the safety mechanisms had not worked. "I wouldn't say they don't seem to have worked," he told the BBC. "They don't seem to have been applied at the time in the way one might have expected." Clear?

INTER-ENTITY BOUNDARY n. euph. A euphemism the warring parties in former Yugoslavia signed up to - because the folk who drafted the Dayton Agreement could not bring themselves to use that delicate word partition.

INTERGRANULAR STRESS-CORROSION CRACKING n. A harmless-sounding euphemism for something that went wrong in a tube in Oregon, US, and caused a small, er, leak. What kind of tube? Ah. You'll have to ask the Trojan Nuclear Plant for the full details.

LIFE n. An emergent property which manifests itself when physio-chemical systems are organised and interact in particular ways. At least, that's the definition the Archbishop of York, John Habgood, gave at an august conference held by the British Association. Who said the Church is out of touch with the real world?

MEDICAL NURSING STAFF n. The less embarrassing way to refer to NHS managers - as the Government has decided there are too many of them. Again, the solution is ingenious: simply change their "occupation codings".

MILITARY OPERATION n. euph. Whatever Boris Yeltsin wants it to mean. When a Russian commander recently reported clashes in five Chechen villages, Mr Yeltsin insisted that "no military operations had been carried out". So that means the clashes couldn't have happened. All clear?

MISSIONARY TO THE PRE-BORN n. The job-description of the hip anti-abortion, pro-life activist. Currently euphemising the issue wherever abortion politics are getting ugly.

MORPHOGENIC FIELD n. The basis of a new scientific theory, linked, of course, to the quantum gravitational field, which - as you will know - confirms the psychoanalytic theories of Jacques Lacan. At least, you will know all this if you have read a recent edition of the cultural-studies journal Social Text, which printed a long paper on it by New York physicist Alan Sokal, full of words like counterhegemonic and transformative hermeneutics. And if that all sounds like a hoax, it was - designed by Sokal to parody the jargon of lit crit, and one which made a laughing stock of the cultural-studies experts who hadn't seemed to notice.

NBC SUIT n. euph. Yet another classic Pentagon euphemism. It might sound like something worn as a guest on an entertaining TV network; it's actually clothing worn in a nuclear, biological and chemical attack. Gee, guys, makes Saddam's threats sound like a fun-loving game show.

NEGATIVE GROSS PROFITn. Loss - as euphemised by Calgene, a genetics company, in a quarterly financial report. That way, shareholders might not be too distressed . . .

NEGATIVELY IMPACTED PROFITABILITY n. A similar euphemism, again designed to hide from shareholders the fact that not all is not necessarily well. This is what Ross Buckland, chief executive of the Unigate group, told shareholders had resulted from one of the company's less successful activities. Could he, by any chance, mean a "loss"?

NON-HEART-BEATING DONOR n. That euphemistic state of health recently described in the British Medical Journal for its heavily jargon-sedated subscribers. Also known as "dead". Why won't anyone call a corpse a corpse any more?

NUCLEAR LEVY n. The tax in your electriticy bill that Michael Heseltine promised would disappear come nuclear privatisation. Except it didn't. So Heseltine explained using the semantics of the euphemiser: "The nuclear element of the levy will cease," he said. "The continuing charge will be to make up arrears." So a levy remained a levy.

PASSENGER FACILITY CHARGE euph. What the city of Austin, Texas, calls the sum of $3 it now demands from every passenger flying through its airport. It would be far too unpopular to call it a tax. Likewise, the state of Minnesota has at a pinch abolished its state unemployment tax. According to the state's Department of Revenue handbook, it now collects a re-employment insurance tax. It's the same tax, but suddenly it's constructive, regenerative, and, well, euphemised.

PRE-DAWN VERTICAL INSERTION n. euph. An airborne invasion of a foreign state - as coined by the US Pentagon when it dropped soldiers into Grenada. No, vicar, nothing to do with that sort of thing.

PRE-ENJOYED adj. euph. Second-hand - one of a collection of recent euphemisms to have emerged. As in the computer advertisement placed by a company called Mad Macs, "where the pre-enjoyed Macs are . . .".

PRE-NEED COUNSELOR (sic) n. Someone who helps you prepare for slumber in eternal repose. A funeral director, in the current jargon.

PREVIOUSLY CARED FOR adj. Another synonym for pre-loved, pre-used, pre-owned or pre-enjoyed: This one was used by a Covent Garden shop to describe second-hand jeans. Presumably these are what one wears while sitting in the pre-driven Cadillacs now for sale across the Atlantic.

REAL-TIME PRECIPITATION SITUATION n. euph. Rain; just as a re-utilisation marketing yard is a junkyard. Both terms are current examples of verbal hyperbole superfluous intrapositioning syndrome, that tendency to invent important-sounding phrases for the most banal aspects of life.

RECEIVE CONTRIBUTIONS v. To sell - at least if you're portraying yourself as a charitable non-capitalist. At the UN Population Conference, the designer headscarves that were on display next to the cash register were not actually for sale. "We don't like to use the word sell," euphemised the elegant vendor. "People make 'voluntary contributions' (ie $30 a scarf)."

RETAIL INSTALLATION n. A shop. It's the current euphemism in places like London's Soho, where entrepreneurs believe themselves to be too trendy merely to encourge shopping.

SIDEWALK COUNSELLING v. How the American anti-abortion lobby now describes its demonstrations outside abortion clinics - intended to "counsel" women to change their minds. As demonstrators' counselling skills stretch to screaming, threatening and intimidating, we can safely assume this is a euphemism.

SITE n. A hospital with no patients. You see, the Health Department has ordered civil servants to "nuance" the closure of hospitals. They must refer to the "closure of 'most of the Bart's site' rather than to the hospital". Feel better?

TACTICALLY ADVANTAGEOUS SITUATION n. What the Bosnian Serbs gained on the hills around Sarajevo during the fighting to controlthe city, according to Cdr Barry Frewer of the UN Protection Force there. Not, you understand, an actual siege. Such language might slow down the diplomatic peace process . . .

TASK COMPLETION WISHFUL THINKING SYNDROME n. jarg. A form of behaviour discovered after five years of research by Dr Dale Griffin of Sussex University. In non-academic language, it means that projects tend to take longer than you expect.

TOY SOLDIER n. euph. A jolly euphemism from the former Yugoslavia used to describe the landmines that are killing and maiming indiscriminately. It was described by the American Dialect Society as the year's "most outrageous new word". The society also had some fun with urban camping - the practice of living in a city as homeless - and food insecure, the term for a nation where starvation is rife.

VOLUNTARY LABOUR n. euph. What the good people of Burma - or Myanmar, as the military regime ruling that country would prefer to have it called - contributed to Visit Myanmar Year. Forget the presence of the odd persuasive rifle in their vicinity; all those workers who were busy building tourist attractions around the country were "contributing their voluntary labour happily", according to the generals' Law and Order Restoration Council.

WELCOME STATION n. euph. A toll booth, according to the powers that be in Salt Lake City, Utah. City hall obviously thinks visitors will come away thinking they've been greeted with open arms when asked to pay $2.25 for the privilege of passing through. Can anyone out-euphemise the Americans?

WET DEPOSITION n. euph. A harmless-sounding euphemism for acid rain - the term employed by the US Environmental Protection Agency. Presumably it offends fewer political sensibilities by making serious pollution sound as gently soothing as a steamed-up window.

WILDLIFE CONSERVATION PARK n. What used to be called a "zoo", a term now considered by the New York Zoological Society to be offensive to animals. It is, after all, defined in dictionaries as "a place marked by rampant confusion and disorder". So the Bronx Zoo is now the Bronx International Wildlife Conservation Park.

Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 10 - Sport and leisure

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 10: SPORT AND LEISURE


The spare-time stuff, from skateboarding to new music

BONGO n. A head injury, in UK skateboarders' slang. That's not all: a swellbow is a swollen elbow, a woodrash an injury from riding a wooden ramp, and a light graze a raspberry (because it looks like one). And if it's big, the graze is a pizza or a Big Mac - as it resembles hamburger relish. The slang may even be more entertaining than the skating.

FUSILATELIST n. A collector of that fashionable new icon, the other type of valuable plastic card you keep in your wallet. Phonecard? That'll do nicely, especially if you're among the estimated 10,000 to 15,000 British collectors who have paid up to £3,000 for the things. See also telegerist, below.

GACK v. Another colourful term used by British skateboarders. This one means to smoke. They also call a nerd a dwid, a weak skater moulded, and a young hanger-on a grommit.

HARDBAG adj. That section of a record shop where the musical style "handbag" house (house for more mainstream people, ie the sort that dance around handbags) meets "hardcore". Not a Eurovision favourite.

HERBAL HIGH n. A leisure drug, sold as a legal alternative to ecstasy and cannabis, that has belatedly come to the attention of government ministers. So they're banning them.

KEY adj. Our final homage to skateboarding. This is what London skateboarders call a cool move - what used to be known as rad or rip. Likewise, an uncool move - or excessive boasting about your cool move - is definitely unkey, or, one stage worse, monkey.

LEISURE BOX n. The latest "entertainment experience" investors believe will attract our disposable income in future years: the units (that's you and me) go there to watch a film, buy fast-food, maybe even dance. On the edge of a town near you. It is also known as a leisure canape - because you pick and choose little nuggests of entertainment, rather than a single main-course dish for the evening.

MEGAPLEX n. A multiplex with a superiority complex: this is a cinema complex with at least 18 screens, and they're coming to Stockholm, Barcelona and Madrid by the millennium.

REVIRGINIZATION n. The process by which professional ice skaters were declared "amateurs" so that they could compete in the 1994 Olympic Games. But why stop there? We still lack a term for the growth in celibacy among the Aids-terrified generation . . .

ROLLER-RAGER n. A participant in the latest urban sport: bombing through city parks on speeding in-line skates. First spotted in an anguished Times letter, and no doubt related to road rage, another mobile nineties obsession.

SHREDHEAD n. A keen follower of the booming macho sport of ski-boarding, currently spreading across the world's ski resorts. The trouble is, skiers keep getting in the way - hence a new concern to establish a shrediquette that sets out the rights-of-way rules.

SKITCH v., n. The increasingly popular urban sport of holding on to a moving vehicle while wearing in-line skates. Advantages: bus fare not required, plus radically reduced journey time. Disadvantages: er, radically reduced lifespan . . .

TECHSTIVAL n. An unofficial free party where your ears are liable to be troubled by techno music. Overheard at a recent techno-music festival put on by Tribal Gathering.

TELEGERIST n. A competitor to fusilatelist. If our culture has deemed to make telephone-card collecting such a valued pastime, then presumably we should allow our language to evolve a few words for such a collector. Though what was wrong with 10p pieces . . . ?

TOMBSTONE v. To play the latest tough sport for those who think that bungee-jumping is for softies. You jump off cliffs into the sea from ever-higher points. It's big in places like Brixham. Take some spare legs.

WILDER v. int. The new weekend hobby for urban cocooners who dream of going rural. Wildering involves taking four-wheel drives to Sainsbury's and wearing country plaids for your trip on the Tube train.

Read more!

A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 9 - Business and finance

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 9: BUSINESS AND FINANCE


How money talks

AUDIT n. What used to be called a quick check, but much more expensive. It started with the process that financial accounts underwent; but now every business feels the need to hire expensive consultants to perform environmental audits, transparency audits, stress audits and, no doubt, toilet-paper-in-the-mens'-room audits. There, that definitional audit will be £25,000, please.

BIMBO n. No longer merely the airhead who dogs politicians' lives; now also part of the respectable jargon of business. Remember the eighties trend for management buy-outs (in which a company's directors buy up the stock) and buy-ins (in which outsiders gain control)? More and more companies are now going half-way, so a bimbo is the middle ground between buy-in and buy-out.

BLUE POUND n. The part of the economy generated by pornography. Not to be confused with the pink pound (qv).

BOXSHIFTER n. A pile-em-high, sell-em-quick retailer, particularly in the computer sector. As in: "We can't honour your warranty, sir, we're just a boxshifter."

BUSINESS BONDAGE n. The means by which a company ensures that staff are unable, through contractual reasons, to leave for a better job. This is typically achieved by attaching golden handcuffs to their employment contract: a financial incentive that they will lose if they leave.

CASH OPERATION PROFIT n. euph. A massive financial loss. At least, that's how Sir Alastair Morton, co-chairman of Eurotunnel, described his company's £925 million loss a couple of years ago. The figure, he said, actually represented the success story of having "reached a cash operation profit"'. And so we give our fullest congratulations for this startling achievement.

CORRECTION n. What the US stock market recently underwent, when a sudden 7.1 per cent price fall produced excessive sweat under the executive collar. Business journalists did not dare use such emotive words as crash or plunge ; instead they discussed the correction, disruption, and volatility. Far less costly.

DEAD MOUSE BOUNCE sl. Originally there was the dead cat bounce , City slang for the tendency of shares to do what a cat does when thrown out of a high window: fall until it hits the bottom, and then bounce up just a bit before falling back again. This variation was the way a French city trader described the movement of EuroDisney shares, at a time when they sank and then suddenly rose spectacularly. Investors ditched their shares but then scrambled to buy them back again: proving that chez Donald et Mickey was not quite a dead duck.

DIGITAL HYGIENE n. jarg. We're not exactly sure what this one means, but we do know that the London Stock Exchange has warned dealers that "good digital hygiene" is the way to minimise the risk of a "viral invasion". It might involve ensuring their PCs have filters against computer viruses; or we might have completely misunderstood, in which case please re-file this under the Health chapter . . .

EMPOWER v. What every nineties manager claims to be doing to the staff. It generally involves telling everyone in the office that they ought to be using the word empowered a great deal, and does not, of course, involve giving them any power.

EXPOSURE n. A company's possible loss of an unbelievably large sum of money - a recession-generated euphemism to make it easier to break the news to the shareholders (as in "Barclays Bank, Rosehaugh's main creditor with an exposure of £75 million, will announce the appointment of a receiver today . . ."). Plenty more such phrases, no doubt, to follow.

GREENSCAM v. To establish a supposedly grassroots environmental movement that actually represents commercial interests. They have names such as the American Environmental Foundation (a Florida organisation that defends property rights) and the Global Climate Coalition (commercial interests that seek to avoid laws that would cut global warming).

HARDNOSE (THROUGH) v. What British bosses must do when they're paid unfathomable amounts of money, according to Howard Davies, former chief of the CBI.

HOLD v. euph. A City term which means sell, except sell has the negative connotation that a stock is unwanted. So in 1993 a number of market analysts decided they would overcome this awkwardness and officially say they were "holding" stocks when previously they had talked of "selling" them. Then, once the masses got wind of what they were doing, they started talking about a "strong hold". Finally they decide that, regarding dodgy shares, they would be "aggressively neutral". Not a comfortable position to hold.

HORSEBLANKET n., jarg. In the jargon of management consultancy, this seems to mean "an overall strategic plan for business revitalisation, shown on one large diagram (about the size of a horseblanket)". That's how Gemini Consulting put it - and why should we argue with fluff so meaningless that it won them the Financial Times's Business Jargon Competition?

HOTEL v. To rent out a building for very short periods in the absence of a long-term tenant. NatWest Bank, for instance, sees hotelling as a neat way of filling up its London tower, letting out parts of it for as little as a month at a time. Breakfast not included.

HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER n. What used to be called a personnel officer, before the nineties company decided that humans should be thought of as just another resource, along with PCs, paperclips and post-rooms. The management of human resources, naturally enough, may lead to delayering, delevelling, de-jobbing, etc. (qv).

INTEREST-RATE HOLIDAY n. euph. A rather sunny-sounding solution for an acute financial crisis. It's what Eurotunnel went on when it found it rather difficult to repay its £8 billion debt; ie the banks let it off the hook for a while. But this was no fortnight's delight; it was expected to last 18 months.

INTRAPRENEUR n. Business types who direct their enterprise from within existing firms, rather than start their own. Psychologists say they're less in need of proving themselves than entrepreneurs, though they're still only happy when they've got to the top.

IRISHISEv. To re-invent a business (especially a pub) with an Irish or mock-Irish theme. Spot them by the leprechauns in the window display, the O-apostrophe attached in front of the old name, and the loud protests from local residents.

PHANTOM SHARE n. For the top boss who has everything. These shares don't actually exist, but the boss is rewarded as if they did. So with no time wasted buying and selling, executives are free to ponder issues of social justice.

RECEIVABLES n. pl. Money owed to a business for a product or service it has supplied. Until it is paid the cash flow suffers. It's not quite a bad debt, but until it comes in it's not an asset either.

REDENOMINATION n. econ. The lopping-off of a few zeros from your currency to try to make people forget how weak it is. Russia did it on December 31 1997, when the rouble ws trading at about 6,000 to the dollar. Redenomination instantly turned the rate to 6 to the dollar. Of course, the rouble in your pocket has not been devalued - well, apart from the loss of three noughts . . .

SUNRISE INDUSTRY n. The type of manufacturing business which is on the up: it generally makes electronic components, robots, silicon chips, or other high-tech goods on which the economic sun is increasingly shining. Named in contrast to the sunset industries of the seventies and eighties, from coal to