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Tuesday, January 20, 1998

The Guardian: The boom in one-person households

Analysis: Home alone. Welcome to the new world of single-person households. Macaulay Culkin might not be typical - a pensioner or divorcee would be more representative - but he does herald the demographic and cultural shift away from the Smug Marrieds. He's lucky: he has a home. With five million more needed, opportunities are knocking. By David Rowan

HERE'S a surefire investment tip for anyone with cash to tie up for the next two decades or so. Go big on dating agencies, pizza-delivery outfits and home-security consultants. Buy heavily into nursing-supply agencies, cappuccino bars and companies that manufacture half-sized dishwashers. For a social revolution is underway, and - as with all revolutions - there are going to be winners as well as losers.

The main loser, according to various pressure groups now lobbying John Prescott's super-ministry, is likely to be the rural landscape of England, most notably the green belt. The winners will be those who foresee the opportunities offered by demand for five or so million new homes by the year 2016: property developers, retailers, service-providers and entrepreneurs. For Britain (or mostly, England) is rapidly moving towards being a nation of singletons - people who, through choice, misfortune or simple longevity, find themselves living alone.

In 1971, only 18 per cent of households in England were one-person households. By 1991 this had risen to just over a quarter; yet by 2016, the Government predicts, the tally will have risen to some 36 per cent(1). Pause to digest that figure of 36 per cent: it means that approaching four out of 10 of England's 24 million projected homes will be occupied by just one person. And at present, we do not have anywhere near the number of homes needed for them.

The Government says that 4.4 million new homes will be needed by 2016. Yesterday, as speculation grew that the figure would soon be raised to 5.5 million, John Prescott, the Deputy Prime Minister, said that the matter was being revised. He dismissed as alarmist warnings that the new homes would cut into the green belt, and promised a Commons statement by Easter. But the issue will not rest until then. Tomorrow, a cross-party group of MPs and peers will meet at the Commons to provoke a national debate on the subject. The issue, according to the Labour backbencher Paddy Tipping, is a 'timebomb about to explode' in the face of rural England.

The revolution may signify a demographic and cultural shift away from the Smug Marrieds, but it is not simply a move towards the Bridget Joneses. For all the colour-supplement spreads locating the new singleton's home in a Clerkenwell loft, and her concerns as the conquest of a sexual mate and the loss of calories, the trend has a rather more complex origin. About half of these new single-person households will be over pensionable age. Many more will be a consequence of our high divorce rate: there were 155,310 decrees absolute granted in England and Wales in 1996, compared with 45,036 thirty years ago(2). We are also marrying later, and more of us are leaving home to go to university, where we develop the habit of living away from our parents.

Beside all this, demographic changes mean more twenty-somethings are forecast for the second decade of the new century. Yet for all the publicity given of late to the new economic power of single young women, perhaps most interesting is the rise in the number of male single-person households. 'From 1971 to 2016, the number of male one-person households has grown from 3 per cent to 13 per cent of total households,' explains Justin Worsley, senior consultant at The Henley Centre, the consumer consultancy. 'Plenty more 20- and 30-something men are living on their own, as the average age of marriage (now 28.6) keeps rising. What's driving them largely is an increase in disposable income, and an increase in mobility as they change jobs. Plus more go away to college, and get the habit of living away from home.'

The English county councils have already made detailed plans for new housing needs over the next two decades, based on government projections for the growth in urban spread. The Planning Minister, Richard Caborn, announced recently that half the new homes will be built on 'brownfield' sites that had already housed some development, and half on new rural sites. From Avon (where 44,500 new houses are planned) to Wiltshire (expecting 65,000), the counties' plans have led groups such as the Council for the Protection of Rural England to fear for the future of the green belt.

Professor Peter Hall, chairman of the Town and Country Planning Association and Bartlett Professor of Planning at University College, London, believes that 'the threat to the green belt has been exaggerated, just because a controversial development near Stevenage happens to be on green-belt land. For the most part, green belt will remain sacrosanct.' He does, however, worry that even the Government's own prediction of new housing need will prove too low. 'The 4.4 million was an underestimate: you could be talking of a million more, quite apart from the demographic shift we're reliably told is forcing the Government to raise its projections. It didn't include any allowance for the backlog that built up in the 1980s, especially in social housing, and it didn't take in the obsolescence of our housing stock - the Victorian houses wearing out in northern textile towns, the tackier end of the 1920s and 30s houses along east London bypasses, the residual 1960s stuff that has a short shelf life.'

Yet this does not mean that developers, geared towards the most profitable opportunities, should be left to decide what to build. Hall points to the distinct groups making up the new demand among single households. 'The three groups - younger people; the divorced and separated; and older people outliving their partners - have very different housing, lifestyle and consumption needs. Young people might like to live next to the wine bar, but the divorced usually have kids and will want space for their visiting times; and older people will tend to stay living where they were living as long as they can.' His recommendation is that local and central government should open a new round of strategic planning, and quickly. 'Developers like to make money, but we need a proper planning framework to make sure they go in the right place.'

Certainly, it would be wrong to overestimate the number of prospective new buyers who will want to buy property on the reclaimed rural landscape. Paul Rickard, head of research at market analysts Mintel, warns: 'Being single for some people is a lifestyle statement: I don't see such people wanting to live in Milton Keynes-type greenfield sites. And many of the new households will be people downsizing after, say, a divorce; these people are accustomed to urban or suburban homes, and I'd quibble how far they'd be prepared to sever these links and move to a rural site. Builders could be missing their targets.'

Others, too, stress that rural may not necessarily be where the demand is. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation, which publishes research into such demographic changes, has put its money where its mouth is: it has invested in what it calls 'Caspars' - an acronym for city-centre apartments for single people at affordable rents. 'There's likely to be a demand for city-centre apartments for rent by the young, relatively mobile, and by not-quite-so-young divorcees and never-married single people,' explains the foundation's director, Richard Best. 'We've decided to build a couple of these as we believe the market is there. They're also likely to make a difference to the liveliness and economic well-being of city centres.'

FOR those also considering entering the market, hurry: the revolution is happening already. 'Within five years we're going to see another million households in the UK, the bulk of them occupied by single people,' according to Paul Rickard. This will create opportunities for far more than property itself. Take consumer spending. 'If you're on your own, you do not need to compromise: people will be more headstrong about doing what turns them on, and taking that two-week trekking holiday in the Pyrenees, which a partner might never allow. Then there are mortgage products which will need to be rethought; and there's potentially an opportunity for manufacturers of appliances and durables to suit the smaller household.'

Single people who live alone, and are below retirement age, spend about Pounds190 a week on average, compared with Pounds170 for those in two-adult households(3). They spend Pounds7 a week on eating and drinking out, compared with Pounds6.50 for those in two-adult homes; they also tend to be more promiscuous grocery shoppers. This is where the bright investor will find new opportunities. 'For most blokes in particular, one person is not enough to cook for - so there will be a significant increase in takeaway food and ready meals,' according to Justin Worsley, at the Henley Centre. 'There will also be growth in white goods, such as kettles, toasters and TVs, which are bought per household not per person.

'People will also be using out-of-house activities more for socialising. Restaurants, pubs and cinemas will be their social base, especially as the entry costs for a nice restaurant tumble down in relation to a fast-food joint; already you can eat at Cafe Rouge for Pounds10 a head. One thing you'll see is a growth in suburban coffee bars, moving from the inner city.'

Already there is evidence of a trend towards pubs domesticating themselves, with sofas and homely designs. This will continue, says Justin Worsley. But if he were investing his own windfall? 'I'd be looking for leisure canapes . . . Rather than conventional restaurants you go to for three hours' entertainment, these are places where you can spend the same amount of time dipping in and out of food courts, bowling alleys, video games, even evening classes.' Your financial adviser may wish to nuance some of these tips. But in 20 years, don't say you weren't pointed in the right direction.

David Rowan is editor of the Analysis page.

(The Guardian, January 20 1998)

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Thursday, January 01, 1998

A Glossary for the Nineties: Miscellaneous chapter dividers

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

MISCELLANEOUS CHAPTER DIVIDERS:


Emoticons: the new non-verbal language

One vividly expressive form of communication has prospered in the nineties - and it involves no words, no sounds and no face-to-face contact. All it amounts to, in fact, is a short series of keystrokes that puts a squiggle or two on to your computer screen. But boy, the complexity of emotion that those squiggles can convey.

They are called emoticons, or smileys, and they are used to send messages through electronic mail. They work on the basis that many of the symbols on the keyboard could, with a certain degree of imaginative licence, be said to resemble facial expressions. If you turn your face to the left, the punctuation marks :-) read together could be said to resemble a smiley face - and hence signalling that you're happy. Change the colon to a semi-colon, and the resulting ;-) could be seen as the same face winking, suggesting that you're feeling lascivious. But that's just the start.

In practice, little day-to-day cyber-communication involves much more than those two basic smileys, plus the frowney face :-( that says you are feeling sad or angry, or this variation :-/ which indicates that you are being wry. Yet the creative community that inhabits cyberspace has continued to have fun developing ever more specific emoticons to represent all kinds of mood and physical state. Here are just a selection, culled from various Websites, and in no particularl order. Who said computers would kill the finer communicative arts?

(-: I'm left-handed and happy
>:-> I'm feeling devilish
@:-) I'm wearing a turban
(:-( I'm very unhappy
C=:-) I'm a chef
:-# My lips are sealed
[:-) I'm wearing a Walkman
:-* A kiss
{(:-) I'm wearing a toupee
}(:-( I'm wearing a toupee in the wind
:-i I'm half-smiling
:-> I'm being sarcastic
:-d Said with a smile
:-V I'm shouting
:-3 I have a handlebar moustache
;-( I'm crying
%-) I've been staring at a screen for 12 hours
:-& I'm tonguetied
{:-) I have a centre parting
8:-) I'm a little girl
:-)8< I'm a big girl
:-0 I'm talkative
+:-) I'm a priest
:%)% I've got acne
=:-) I'm a punk
:-(*) That remark made me sick
:-o I'm shocked
:-? I smoke a pipe
:-Q~ I smoke cigarettes
:-}X I'm wearing a bow tie
:---) You're lying and your nose is getting bigger
B-) I wear glasses
[:|] I'm a robot
=):-) Uncle Sam
=|:-)= Abraham Lincoln
+O:-) The Pope
@}--->----- A rose
:p~~~ I'm poking my toungue out at you and blowing you a raspberry



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How rich is the nineties vocabulary?

If you ever wanted proof that English is the world's richest language, you need only consider the poetry and diversity of the slang terms people give to the simplest of objects. Take the humble condom, an item that Aids has made central to nineties culture, but which would not, you might have thought, have had much linguistic significance. Not at all. In polite company people might wince at discussing these latex receptacles, but in smaller circles they have been busy creating hundreds of colourful synonyms to make life that much more interesting. Across the English-speaking world, new slang terms have evolved quicker than a premature orgasm - and now some wise people on the Internet have decided to collect a bunch of them together. Their site, The Sheath File, is a remarkable place where contributors have confided their own slang terms for what was once simply the johnny. Here is a selection of some of the best.



Heaven's gate; rascal wrapper; Papal robe; child-proof lid; wienerhosen; Wild Willy's worm puppet; gauntlet; Freudian slip; Mr Happy's business suit; wham-bam dam; Jimmy the sleek; Egyptian prescription; one-eyed Willie's eye patch; Mount Hood; schlong shed; vice grip; holds the mayo; Luger locker; Jimi hindrance; hatch catcher; cape horn; spooge scrooge; Johnson control; stinky slinky; nail polish; spanky hanky; pole vault; banger hanger; cheesepipe clingfilm; spoo keeper; parenthood tuition abolition; separate-us apparatus; Dick C Cup; hip boot; stiffie stocking; Lone Ranger's mask; thighmaster; stopcock; ribbed cage; surge protector; rubber policeman; interruptable power supply; popper stopper; pigpen; head gasket; love shackle; pole lock; peckerwouldn't; feltcher squelcher; purple warrior armour; ferret sock; Coney Island whitefish; no overflowed choad load sowed; indicktment; Don Johnson; hickory dickory dock; peterfied cast; milk miser; wrinkle chapeau; wetness protection program; nub pneumatic; Great Barrier sheath; driving glove; bobby sock; wilderness permit; seed sack; conception rejections; waste basket; 'giner liner; muff buffer; bopper stopper; love glove; jump suit; mister twister; stuffer stocking; gift wrap; Little Red Riding hood; rumpled stiltskin; eruption interruption; nard guard; torpedo tube; foetus filter; weiner fits-all; life saver; wong thong; ball blinder; groin cloth; lamb gut nut hut; corn husk; clam dam; poon balloon; Woody's wetsuit; geyser cork; package protector; sperminal terminal; dong depot; detour; stop sign; picket line; cock cloak; Bismarck barrier; penis shroud; scabbard; horse hanger; gent tent; probe robe; banister canister; party favour; peter pouch; rod rind; burrito poncho; root celler; protein packet; crash helmet; banana peel; sheath; dong sarong; willy wrap; third leg trouser; membrane; canyon slicker; masthead; peanut shell; pen top; pillar pullover; passion-fruit cup; shaft graft; propellant repellant; pricknic basket; uterus excluderous; snatch hatch; shower curtain; cum dumpster; weasel den; sneeze guard; ribbed crib robber; sling shot; bull pen; meat sack; potato skin; dick bra; seat belt; shank tank; the pole barn; thriller chiller; cock-a-doodle-don't; jack hat; pork barrel; slip n' slide slip inside; yellow submarine; cum drum; jack in the box; Major Woody's uniform; turkey-neck tourniquet; haute couture; pipe cleaner; tarp; shrink wrap; wand wallet; bang bottle; chicken chariot; noodle nylon; member muzzle; jock jacket; male box; valve cover; seed sack; sugar cone; eel envelope; depends defender; dunce cap; pig blanket; love capsule; pump sump; John Thomas overcoat; trunk bark; boner bucket; goose noose; hefty sack; hot juice balloon; sperm breaker; cream collector; slip cover; hard hat; pork cork; giz dam; cock frock; DNA dashiki; squirt shirt; ejaculation station; crank tank; missile silo; head shed; peter parka; pregnot; pressure cooker; pickle jar; cum cathador; stuff sack; spunk trunk; bullet bag; ink well; chromosome dome; wiener receptical; dog house; chicken coop; rail pail; scum bag; Johnson Wax; wacker laquer; cum catcher; head veil; rubber; fence; hard again cardigan; vein vale; pin cushion; restrictive headgear; weenie beanie; one-eyed beret; flesh flute boot; load-bearing pud stud; sperm dam; dick dike; lover cover; swell casing; she squealed shield; he stick hindrance; rod retardant; boner binder; beanie my cecil; mister log's sex hat; spunk spittoon; throbben hood; she shell; piecekeeper; paternaway; giz fizzler; rally cap; soap dish; bone blanket; batting glove; pony stable; cloak for dagger; nub cap; French letter; man cream screen; nookie nook; Siemon Block; jock lock; non-breeder's cup; emergency brake; clap cap; dork cork; safety nut; dust cover; parachute; jack rack; salami skin; sleeve; pudding packet; pud pod; snakeskin; glove; cocking stocking; sperm bag; sausage casing; stick suit; snatch guard; insecurity blanket; hose wrapping; prophylactic; boxing glove; Johnson jacket; tapioca Tupperware; doggie bag; sperm aside; penal pullover; loin luggage; oven mitt; hog holster; sword shield; manhole cover; submarine surprise; full latex jacket; missile mask; glad bag; hot dog bun; wank tank; body armour; rope restricter; raincoat; shower cap; swim suit; embryno; Jimmy hat; pork rind; pigskin; hump hindrance; spunk stopper; dick dam; sleaveland; meat tenderiser; wood hood; dipper slipper; worm womb; banana bandana; whore bore; baby block; zuchini beanie; cyclop's eye-patch; straightjacket; Saran wrap; back pack; filling station; seapage keeper; crack pro; bag lady; muscle muzzle; trouser trout salad sandwich; reliance appliance; fornication filtration; sperm lance-a-not; no-drip faucet; conception redirection; acorn shell; hub cap; third testicle; goo-be-gone; jiffy lube tube; quicker picker upper; jewellery box; mushroom cap; carrot top; peter purse; go-between; prostitute chute; gender guard; quif thief; tunnel funnel; spiral binder; boa contricter; runt stunter; tool shed; screw top; egg beaters; man quart thwart; heir alter; anti-proliferation device; family crisis; dead end; inconceivable; milt kilt; knock-me-knot; knob swab; cameltoe noflow; python pocket; gonad girdle; slut safety; muff moat; oil pan; gas tank; candleabra; pillowcase; galoshes; casino worker; knob knot; silly puddy; layin' den; shaft shell; baggie; dick partition; bullet casing; rain fly; distributor cap; vacuum bag; head light; hood ornament; tyre pump; bitch glitch; dink tank; water buffalo balloon; jissim prison; Quaker moat; indickitive; bone bonnet; cup o'soup; spunk mug; throbber Thermos; blockaides; HIV net; fish ladder; mis-direction; sleave it to beaver; snail shell; slug housing; muzzle loader; wad wallet; sleeper car; dicktionary; wet bar; cell block; DNA lounge; packer wrapper; jister holster; hereditary halter; gene pool; milt filter; cum cup; cummer bun; wanger hangar; meat locker; corn dog; cock dock; seal-a-meal; Catholic catheter; boardwalk oyster; high-protein snack shack; scrot coat; kiddie lidder; crown; flesh fedora; cumbrella; baby buggy buffer; pit stop; sperm worm; birth berth; goo blockers; chromosome tombstone; offspring sling; relative preventive; gonad goggles; blast casket; cum crypt; side winder binder; baby strainer; semen hammock; conceivable receivable; rod pod; juice jar; cock cap; gland gate; prick pouch; shot glass; salami stop; SCUBA (Self Contained Undercover Boning Apparatus); Mr Hardon's dress whites; tallywack sack; gauntlet; party hat; and, well, condom . . .



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How to speak cyber

Ten basic terms to guide you through computer conversations.

cul8r See you later
DEU Dead-end user: a consumer who calls helplines with stupid basic questions
f2f Face to face
FAQ Frequently asked question
HHOK Ha-ha, only kidding
IMHO In my humble opinion
IMNSHO, In my not-so-humble opinion
MorF? Male or female?
RTFM Read the fucking manual
TOSsed out Expelled from a chat room for breaking the Terms Of Service agreement


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Short of a picnic

How much fun can you have embellishing a nineties idiom? Try the phrase "two sandwiches short of a picnic", an indication that someone is not-quite-there and perhaps a bit lacking in the brain department. The idiom has been around since at least the late 1980s, but in the nineties it has come into its own. At the University of Liverpool they have a Research and Development Unit for English Studies which monitors such things, and it director, Antoinette Renouf, has recorded some 91 variations on the theme since 1988. As she explains the technical usage, "it has become productive as a phraseological framework" whose "particular alternatives are context-dependent". But don't worry about the formalities. Just enjoy a selection of the examples:


A few sandwiches short of a picnic
A brick short of a hod
Two bottles short of a crate
Several pawns short of a full set
A couple of kangaroos short of a full paddock
Definitely a few bricks short of a barbie
Several currants short of a bun
A few shards of pottery short of a full anthropological theory
A nosebag short of a sack of oats
A pork pie short of a picnic
A couple of programmes short of a series
A couple of tokens short of a Green Shield coffee set
A ringpull short of a can
A couple of bets short of a Yankee
A few trolleys short of a supermarket
A few pence short of a first-class stamp
Several coupons short of a toaster
Two cards short of a full house
Two luncheon vouchers short of a ploughman's
Four Soay sheep short of a rare breeds farm
Five storeys short of a high-rise block
A slice short of a full loaf
A trumpet short of a full combo
Quite a few red boxes short of a successful Prime Minister
A jar of pickled seafood short of a van-load
A few chunks short of a Yorkie
A couple of wards short of a full borough
A billion neurons short of a full load
One helmet short of a huddle
A few stock-cubes short of a full polar ration
Several gondolas short of a Cornetto
Several pieces short of a full set
One candle short of a menorah
Several fishes short of a miracle
One player short of a cricket team
A couple of cubs short of a full Lions pack
A few wafers short of a communion
A few cells short of a tournament
Two apples short of a picnic
Two candles short of a Mass
A couple of keys short of a full piano
A few letters short of a full moniker
One planet short of a full galaxy
A few digits short of a dialling code
A few cans short of a six-pack
A couple of leaves short of a shamrock in Dublin
Several prawns short of a cocktail
A few significances short of a fable
A few nappies short of a layette
Two or three cushions short of a three-piece suite
Various wheezes short of a Scottish Parliament
A sheaf short of a stook
Three UCAS points short of a graduation party
A few frames short of a reel
One liquorice stick short of a Pontefract cake
Three diamond clusters short of a tiara
Two sheep short of a flock
One panel short of a full door
A few runes short of a stone circle
A couple of saucers short of a teaset
Several gemstones short of a full tiara
More than a Dolce short of a Gabbana
A few slices short of a loaf
A few pence short of a Euro


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Not! - or how the negative became positive

Which films have had the greatest impact on language in the nineties? That's a most resplendently difficult question to answer - not!

Let's explain. The movie Wayne's World, and the two Bill and Ted films, sent a whole new form of slang into mainstream use. The key to it is irony, and the main legacy to language is the Not! construction. Here's a whirlwind primer to this important new linguistic development. Not!

The world is divided into dudes and babes. Desirable versions of the latter are psycho hose beasts who tend to give the former full-on robot chubbies. There's no such thing as good and bad in this world; instead, babes are unprecedented, resplendent, stellar, most totally excellent, triumphant, babelicious. and outstanding, or even most atypically phantasmagorical. But dudes who are less than bodacious are bogus, heinous or non-non-heainous (which cancels out the negation in non-heinous). In other words, they're non-heinous. Not!

That Not! , by the way, made a totally bodaciously triumphant journey from Valspeak, the Valley Girl slang that developed in early 1980s California. But will it last? Shyeah, right (as followers of Wayne's World speak might say), and monkeys might fly out of my butt.


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How to write business jargon

Have you ever yearned to compose your own meaningless but impressive-sounding business jargon? Well, now you can - thanks to the Instant Jargonator, designed to make your prose sound just as vacuous as any top 90s executive. The Financial Times helpfully published the following guide to writing business jargon for the 90s, which will ensure that no matter how lucid and clear your natural writing style, you too will soon be pumping out instant gibberish.

All you need to do is think of any three-figure number; then just choose the right buzzword from each column. For example, 713 produces "synchronised organistional mobility". And though nobody will have any idea what you are seeking to say, they will be to daunted and baffled to point this out.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

0 Integrated 0 Management 0 Options
1 Total 1 Organisational 1 Flexibility
2 Systematised 2 Monitored 2 Capability
3 Parallel 3 Reciprocal 3 Mobility
4 Functional 4 Digital 4 Programming
5 Responsive 5 Logistical 5 Concept
6 Optional 6 Transitional 6 Time-phase
7 Synchronised 7 Incremental 7 Projection
8 Compatible 8 Third-generation 8 Hardware
9 Balanced 9 Policy 9 Contingency


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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 16 - Eurojargon

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 16: EUROJARGON


How to talk European

BANALISATION n. The process of eliminating administrative duplication, in the jargon of the European Union, so that toasters do not, for instance, need to be inspected both on leaving France and entering Britain. The word comes from the French banaliser (to make something commonplace) and not, as some have suggested, from the tone of John Major's voice.

BASKET OF CURRENCIES n. Those currencies whose fluctuations on the exchange market are used to determine the value of the single European currency. Not to be confused with basket case (see pound).

BOOMERANG CLAUSE n. The part of the EC treaty (article 91.2, to be precise) and the Efta convention (17.2) that requires every member state to accept the return of goods exported to another member state free of cutom duties and tax. Dull, but a hopeful sign that the Eurocrats may at last have begun injecting picturesque phrases into their jargon.

BROADENING v. Extending the EU's links with other states such as Slovakia, which are not necessarily brought within the union through the process known as enlargement. The term also refers to what Helmut Kohl does with his shoulders and chest before telling he British delegation what's what.

CASSIS DE DIJON n. Not a blend of kir and mustard, but a 1979 Court of Justice ruling that's still on every Eurocrat's lips. This established that goods made in one member state shoud be free to circulate in any other.

COHESION n. The means by which money from the rich north of the EU is channelled to the poor south so that the union is bound together. Often pronounced with a Spanish, Greek or Portuguese accent.

COMITOLOGY n. The principle that EU committees are responsible for assisting the Commission in implementing its decisions. Some etymologists believe the word is in fact mis-spelt and that EU decision-making relies largely on astrology.

CONCENTRIC CIRCLES n. An EU euphemism for the slower orbits in which the more sceptical member states, such as Britain, have avoided fully committing themselves to closer unity. The flaw in this metaphor is that concentric circules, by their mathematical nature, have a common centre, which some have calculated lies somewhere in the suburbs of Bonn.

CONVERGENCE n. The progressive movement of member states' economic policies towards each other. In practice, this means that they all sink into recession.

CROCODILE CLUB n. A club of MEPs founded in 1980 to commit Europe to advancing towards political union. Eurosceptics brashly dismiss them in public as reptiles who merely jaw, but if you look closely you can spot the tears welling up in the sceptics' eyes.

DEEPENING v. What Helmut Kohl does with his voice as he tells the British delegation what's what (see broadening). It's also process by which the existing EU members become further integrated, rather than gaining new members.

DELOCALISATION OF SAVINGS n. The transfer of investments by businesses and individuals to countries where tax rates are more favourable. There is no truth that delocalisation is derived from Jacques Delors , who always tended to be out of favour.

DENATURING v. Processing or destroying agricultural products to avoid surplus EU production. As we went to press, nature was being awarded a 6 billion ecu subsidy with which to fight back.

DOUBLE DISAPPROVAL n. An EU principle by which the price of a flight may only be prohibited if it has been vetoed by both governments concerned. Also the response given to Edward Heath as he walks past the Eurosceptic MPs John Redwood and Bill Cash.

ECONOMICALLY AND SOCIALLY LEAST PRIVILEGED GROUPS n. pl. The poor. Why would Europe use a little phrase when a big one might generate more income for the translators?

ECONOMICALLY INACTIVE PERSONS n. pl. In EU jargon, those people (such as students and playboys) who choose not to be employed. Also refers to the Eurocrats who spend all day coining such verbiage at our expense.

EUROSECURITIES n. pl. Financial guarantees distributed by a syndicate from more than one member state (cf Euroinsecurities, which disrupt William Hague's sleep patterns).

FLOOR n. What the pound, lira, franc, etc, generally fall through.

HARMONISATION n. The coordination of member states' national legislation and regulations, discussion of which produces violent schisms and disharmony.

HOT BANANA n. The huge zone curving through Europe from the British Midlands down via the Frankfurt region towards Milan, embracing the continent's greatest concentration of population and economic power. The French know the zone as the dorsale , or backbone, but a French veto has prevented the British from using the word "backbone" in any European context . . .

IMPS n. acr. Integrated Mediterranean Programmes: aid programmes to assist the economically and socially least privileged EU regions (qv) on the Mediterranean. British proposals for a smaller, cheaper version are sarcastically known a SHRIMPS.

IN-OUT COHABITATION n. Current Euro-jargon for the relationship between the states keen to join a common currency, and those determined to stay outside. But don't let the vicar hear you discussing it: he might get the wrong idea.

KANGAROO GROUP n. An informal group of MEPs who work together to get sectors of industry and commerce to help the European Commission define its strategies. Its name symbolises leaping over barriers - although the group's late founder, Basil de Ferranti, said that the kangaroo was a bad-tempered animal who, when confronted with a barrier, would probably just kick it in.

KETSCHUP n. Germ. The new German version of Ketchup - just as Kanguruh evolved from Kanguru. All part of the new Vienna Declaration, which supposedly simplifies the way the language is spelt. Or rather spellscht.

LEVEL PLAYING FIELD n. The European Central Cliche. Bet you can't find an EU speech which doesn't contain the phrase.

MAMMARY SECRETION n. jarg. An opaque white fluid produced by EU animals in a cunning bid to draw subsidies. It's what they call milk.

MONEY n. Sensitive to the vast amounts it spends, the EU uses euphemisms to avoid attracting too much attention. In deciding how much aid should go to the world's poorest countries, for instance, there is much talk of volume ; a large British rebate that was negotiated was an abatement ; and in budget discussions, cash comes as a financial envelope or package , inside which is found a number of budget lines.

NON-EDIBLE VEGETABLE n. jarg. A flower, in the new Euro-terminology decided in Brussels - just as milk is not simply milk but mammary secretions , and nuts are to be known as shell fruits. Euro-MPs have campaigned to remove such pompous language from official documents - they call it obscuranto (qv) - but still it persists.

OBSCURANTO n. A term for the language EU officials use to conduct self-important discussions well away from the public, covering up painful admissions with vague clouds of words. The harmless "proposals for stabilisation measures in the oil and fats regime", for instance, clouded wha was actually a threat of huge price increases for margarine and cooking oil.

SAGESSE NORMANDE, LA phr. Fr. The wisdom of Normandy, as promoted by a French speaker in an EU debate. Alas, the translation reportedly came out as: "We need Norman Wisdom." We challenge John Redwood to prove otherwise.

SOCIAL DUMPING n. jarg. The tendency of industry to move jobs to the member state with the weakest labour protection and lowest wages. Also the tendency of Conservative Eurosceptics to could-shoulder Edward Heath at cocktail parties.

TEMPORARY adj. Permanent, used for measures about which the Commission is embarrassed (such as milk quotas). Limits on what farmers could produce were introduced "temporarily" way back in 1984. They continue to be "reviewed" (qv mammary secretion).

TRANSPARENCY n. Code for opening up the union's secretive decision-making institutions: a direct challenge to obscuranto (qv).

VALUES n. pl. What a Paris hotel was recently advising guests, in an English-language notice, to leave at the front desk for safekeeping. A fine example of inappropriate translation that was matched only by the Prague tourist agency, which in 1992 urged visitors to "take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages." Or the German camp site, the same year, where a sign warned: "It is forbidden on our camp site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

WHEELED CHILD CONVEYANCING VEHICLE n. jarg. What the European Union calls a pram. In 1997 it came up with new regulations, which led Britain's Department of Trade and Industry to go one better: a pram, it declared, is "a wheeled vehicle designed for the transport in a seated or semi-recumbent position of one or two babies or infants or any carry-cot or transporter thereof". Poetry.

WOMEN, THE PROFESSIONAL INSERTION OFv. One of the Commisison's stated priorities for its "social action programme". Presumably the Commission meant that it could do what it could to help women to progress within the professions, but certain minds boggled.


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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 15 - Health

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 15: HEALTH


Meet the modern affliction

ARCTIC WILLY n. A nineties affliction, recorded in the British Medical Journal, that affects men who ski in frost-bite temperatures. A chilling thought.

ASTHMA CARRIER n. sl. The danger that road protesters claim is endangering our health. In other words, the motor vehicle. It is the slang of the panses (qv), the campaigners who are Politically Active and Not Seeking Employment.

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER n. The neurobiological condition being used to justify appalling behaviour by otherwise intelligent children. ADD, as US courts keep hearing, is what makes these "emotional cripples" mug, rob, stab and damage cars. Michael Fay, who gained fame when whipped for his misdeeds in Singapore, claimed to be a slightly older victim, but the Singapore authorities couldn't have been paying attention.

BEDBLOCKER n. med. A patient, usually an elderly person, who stands in the way of hospital economics. Although they do not need immediate medical attention, they cannot be moved from a bed, often because social services cannot afford to house them. The only known cure: radical refinancing of local government.

BODY McCARTHYISM n. A contemporary panic among internal fashion victims (qv) that involves rigorous control of all ones bodily fluids. To a large extent a product of the Aids era, it may explain why your attempt at a kiss meets a handshake, or that sip you offer a practitioner from your beer bottle is curtly refused.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER n. Sufferers are baffled, angry, intense and impulsive, and are terrified of being left alone. Parts of the press seem to think Princess Diana was BPD's celebrity carrier, but that sounded an angry, intense and impulsive sort of accusation.

CHRONIC LIFE SYNDROME n. A new medical term to describe the constant pattern of "disease" affecting many of the 13 million Americans aged over 75. According to medics at the Suncoast Gerontology Center in Florida, chronic life is caused by the pattern of illnesses that negates the benefits of our increasingly long lives.

FLATULENCE EVENT n. Overindulged over the weekend? Here's the polite new term for describing your urgent need to break wind. Medics at San Diego's university, studying this topic, couldn't bring themselves to use the less scientific term - it might leave them in bad odour . . .

GOMER n. Hospital slang for the sort of troublesome patient who delights in giving everyone a really hard time. An acronym, it stands for 'Get Out Of My Emergency Room!'

HEALTHISM n. The trend (led by healthists) towards making us aware of the health implications of everything we eat, drink, smoke or otherwise ingest. Healthists are generally not much fun at parties.

INTERNAL FASHION VICTIM n. Someone with those very nineties obsessions, inner health and diet. Identified by i-D magazine; followers are recognisable by a glass of organic carrot juice and pile of vitamin pills.

MENTALISM n. The fashionable tendency for people (admittedly often very dull people) to pretend to be crazy, perhaps as a means of appearing interesting. As the Face magazine describes it, it's the "'I'm mad, me' cult of pretending to be loopy - a response to the pressures of end-of-century life".

MUSCLE DYSMORPHIA n. A psychiatric disorder in which musclebound sporting types somehow convince themselves they are wimps. Experts link the disorder to anorexia nervosa, but with the preoccupation going in the opposite direction: the mirror shows a body that is never big enough. Now if only the disease could be contained among nightclub bouncers . . .

NEBRIATRICIAN n. One of the new branch of specialist health researchers whose "highly controversial" and "deeply disturbing" findings are gold dust to news editors on a quiet day. This one, according to the British Medical Journal, undertakes studies of why people drink alcohol and looks for ways to stop them doing so. Thirsty work.

NONISM n. That extreme form of nineties health faddism in which you avoid any substance that might harm your mental and physical well-being. Forget drink, drugs, caffeine, meat and dairy products - oh, and sex. One Boston psychiatrist whose son had joined the movement described him as a "pleasure anorexic".

NUTRACEUTICAL n. This is food with added vitamins and minerals, designed to make your medicine more palatable. The word is also used to describe one of the so-called "functional foods" - such as bacteria-enhanced yoghurts - that are now all over your supermarket claiming to be good for you. Said to be a cross between pharmaceuticals and, well, old-fashioned food, although taste tests have suggested otherwise.

OBE n. An Out-of-Body Experience: the current fashionable New Age phenomenon that is said to enhance your spiritual health. If you've left your body recently, according to those who know, you're an "eksomatic experiencer who goes beyond your biochemical state". Either that, or you're drunk.

OXYGEN BAR n. An urban retreat, first popularised in Canada, where you can relax and inhale some pure O2 with your drink. Doctors aren't convinced it will make you any healthier, but if you're willing to pay for the buzz, then someone near you will shortly be happy to take your cash.

PARADISE SYNDROME n. med. A new medical condition that afflicts only those poor, unfortunate types who have absolutely everything they could want. "It is when your world is going absolutely, fantastically well and you feel so inspired that you think you must be ill," claims the illness's first populariser, pop star Dave Stewart. The result: a host of imaginary ailments.

PASSIVE OVER-EATING n. med. Scientists' term for the new western malaise - the consumption of fat-filled convenience foods that are quietly turning us obese, even though we might consume less.

PERFORMANCE TENSION DIARRHOEA n. Tense, nervous stomach ache? In need of an urgent toilet visit before that stressful job interview or tough assignment? You are suffering not from the runs, but from this fashionable new syndrome. And now one in five of us is apparently justified in using this posh-sounding name.

PHARM v. To farm genetically modified animals or crops in order to compete with the pharmaceutical industry. Insert a human gene into a cow and use its milk as a cheap source of human serum albumin, used in blood transfusions; or grow modified bananas which contain a vaccine against hepatitis. Cheaper than a pill factory - and those modern pharmyard noises tend to be scientists counting their windfalls.

PHARMACOGENOMICS n. sci. A new field within human genetics which seeks to find out how our inherited DNA make-up controls our responses to various drugs or foods. So if you are likely to develop side effect to, say, a drug for your heart, you can be screened out at an early stage and pout on a more suitable treatment.

RECOVERY n. The health fad of the mid-nineties, it presumes that most of use were at one stage the victim of some sort of abuse, that we must merely face up to in order to make the sun shine again in our lives. The term has gone from the language of therapy to mainstream TV talk shows, which feed off public confessions and so treat the world as one big dysfunctional family. Critics of recovery attack it as "victimology", in which there is always someone else we can blame for our current difficulties.

ROID RAGE n. Not to be confused with road rage: this is the aggression common in those macho types who take anabolic steroids to build up their muscles. As Camille Paglia defines it, it's "the heightened state of violent aggression induced by excess testosterone" - and it's proof that gyms are unhealthy places.

TASK COMPLETION WISHFUL THINKING SYNDROME n. jarg. A form of behaviour discovered after five years of research by Dr Dale Griffin of Sussex University. In non-academic language, it means that projects tend to take longer than you expect.

TATT n. A contemporary medical condition coined to describe those who are "tired all the time". Current theories of Tatt's causes include an excess of central heating and pursuing a lazy domestic lifestyle; suggested cures include a dose of Tott (that's Turning Off The Television).

TIPSY COW DISEASE n. euph. The British Veterinary Association's preferred term for mad cow disease, on the grounds that BSE-affected cows show the symptoms of drunkenness rather than the more terrifying madness. Nice try, guys, but when you try that hard, euphemisms just don't tend to catch on.

TUBE n. sl. A medical routine particularly favoured by young male doctors: in medical slang it stands for the "Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination" - and is an example of the proliferating medical slang collected by Dr Phil Hammond. If you see TF Bundy on your medical notes, this suggests you are "Totally Fucked But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet"; and Grolies are "Guardian Readers Of Limited Intelligence In Ethnic Skirts". Feel better now?


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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 14 - In black and white

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 14: IN BLACK AND WHITE


Some black terms that went mainstream - and some that are still causing difficulties

AFRO-SAXON n. A new term for black Britons. Lord Taylor of Warwick claims to have coined the term to define "all the black people who want to contribute to Britain, who aren't scroungers or muggers". But others suggest that Professor Rex Nettleford coined it 30 years ago as a pejorative term to describe West Indian migrants' emphasis on their "Englishness" to gain acceptance.

AUDI 5000 sl. Having taken one's leave. Don't follow? It means "out of here", as in the line from the phat rap film, Fear Of A Black Hat: "She'll be Audi 5000." Presumably you're not too wack to know that phat (see below) means exceptional. Or that wack means boring.

B-BOY n. mus. Street slang for a close (male) follower of the hip-hop scene, named for the beat or break-beat boys who hit the rap scene first in New York and then, suitably diluted and sterilised, in every white suburban bedroom that displayed a Beastie Boy poster. A girl B-boy is not a B-girl, but a flygirl.

BLACK adj. a) An adjective that continues to caused unimaginable problems among the politically correct. A couple of years ago, the Black Dyke Mills brass band, celebrated in Yorkshire, was due to play Carnegie Hall in New York. Until the hall detected that "black", as well as "dyke", might offend both the race and gay lobbies in one. The solution it suggested - rename it the British Mills Brass Band - was turned down as "a national insult, an outrageous suggestion . . ."

BLACK adj. b) A word that no longer exists - at least, if you work for the Sussex police force. The chief constable has decreed that phrases such as turned black (police talk for a fatality) are, like accident black spots, "no longer appropriate" - and so he has blacked them.

BUTTER adj. sl. Smooth and cool, in the latest rap slang - as in "My shorty has a butter flavour". That's shorty, as in the hot way to describe a girlfriend, and flavour (or, in all likelihood, flavor) as in style. And, yo, if your peeps (friends) still don't have the four-one-one (information) on the latest street talk, they can now get it in a new slang dictionary from Random House. But you'll have to be quick: this language changes fast. We're told that last season's phrase for "That's the truth" - No doubt - has now become No diggity. Chillin'.

CABLINASIAN n. A new racial classification, combining elements of Caucasian, black, Indian and Asian backgrounds. Coined by Tiger Woods, the American golfer who previously would have been thought of as black. In the melting pot of complex inter-ethnic weaving, such simple descriptions are no longer acceptable.

CASH ENGLISH n. The formal, grammatical language used in places such as inner-city Los Angeles to differentiate it from the so-called ebonics (qv) heard on the streets. Why? Because, as one teacher puts it, unlike black dialects it's the type that can get them through job interviews.

DIS v. To insult or dis-respect - and perhaps hip-hop's greatest contribution to mainstream slang. It started as black slang in American cities, and then took the familiar route - through music and then TV programmes - to white suburban consciousness. Bet your grandma now knows what it means.

EBONICS n. The "black English" street slang spoken in many US inner cities (where "She will be first in line", for instance, becomes "She-uh be firs in line"). The school board in Oakland, California, recognised it as a distinct second language in 1996, on the grounds that to disparage it would disparage a culture. Needless to say, the decision became a hot racial and political issue.

MISS THANG n. sl. US rap's contribution to feminist studies - it is a woman who appears to be pretentious, flirtatious or falsely charming (as in "Will you just look at Miss Thang . . .?"). Thang started as a Deep South pronunciation of "thing", the snobbishness of that long, leisured drawl finally making it up to Harlem.

NIGGER n., offens?. A bad word that in the nineties became a good word, at least among some black people who sought to reclaim it (qv queer) - but don't try this one if you're white, please. The term's re-creation began with hip-hop music, with rappers proudly using it to describe themselves (remember NWA - Niggaz Wit' Attitude?). And it stuck - despite campaigns by the likes of the Reverend Calvin O Butts, a Harlem pastor who in 1993 tried to ban the word (along with those other rap favourites niggas, bitches and ho's). He failed, needless to say.

PHAT adj. Phat means more or less the same as ill, massive, dope and bad - in other words, good, in the gangsta-rap slang of the late nineties. Our lexicographical usage department advises that a musical offering by Nine, called What D'ya Want, Nine?, offers a typical usage: "What d'ya want, Nine?" "Phat beats for ma rhyme" (a good, solid backing track for my lyrics). Nine also wants some ammunition for his 9mm Uzi machine gun, but that is rather unphat of him.

PIM acr. The Positive Image Mentality that is much talked of among black people. Underlying the philosophy is the view that anything that reflects well on the black community should be stressed, and anything that reflects badly, ignored. That's why magazines such as Ebony focus on celebrities, success and upward mobility.

SNAP n., v. A black tradition that went mainstream in the mid-nineties, involving swapping insults that get progressively more abusive. Start with "Your family is so poor, they go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers," and move on to "If ugliness were bricks, your mother would be a housing project." There are entire books with details of what you can tell someone to do with their mama.

WHITE n. One of the uncomfortable targets of the politically correct movement in the early-to-mid nineties, keen to ensure words caused no offence. New Yorkers avoided white or black coffee but preferred to ask for "with" or "without"; but the climax was the Washington Post reporter's ingenious method of discussing the film White Men Can't Jump in a way that avoided offending anybody's sensitivities. He carefully retitled it "There May be Anthropological Differences That Account For Variation in Personal Vertical Lift, Though These Do Not Imply the Kinetic Inferiority of One Ethnic Group Vis-a-Vis Another" . . .

WHITELASH n. White middle-America's new outspokenness against those damned pinko liberals. They're sick of taxes, welfare, crime and feminists. And with Newt Gingrich's help, they're on the warpath.

WHITE TRASH n. What started as an insulting way to describe a social class of poor Southern US whites, and went mainstream in the mid-ninteies as a distinct culture to be celebrated. The likes of Roseanne and Tonya Harding put the term into common media circulation, and then films such as True Romance (1993) and Natural Born Killers (1994) made it glamorous. Look for the fast-food bucket and the six-pack of Budweiser.

WIGGER sl. n. A white person who tries to be black - short for "white nigger", and rap slang for the Marky Mark types who borrow black music, fashion or language. And any non-rapper who has ever said dude or chilled out stands accused.


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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 13 - Street slang

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 13: STREET SLANG


Words that are so hot they'll be cold again by the time you start using them

07734 int. The cool greeting for the digital age. It's the number being received by electronic beepers everywhere: turn it upside down and you've got "HELLO". The game also works in Spanish: 50538, or "BESOS", means kisses.

1471 v. The fashionable telephone number for the late nineties. These four digits have come to make a verb, meaning to discover who has just phoned you but rung off. A product of BT callback technology, you tap in 1471 to find out the number of your last caller. Hence the verb: "She bottled out after two rings, but he 1471d her and called her back."

AND MONKEYS MIGHT FLY OUT OF MY BUTT n. sl. "That's rubbish." It began with the film Wayne's World, and soon spread to teen conversations everywhere.

ARM CANDY n. An attractive (generally male) model, who is worth being seen with. Current slang in the catwalk circuit.

BESTEST adj. Better than best, the term now favoured by those Klosters-and-Kensington types who look to the Duchess of York for guidance in such matters.

BOOKMARK v. comp. To make a note of someone's number or address so you can contact them in future (as in "I'd like to bookmark you and maybe see you for dinner..."). It started as an Internet term, but Scientific American has reecorded its growing mainstream use (see also low bandwidth).

BOTTOM-BURP n. Older readers would know this simply as a fart. But then the writers of Just Seventeen magazine have their own, let's say, colourful way of talking.

BUMSTER sl. n. A popular but threatened aspect of Gambian tourism: young men who hang around beaches awaiting the attentions of European women. The country's rulers have banned such "sex tourism" as immoral.

DEAD PRESIDENT phr. sl. US banknotes - recognisable by their portraits of George Washington, Andrew Jackson, et al. A dead pres, in Harlem street slang, is differentiated from money in general, which is simply cream.

DOPE adj. sl. Cool, in nineties teen-speak. You'll also hear of things being slammin', kickin', choice, tight, sweet and sick. Not, of course, that cool itself is uncool: no, that word's still totally dope.

DROP A DIME v. What used to be to grass: current US slang for informing on someone. After all, you can call the police from a public phone all you need is a dime. Or in some states, a quarter; but the term has not proved to be index-linked.

DWERB n. sl. A dwerb is a dweeb, only worse. Accoring to the San Jose Mercury, dwerbs say things like "Gosh, darn" and "You betcha!", and move to California from such cultural backwaters as Idaho, Ohio, Iowa, and other places made up of vowels. Still to cross the pond, but we're watching out for it.

ELVIS adj. sl. How British troops describe a colleague who is unprepared for enemy attack - a gas bombardment in the Gulf, for instance. For Elvis Presley, as the saying goes, "is history".

ELVIS YEAR n. The year a product or trend is at its peak of popularity - before an often sad and embarrassing decline. The year 1997, for instance, might be called the Teletubbies' Elvis year. Then again, there's always the worrying prospect people will keep insisting on claiming they are alive and shopping in local supermarkets . . .

FURNITURE MOVER n. A hysterical patient, in the slang of psychiatrists. A writer, John Davis, has collected together such buzzwords and discovered several other linguistic gems such as pants waver (nymphomaniac) and double header (schizophrenic).

HAIRBALL! excl. The current West Coast word for terrifying: frequently heard from glamorous Malibu types fleeing the bush fires as they threw their Louis XIV armchairs into the swimming pools. Not to be confused with fireball, beachball or ball-bearing.

HIGHBEAMS n. sl. That wide-eyed look that results from getting high on crack cocaine - from the term for full car headlights. The risk, in nineties drug slang, is that the habit will lead to tweaking - that state of drug-induced paranoia - and eventaully might cause you to shoot the kerb. This involves losing everything to crack.

KIBO acr. Knowledge in, bullshit out. Get some experts together to discuss a serious issue, from politics to literature, and watch them waffle. It's even spawned a religion on the Net, known as "kibology".

LOW BANDWIDTH phr., comp. A put-down of someone's mental capacity - as in, "That guy's bandwidth is so low he thinks the Spice Girls are musicians.'' Entering mainstream life from the computer nerds' talk, in which bandwidth normally refers to the amount of information a computer network can process and transmit at one time.

MACK OUT v. sl. To eat a big meal - American "dude" slang, used among those teens who talk of babes being most excellent. Named after McDonald's.

MAXWELL n. A measurement equivalent to about 200lb of human flesh. In current use among undertakers, who define the larger human corpse in this way.

PEAR-SHAPED adj. Ugly or unpleasant, as in: "I can't believe it. Everything has gone pear-shaped" (Brian Harvey, formerly of East 17, forced to apologise after claiming that Ecstasy was safe). Some suggest that the term derives from the womanly shape that some men find less than attractive; others that it was made up by scriptwriters for TV cop shows.

PLOT, TO HAVE LOST THE phr. sl. At last, a slang term that began in Britain and made it to the US. This one, as the US style magazine W discloses, "is the hip English expression for someone who has gone off the rails".

RENTON n. sl. An extremely short haircut - after the one worn by the mashed-up (that is, intoxicated) character played by Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting.

ROCKBROKER BELT n. That part of Surrey once frequented by stockbrokers, now more favoured by ageing rockers. To hear the gentle twang of a Fender, followed by wheezing and puffing, drive past the mansions of Virginia Water and Epsom.

ROLLOVER WEEK n. It started as a Lottery expression for when the jackpot was rolled over to the next week; but now, as a correspondent reports from deepest Shropshire, it has taken on a whole new meaning: "She's got that much energy, every night, can't keep up with her, can I?" a chap was heard saying in the pub. "I'll be glad when it's a rollover week . . ."

ROOFIES sl. s. A drug more formally known as Rohypnol, which induces a hypnotic tate, impairs memory and lowers sexual inhibitions. That's why it's also become known as the "date-rape drug'', and why those unwittingly taking it can end up with more than a headache the morning after.

SCOTTY n. sl. The current slang, prevalent in certain inner-city areas, used for the drug crack. Why? Well, just think of Star Trek and "Beam me up . . ."

SLIM TO ANOREXIC adj. Current PR-talk as to the chances of something unhelpful being allowed to happen. Camille Paglia appearing on the Michael Barrymore show? That's slim to anorexic.

SMURF sl. n. In New York gangster slang, an unobtrusively ordinary citizen whose personal bank accounts are used to launder drug money. Sums are kept small and spread over many accounts; still, billions of dollars are thought to be passing through the smurf community.

SNOG-TASTIC adj. sl. What Prince William is, according to teen 'zine TV Hits. A royal correspondent comments that this, apparently, means that he is a rather kissable young man.

SPACE BANDITn. Not a character in a malignant video game, but a term used by estate agents to describe the national retailing chains which take up large bland chunks of every high street.

SPANG v. To beg on the streets: current slang, probably from that ubiquitous refrain, "Spare any change?"

STEEP sl. n. In current US college slang, someone who wears politically-correct opinions, but also rather expensive clothing. We really must have a cocktail party to raise money for those poor Rwandans. "Guccis but no furs," as one writer puts it.

STUD-PUPPY n. What to call someone you rather fancy - in US slang.

SUCK SOMOEONE'S FLAVOUR v. To emulate someone's style - current teen slang for the way in which admirers of a filthy (cool) person begin to wear the same clothes. But don't be a cretin maggot by sucking the flavour of a cool guy - that's someone who's most definitely uncool, but doesn't realise . . .

TEABAG n. sl. One of those subjects of Her Britannic Majesty who happens to be inhabiting the United States. Or, in the old slang, a Brit.

TONSIL-TICKLING BOUT n. sl. A snog session, in the overwrought slang of teenage magazines. Such a bout will typically occur in the swank-o-pad of a dreamy swoonball who has enormous snog potential, after a romantic meal at a swish nosh-shop. It's possible that nobody actually uses these terms apart from the middle-aged magazine hacks who write it, but then again they might enjoy more snogs than the rest of us.

VIC DAMONE n. Victory - a newly popularised slang term in the States that resulted from George Bush's frequent use of it. To achieve Vic Damone on the golf course, as the New York Times explained the Bushism, the former president had to avoid Wedge City, control the yips and chips, and steer the ball to the dance floor. Meaning he needed to avoid bunkers, control his nerves and chip neatly on to the greens.

WAZZ ON YOUR BONFIRE v tr. To spoil your fun, or take the wind out of your sails - an example of British Youthspeak recently discovered by the marketing industry in its YouthTruth survey. Presumably the Bonfire Wazz fizzy drink is already in the planning stag.

WIZZY adj. The adjective of the moment: anything positive, exciting, magical or desirable has suddenly come to be wizzy . Perhaps linked to the magical powers of wizards, or the inescapable impact of whizz-bangs and whizz-kids. And no doubt connected to that computing buzzword, wysiwyg - standing for what you see is what you get.

WUSS or WUSSY n. A combination of wimp and pussy, this is the insult of the moment as popularised by Beavis and Butthead.

YEAH, RIGHT excl. How a student interrupted a lecture in Chicago dealing with double-negatives. In every language, the lecturer said, you could use two negatives to make a positive - but in English two positives don't make a negative. Cue voice from back of the hall: "Yeah, right."

YUMLICIOUS adj. Kissably attractive, in the nineties language of teenage girls' magazines. Good-looking boys are also sponditiously brilliant, faborific, splendiferous and saucelicious ; and as for the most stunning-looking, no superlative expresses their desirablilty more than the title of Just Seventeen's regular back-page pin-up: Fwoarrrgh!


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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 12 - Trends and fads

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 12: TRENDS AND FADS


What the fashionable nineties person is talking about

ALCOPOP n. The controversial drink to be seen with, this is lemonade with more than the usual fizz: 4.7 per cent alcohol, to be precise. It's the booze industry's latest wheeze, with about 20 potent brands of not-so-soft drinks on the shelves. All targeted at adults, of course: no pocket money if you suggest otherwise.

ALLIGATOR ALLEY adj. A new colour for the nineties, as invented by an outfit called the Color Marketing Group of America. They predict the fashionable hues of the season to come, and decided that this one (big in 1997) "reflects the core of society as an urban combat colour". Blackish-green, if you wanted to know.

'ROUND MIDNIGHT adj. Another of the Color Marketing Group's new predictions - and one which marks the continuingtrend towards "multiculturalism and ethnic diversity". We used to call it black. Do people pay for this sort of information?

AROMACOLOGY n. A new so-called science that claims to use odours to benefit your health. A scented patch worn on your arm, for instance, is claimed to put you off chocolate and so help your diet; but some scientists are not convinced that aromacology works, and, er, smell a rat.

BABYMOON n. The period that comes after a baby's birth when its parents enjoy a few days of pleasure and relaxation before the broader realities of child-rearing hit home (ie nappies, sleepless nights, adolescence etc). As described by editor Ian Hargreaves, who sent a postcard from his babymoon to the staff at New Statesman.

BLEEPER BONDAGE n. That mid-nineties burden of travelling salespeople, freelance journalists and besuited executives. Sleeping? Enjoying a quiet meal? Watching Schindler's List? Bleep . . . bleep . . . bleep . . . Time to call in, you technology slave.

BOBBITTECTOMY n. Yet another new word to have resulted from John Wayne B's famous penile accident at the hands of his wife. The Journal of American Speech has also spotted Bobbittize, do a Mrs Bobbitt, and Bobbitt syndrome: a feared rash of Bobbittectomies.

CALIFORNICATION n. The fashion among well-off urban types to find some unspoilt rural location and bring to it all their sinful city values. The word is current among Montana cattle ranchers to describe the interfering West-coast types "coming in and telling us what to do". The evils they bring include environmentalism, land protection, animal-rights activism and Jane Fonda.

CITOLOGY n. The systematic study of academic footnotes and references, a key pastime for scholars keen to show that their works have been cited in as many other papers as possible. For that makes them look almost indispensable . . .

CLICK v. To be as one with the trends of the times. A current Madison Avenue buzzword popularised by trend-analyst Faith Popcorn. But she ruins it by turning it into a pap acronym: c for courage, l for letting go, i for insight, c for commitment, k for knowledge. How very quaint.

CREMAINS n. What remains after a body has been cremated, in the term now used by the funeral industry. It has taken on a new significance because of the fashion for disposing of one's ashes in creative ways: one company will turn you into cremation jewellery, another will send you up into space. And a Marvel comic editor who died in 1996 left instructions for his cremains to be mixed with ink and used to print his final work . . .

CRUNCHY adj. Natural and environmentally aware: an adjective for the organic age. People, just like breakfast cereals, can be crunchy ; you might also hear them described as granolas. Best probably not to comment that their cagoule could do with a dry-clean.

DAVID MELLOR n. Fr. A French term, reported to be in common use among trendy Parisians in late 1992. And what does un David Mellor actually mean? "A bad haircut,'' informs our branche man on the street.

DEFINING MOMENT, THE phr. A phrase on commentators' lips throughout the mid-nineties, whether discussing Bosnian pull-backs, Northern Irish peace talks, or
extra-time goals. The cliche of the nineties. Possibly even the defining cliche.

DUMB DOWN v. To go downmarket, esp. a newspaper or broadcasting organisation , in a bid for more readers or viewers. The New York Times, which has just increased its type size, is the latest publication to be accused of dumbing down. But in these PC times, shouldn't we hold a seminar to debate that word "dumbing"?

EARLY BIRD n. The colour yellow, if you are a paint manufacturer. Yellow is also, depending on your exact shade, called first light', razzle dazzle, early bird, sonnet and solstice. Who said the manufacturing industries couldn't be creative?

EDGE-CITY n. That ill-defined urban are (between suburbs, town centres and green belt) inhabited by shopping centres, retail warehouses and executive housing. An idea from the US which has now firmly settled in here.

EDIBLE LANDSCAPING n. The use of edible plants in your back graden - the fashionable way to garden for today's self-sufficient crunchy types (qv).

EQ n. The emotional quotient we are all now to be measured by, alongside the more conventional intelligence quotient. Blame Daniel Goleman's book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, which argues that success does not require a high IQ. The solution: learn the cultural habits of those who are winning in life, and do as they do.

FEEL-GOODISM n. The trend, particularly in publishing, to promise solutions to every known ailment and anxiety that consumers could possibly have. That way, the cure to everything from millennial fears to social phobias turns out to be a £10.99 purchase of your latest feel-good tome.

FEEWAY n. A new type of freeway where you must pay to drive. Invented in Los Angeles, where for $2.95 a day drivers can save 20 minutes by driving along a special 10-mile road. A concept popularly known among Angelenos as "polite highway robbery''.

GRANNY FARM v., n. To send elderly people in large numbers to a place where they can be safely ignored. The most controversial recent case of granny farming involved a shipment to the Costa Blanca. Don't expect a postcard.

GRUNGE adj. No, not the musical meaning. This one is a "trend-defining" colour - a grey-green that "reflects the youthful rebellion against establishment brights". Yes, it's more guff from that Color Marketing Group again. OK, OK, that's the last time we mention them.

HEGEMONY n. The current vogue-word, which has even overtaken paradigm, to throw into any scholarly analysis of modern pop culture. The academics' obsession with the word was noted in a recent conference of the Popular Culture Assocation, and its dominance was declared nothing short of hegemonic.

HEROIN CHIC n. The designer look of the mid-nineties: it involves gaunt, skinny and sullen models pretending to have just injected themselves with opiates. Or not pretending, as the case may be.

-ISM suffix. That linguistic suffix that seems to have peaked as a phenomenon in the nineties. Everyone, it seems, gets one - from Blair- to Major- toBenn-. The people at Collins Dictionaries have now identified well over 1,000 -isms, including those more recent coinages so-what-ism (1994), techno-fetishism (1993), and non-ism (1990 - that one's the extreme form of self denial when you do without meat, caffeine, alcohol, drugs and sex). The Independent for one has had enough: it has demanded an -ism schism. (See alsowasm.)

KENTUCKY-FRIED GEORGIAN adj. Stone-clad, satellite dish-covered, mock-Georgian fronted and UPVC-window-framed: it is the conservationist's nightmare home. Michael Howard, when Home Secretary, promised to resist the nasty "KFG" look. Maybe that's why his party lost the election . . .

LIGGERATI n. pl. That group of socialite hangers-on who tend to be omnipresent at all those showbiz parties that end up in gossip columns and magazine picture spreads. A ligger, in the music business, is a freeloader who seeks to gain free entry to concerts and parties; this bunch extend the habit to premieres, book launches and anywhere else there's a free glass of 'poo. Lately, journoliggers too have been spotted, according to the Daily Telegraph.

LOOKISM n. The practice of judging people by their looks, which followed racism, sexism and ageism to become a nineties form of unwelcome discrimination. In California, Santa Cruz city council even sought to outlaw lookism in 1993, on the grounds that some folks should not fare worse than others merely because they were "cosmetically challenged".

MANIMAL n. Tabloid-speak for the humanised animal that some scientists predict will soon result from cloning experiments between animals and human genes.

NANNY-CAM n. A tiny video camera, typically concealed inside the head of a child's cuddly teddy bear, from where it spies on the nanny, au pair or childminder. If you keep finding Winnie The Pooh in the toilet bowl, the nanny has probably twigged.

NEW BLACK n. The fashionable colour of the clothing season - defined as whatever fashion hacks are calling "the new black" (as in "brown is the new black . .."). Generally any colour so long as it's not black - although we're getting reports that black is soon to be the new black . . .

OLDMOBILE n. No, not an Oldsmobile - this one is a rather different type of car, being talked about by entrepreneurs keen to profit from our increasing longevity. The new vehicles now being designed for elderly people will have easy-to-hold steering wheels and built-in eye tests, and will use radar to guide cars into parking places.

OVERCLASS n. That ultra-privileged sector of society which, from its protected suburban ghettoes, blames the underclass for all its problems. Very big among right-wingers such as the American Nicholas Lemann, who calls them the "credentialed elite".

PARACHUTE KID n. A teenager from a wealthy family, often in the Far East, who is sent abroad for a cushier and less pressured education. A South Korean, for instance, might go to the US, or a Taiwanese to London, where they may try to settle and avoid military service and other disadvantages of their home country. Why the name? Because their high-achieving mums and dads who put them up to it are known as astronaut parents.

PENTURBIA n. The reborn version of suburbia, where people attempt to rebuild a sense of community in a rural setting far away from urban alienation. Described by Jack Lessinger, a Seattle demographer who coined the term, as an enclave too far away from a city to be sucked into the suburban sprawl.

POLENTA-BELT n. Those aspiring circles (postcodes generally N1 or W11) determinedly ahead of culinary trends. Unwise to bring Le Piat D'Or to a dinner party here.

POST-BACKLASH n, adj. That current stage of the feminism debate exemplified by once-again-proud exponents such as Naomi Wolf and Katie Roiphe. According to those who know, the post-backlash era replaces that of victim feminism. And just as you were coming to terms with the pre-post-backlash . . .

REDUX n. Funny how a forgotten word can become all the rage: recently the Guardian has talked of John Major's "Macmillan Redux" and of "Jimmy Carter Redux", and the New Yorker of "Opium War Redux". First used in 1662, and meaning restored to an earlier healthy state, redux has lately experienced its own redux.

RETROISM n. The tendency, in fashion and music, towards what was hip some time ago. The term has led to retro-chic , or retro-hip, that trendy pursuit of all things nostalgic: it's why flares and Parkas come and go in and out of fashion, and why whatever you're wearing today, however unkempt, will someday be the sharpest style statement imaginable. Although not, possibly, with that brown stain you've left down the front . . .

SUBSTAIN v. To move back to the land, towards more locally-governed, self-sufficient units of society. A small-is-beautiful version of sustainability, which our road-protest friend Swampy explains will lead to a land "where rustic communities look after themselves, governing themselves, growing their own food".

TIME DEBT n. The new burden on well-to-do careerist parents: they may have the cash to finance the lifestyle, but are increasingly cutting out quality time with the kids. This debt is the one that hurts.

TORONTO BLESSING n. Among evangelical Christians, this is the fashionable mass prayer experience that, as a frantic dance-step, is to the 1990s what the Birdie Song was to the 1980s. Like the latter it can make you ill - but is it all just mass hysterics, as the Dean of Worcester claims?

WASM n. An -ism that no longer is. It's the term coined by the Economist for all those dead ideologies - from communism to Gaullism and socialism - that we've had to learn to abandon in the nineties.

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 11 - Jargon and euphemism

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 11: JARGON AND EUPHEMISM


How to avoid saying what you mean

ACCIDENT n. A word which no longer exists, according to America's national Highway Safety Administration. "Continuation of the use of this word, in lieu of 'crash', works against a public perception of the preventability of injuries and fatalities in the highway environment," according to a memo from its boss. So, very deliberately, accidents will officially no longer happen.

AERODYNAMIC PERSONNEL DECELERATOR n. A parachute, in the latest example of US military gobbledegook. Also beware a vertically deployed anti-personnel device, which might just look like a bomb.

AID-IN-DYING n. One of the new euphemisms for euthanasia, a term far too politically loaded to be used in its own right. Some proponents have been using more elaborate circumlocutions: favourite ones lately include physician-assisted death, and even end-of-life decision-making.

AMBIENT REPLENISHMENT OPPORTUNITY n. A shelf-stacking job - as advertised on the noticeboard at Safeways in Stockport. The most absurdly over-euphemised job title of the decade?

BINOCULAR DEPRIVATION n. euph. How scientists who perform experiments on animals neatly euphemise the sewing closed of cats' eyes, as described in a Wisconsin journal. Vivisection is an emotional issue, and so language has to be designed to hide that. That's why, in the scientists' discourse, animlas are not burned, but "sustain a thermal injury"; and animals given electric shocks, which cry out and try to escape, are (according to the journal Physiology and Behaviour, "react(ing) to adverse stimulation with vigorous motor and vocal response".

BLAM n. acr. The Barrel-Launched Adaptive Munition, a newly developed "smart" bullet that can pursue its target in various directions. A fundamental development: for the military-industrial-jargonisation complex has finally come up with an acronym that's fun.

BUDGET REINFORCEMENT n. Tax. A useful political euphemism, coined by the Swedish finance ministry, which recently announced big cuts in spending and big rises in taxes. Sorry, in budget reinforcements.

CARE, SPECTRUM OF v. What replaced care in the community for mentally ill people as John Major's government realised that programme wasn't proving too popular. So his Health Secretary, Stephen Dorrell, decided radically to change his phrase, sorry, his policy.

CLINICAL OUTCOME INDICATOR n. Your chance of dying in the new, market-led, jargon-heavy National Health Service. It's the term managers use when referring to the numbers of deaths in each hospital. This might hurt a little . . .

CONCERNED WITH THE DRINKS INDUSTRY adj. euph. Drunk. A euphemism invented when the MP George Foulkes was found with a rather high level of alcohol in his blood. Don't call him drunk, implored his lawyer, Stephen Pollard; it was merely that his client was attending a whisky party "as befits an MP concerned with the blending industry". Let's increase our concern with the whisky industry to that, as they say.

DESIGN SIDE EFFECT n. euph. What Bill Gates' technogeeks at Microsoft are allowed to call a defect in company products. Also officially tolerated are the euphemisms that describe systems failures as issues , known issues or intermittent issues, and even as undocumented behaviour. Absolutely not permitted is the word bug, a term a spokesman claims is too "complex" for the company's official language. The company's addiction to euphemism has created a new language called Microspeak, says the New York Times - which may bug a few people in Seattle.

DISINTERMEDIATION n. The decade's ugliest new word: it is an Internet term for the removal of middlemen from an electronic transaction. Without getting tedious, it involves an extranet, a linked network of computers shared between customers and suppliers. Uh-oh, we just got tedious.

DOWNSIZING v. This euphemism does not just mean throwing employees out of work - it also now means throwing Rolos out of packets. It's the current trend towards quietly reducing the size of your chocolate bars. That way they don't seem to be getting more expensive.

EMERGENCY DEPLOYMENT AND READINESS EXERCISE n. mil. A military attack - at least, that's the phrase the US Army used to justify the night-time invasion of Panama that gave General Noriega the chance to listen to a few heavy-metal hits (just a mop-up and stability operation, in the Pentagon's poetic words). That was also the invasion that popularised the timeless phrase, collateral damage. In other words, 400 civilian deaths.

ENABLER n. The hierarchically-challenged person's new role in these post-PC times. A teacher, rather than actively shape students' learning, will enable them to fulfil their potential; museum curators are now enablers who would not dare impart their own impressions to the visitor. And what you are reading now is not a definition, but an enabling mechanism to help you decide what this jargon means.

ENERGY n. euph. As in British Energy - a friendly, safe-sounding concept that appears at first glance to have nothing whatsoever to do with the nuclear industry. Ignore the fact that the phrase "British Energy" might be a replacement term for British Nuclear Fuels: that sort of language has too many bad undertones (remember Windscale?).

ENTERPRISE (WITHOUT HELP) v. tr. What used to be the verb "to leak". That was until the copier company Xerox explained that the untimely appearance of its new digital publishing strategy in the international press was not a leak. It was "enterprised without our help".

EXPERIENCED adj. Second-hand. Stooz Records in New York has been advertising that it stocks "experienced vinyl" - meanwhile a Wisconsin farming newspaper has listed for sale "experienced tractors and combines". Worked it out yet? Yes, more euphemisms for second-hand. See also pre-loved.

FISCAL UNDERACHIEVER n. A poor person, in economists' current jargon. The Plain English people have their eyes on other modern gems, from the hexiform rotatable surface compression unit (a steel nut), to the wooden interdental stimulators that American Airlines passengers are given to pick food from between their teeth, and the customer conveyance mobile lounge. That, of course, is an airport lounge. And, with that, we end this computer-generated verbal conglomeration communications module.

HEADROOM n. What water companies choose to call profits when more direct language might prove embarrassing. The word surfaced before the National Consumer Council reported that domestic bills have in fact risen by 67 per cent since 1989.

HRP n. euph. What used to be called a body bag, until the Pentagon decided that made it sound as if there were actual dead bodies within them. So when Saddam started causing US troops some trouble in Kuwait, it renamed them human remains pouches (as if pouches are just another extension of a soldier's kit), and encouraged the media to use the far less emotive shorthand of HRPs. Human remains are somewhat more difficult, but expect any time now a Pentagon clarification that pouches will henceforth contain surplus operations theatre apparatus...

IMMEDIATE PERMANENT INCAPACITATION n. Another classic from the US Army. This is what the Pentagon warns its soldiers may result from a whiff of nerve gas - that's death to you and me.

INCIDENT n. euph. The transport industry's favourite euphemism. Depending on where you are, it means an Underground train delayed by a pigeon, or a Channel Tunnel train set alight while deep underground. The latter proved a perfect occasion for those who invent euphemisms for a living - and here we celebrate Eurotunnel co-chairman Robert Malpas, who denied when there was a fire on a cross-Channel train that the safety mechanisms had not worked. "I wouldn't say they don't seem to have worked," he told the BBC. "They don't seem to have been applied at the time in the way one might have expected." Clear?

INTER-ENTITY BOUNDARY n. euph. A euphemism the warring parties in former Yugoslavia signed up to - because the folk who drafted the Dayton Agreement could not bring themselves to use that delicate word partition.

INTERGRANULAR STRESS-CORROSION CRACKING n. A harmless-sounding euphemism for something that went wrong in a tube in Oregon, US, and caused a small, er, leak. What kind of tube? Ah. You'll have to ask the Trojan Nuclear Plant for the full details.

LIFE n. An emergent property which manifests itself when physio-chemical systems are organised and interact in particular ways. At least, that's the definition the Archbishop of York, John Habgood, gave at an august conference held by the British Association. Who said the Church is out of touch with the real world?

MEDICAL NURSING STAFF n. The less embarrassing way to refer to NHS managers - as the Government has decided there are too many of them. Again, the solution is ingenious: simply change their "occupation codings".

MILITARY OPERATION n. euph. Whatever Boris Yeltsin wants it to mean. When a Russian commander recently reported clashes in five Chechen villages, Mr Yeltsin insisted that "no military operations had been carried out". So that means the clashes couldn't have happened. All clear?

MISSIONARY TO THE PRE-BORN n. The job-description of the hip anti-abortion, pro-life activist. Currently euphemising the issue wherever abortion politics are getting ugly.

MORPHOGENIC FIELD n. The basis of a new scientific theory, linked, of course, to the quantum gravitational field, which - as you will know - confirms the psychoanalytic theories of Jacques Lacan. At least, you will know all this if you have read a recent edition of the cultural-studies journal Social Text, which printed a long paper on it by New York physicist Alan Sokal, full of words like counterhegemonic and transformative hermeneutics. And if that all sounds like a hoax, it was - designed by Sokal to parody the jargon of lit crit, and one which made a laughing stock of the cultural-studies experts who hadn't seemed to notice.

NBC SUIT n. euph. Yet another classic Pentagon euphemism. It might sound like something worn as a guest on an entertaining TV network; it's actually clothing worn in a nuclear, biological and chemical attack. Gee, guys, makes Saddam's threats sound like a fun-loving game show.

NEGATIVE GROSS PROFITn. Loss - as euphemised by Calgene, a genetics company, in a quarterly financial report. That way, shareholders might not be too distressed . . .

NEGATIVELY IMPACTED PROFITABILITY n. A similar euphemism, again designed to hide from shareholders the fact that not all is not necessarily well. This is what Ross Buckland, chief executive of the Unigate group, told shareholders had resulted from one of the company's less successful activities. Could he, by any chance, mean a "loss"?

NON-HEART-BEATING DONOR n. That euphemistic state of health recently described in the British Medical Journal for its heavily jargon-sedated subscribers. Also known as "dead". Why won't anyone call a corpse a corpse any more?

NUCLEAR LEVY n. The tax in your electriticy bill that Michael Heseltine promised would disappear come nuclear privatisation. Except it didn't. So Heseltine explained using the semantics of the euphemiser: "The nuclear element of the levy will cease," he said. "The continuing charge will be to make up arrears." So a levy remained a levy.

PASSENGER FACILITY CHARGE euph. What the city of Austin, Texas, calls the sum of $3 it now demands from every passenger flying through its airport. It would be far too unpopular to call it a tax. Likewise, the state of Minnesota has at a pinch abolished its state unemployment tax. According to the state's Department of Revenue handbook, it now collects a re-employment insurance tax. It's the same tax, but suddenly it's constructive, regenerative, and, well, euphemised.

PRE-DAWN VERTICAL INSERTION n. euph. An airborne invasion of a foreign state - as coined by the US Pentagon when it dropped soldiers into Grenada. No, vicar, nothing to do with that sort of thing.

PRE-ENJOYED adj. euph. Second-hand - one of a collection of recent euphemisms to have emerged. As in the computer advertisement placed by a company called Mad Macs, "where the pre-enjoyed Macs are . . .".

PRE-NEED COUNSELOR (sic) n. Someone who helps you prepare for slumber in eternal repose. A funeral director, in the current jargon.

PREVIOUSLY CARED FOR adj. Another synonym for pre-loved, pre-used, pre-owned or pre-enjoyed: This one was used by a Covent Garden shop to describe second-hand jeans. Presumably these are what one wears while sitting in the pre-driven Cadillacs now for sale across the Atlantic.

REAL-TIME PRECIPITATION SITUATION n. euph. Rain; just as a re-utilisation marketing yard is a junkyard. Both terms are current examples of verbal hyperbole superfluous intrapositioning syndrome, that tendency to invent important-sounding phrases for the most banal aspects of life.

RECEIVE CONTRIBUTIONS v. To sell - at least if you're portraying yourself as a charitable non-capitalist. At the UN Population Conference, the designer headscarves that were on display next to the cash register were not actually for sale. "We don't like to use the word sell," euphemised the elegant vendor. "People make 'voluntary contributions' (ie $30 a scarf)."

RETAIL INSTALLATION n. A shop. It's the current euphemism in places like London's Soho, where entrepreneurs believe themselves to be too trendy merely to encourge shopping.

SIDEWALK COUNSELLING v. How the American anti-abortion lobby now describes its demonstrations outside abortion clinics - intended to "counsel" women to change their minds. As demonstrators' counselling skills stretch to screaming, threatening and intimidating, we can safely assume this is a euphemism.

SITE n. A hospital with no patients. You see, the Health Department has ordered civil servants to "nuance" the closure of hospitals. They must refer to the "closure of 'most of the Bart's site' rather than to the hospital". Feel better?

TACTICALLY ADVANTAGEOUS SITUATION n. What the Bosnian Serbs gained on the hills around Sarajevo during the fighting to controlthe city, according to Cdr Barry Frewer of the UN Protection Force there. Not, you understand, an actual siege. Such language might slow down the diplomatic peace process . . .

TASK COMPLETION WISHFUL THINKING SYNDROME n. jarg. A form of behaviour discovered after five years of research by Dr Dale Griffin of Sussex University. In non-academic language, it means that projects tend to take longer than you expect.

TOY SOLDIER n. euph. A jolly euphemism from the former Yugoslavia used to describe the landmines that are killing and maiming indiscriminately. It was described by the American Dialect Society as the year's "most outrageous new word". The society also had some fun with urban camping - the practice of living in a city as homeless - and food insecure, the term for a nation where starvation is rife.

VOLUNTARY LABOUR n. euph. What the good people of Burma - or Myanmar, as the military regime ruling that country would prefer to have it called - contributed to Visit Myanmar Year. Forget the presence of the odd persuasive rifle in their vicinity; all those workers who were busy building tourist attractions around the country were "contributing their voluntary labour happily", according to the generals' Law and Order Restoration Council.

WELCOME STATION n. euph. A toll booth, according to the powers that be in Salt Lake City, Utah. City hall obviously thinks visitors will come away thinking they've been greeted with open arms when asked to pay $2.25 for the privilege of passing through. Can anyone out-euphemise the Americans?

WET DEPOSITION n. euph. A harmless-sounding euphemism for acid rain - the term employed by the US Environmental Protection Agency. Presumably it offends fewer political sensibilities by making serious pollution sound as gently soothing as a steamed-up window.

WILDLIFE CONSERVATION PARK n. What used to be called a "zoo", a term now considered by the New York Zoological Society to be offensive to animals. It is, after all, defined in dictionaries as "a place marked by rampant confusion and disorder". So the Bronx Zoo is now the Bronx International Wildlife Conservation Park.

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 10 - Sport and leisure

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 10: SPORT AND LEISURE


The spare-time stuff, from skateboarding to new music

BONGO n. A head injury, in UK skateboarders' slang. That's not all: a swellbow is a swollen elbow, a woodrash an injury from riding a wooden ramp, and a light graze a raspberry (because it looks like one). And if it's big, the graze is a pizza or a Big Mac - as it resembles hamburger relish. The slang may even be more entertaining than the skating.

FUSILATELIST n. A collector of that fashionable new icon, the other type of valuable plastic card you keep in your wallet. Phonecard? That'll do nicely, especially if you're among the estimated 10,000 to 15,000 British collectors who have paid up to £3,000 for the things. See also telegerist, below.

GACK v. Another colourful term used by British skateboarders. This one means to smoke. They also call a nerd a dwid, a weak skater moulded, and a young hanger-on a grommit.

HARDBAG adj. That section of a record shop where the musical style "handbag" house (house for more mainstream people, ie the sort that dance around handbags) meets "hardcore". Not a Eurovision favourite.

HERBAL HIGH n. A leisure drug, sold as a legal alternative to ecstasy and cannabis, that has belatedly come to the attention of government ministers. So they're banning them.

KEY adj. Our final homage to skateboarding. This is what London skateboarders call a cool move - what used to be known as rad or rip. Likewise, an uncool move - or excessive boasting about your cool move - is definitely unkey, or, one stage worse, monkey.

LEISURE BOX n. The latest "entertainment experience" investors believe will attract our disposable income in future years: the units (that's you and me) go there to watch a film, buy fast-food, maybe even dance. On the edge of a town near you. It is also known as a leisure canape - because you pick and choose little nuggests of entertainment, rather than a single main-course dish for the evening.

MEGAPLEX n. A multiplex with a superiority complex: this is a cinema complex with at least 18 screens, and they're coming to Stockholm, Barcelona and Madrid by the millennium.

REVIRGINIZATION n. The process by which professional ice skaters were declared "amateurs" so that they could compete in the 1994 Olympic Games. But why stop there? We still lack a term for the growth in celibacy among the Aids-terrified generation . . .

ROLLER-RAGER n. A participant in the latest urban sport: bombing through city parks on speeding in-line skates. First spotted in an anguished Times letter, and no doubt related to road rage, another mobile nineties obsession.

SHREDHEAD n. A keen follower of the booming macho sport of ski-boarding, currently spreading across the world's ski resorts. The trouble is, skiers keep getting in the way - hence a new concern to establish a shrediquette that sets out the rights-of-way rules.

SKITCH v., n. The increasingly popular urban sport of holding on to a moving vehicle while wearing in-line skates. Advantages: bus fare not required, plus radically reduced journey time. Disadvantages: er, radically reduced lifespan . . .

TECHSTIVAL n. An unofficial free party where your ears are liable to be troubled by techno music. Overheard at a recent techno-music festival put on by Tribal Gathering.

TELEGERIST n. A competitor to fusilatelist. If our culture has deemed to make telephone-card collecting such a valued pastime, then presumably we should allow our language to evolve a few words for such a collector. Though what was wrong with 10p pieces . . . ?

TOMBSTONE v. To play the latest tough sport for those who think that bungee-jumping is for softies. You jump off cliffs into the sea from ever-higher points. It's big in places like Brixham. Take some spare legs.

WILDER v. int. The new weekend hobby for urban cocooners who dream of going rural. Wildering involves taking four-wheel drives to Sainsbury's and wearing country plaids for your trip on the Tube train.

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 9 - Business and finance

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 9: BUSINESS AND FINANCE


How money talks

AUDIT n. What used to be called a quick check, but much more expensive. It started with the process that financial accounts underwent; but now every business feels the need to hire expensive consultants to perform environmental audits, transparency audits, stress audits and, no doubt, toilet-paper-in-the-mens'-room audits. There, that definitional audit will be £25,000, please.

BIMBO n. No longer merely the airhead who dogs politicians' lives; now also part of the respectable jargon of business. Remember the eighties trend for management buy-outs (in which a company's directors buy up the stock) and buy-ins (in which outsiders gain control)? More and more companies are now going half-way, so a bimbo is the middle ground between buy-in and buy-out.

BLUE POUND n. The part of the economy generated by pornography. Not to be confused with the pink pound (qv).

BOXSHIFTER n. A pile-em-high, sell-em-quick retailer, particularly in the computer sector. As in: "We can't honour your warranty, sir, we're just a boxshifter."

BUSINESS BONDAGE n. The means by which a company ensures that staff are unable, through contractual reasons, to leave for a better job. This is typically achieved by attaching golden handcuffs to their employment contract: a financial incentive that they will lose if they leave.

CASH OPERATION PROFIT n. euph. A massive financial loss. At least, that's how Sir Alastair Morton, co-chairman of Eurotunnel, described his company's £925 million loss a couple of years ago. The figure, he said, actually represented the success story of having "reached a cash operation profit"'. And so we give our fullest congratulations for this startling achievement.

CORRECTION n. What the US stock market recently underwent, when a sudden 7.1 per cent price fall produced excessive sweat under the executive collar. Business journalists did not dare use such emotive words as crash or plunge ; instead they discussed the correction, disruption, and volatility. Far less costly.

DEAD MOUSE BOUNCE sl. Originally there was the dead cat bounce , City slang for the tendency of shares to do what a cat does when thrown out of a high window: fall until it hits the bottom, and then bounce up just a bit before falling back again. This variation was the way a French city trader described the movement of EuroDisney shares, at a time when they sank and then suddenly rose spectacularly. Investors ditched their shares but then scrambled to buy them back again: proving that chez Donald et Mickey was not quite a dead duck.

DIGITAL HYGIENE n. jarg. We're not exactly sure what this one means, but we do know that the London Stock Exchange has warned dealers that "good digital hygiene" is the way to minimise the risk of a "viral invasion". It might involve ensuring their PCs have filters against computer viruses; or we might have completely misunderstood, in which case please re-file this under the Health chapter . . .

EMPOWER v. What every nineties manager claims to be doing to the staff. It generally involves telling everyone in the office that they ought to be using the word empowered a great deal, and does not, of course, involve giving them any power.

EXPOSURE n. A company's possible loss of an unbelievably large sum of money - a recession-generated euphemism to make it easier to break the news to the shareholders (as in "Barclays Bank, Rosehaugh's main creditor with an exposure of £75 million, will announce the appointment of a receiver today . . ."). Plenty more such phrases, no doubt, to follow.

GREENSCAM v. To establish a supposedly grassroots environmental movement that actually represents commercial interests. They have names such as the American Environmental Foundation (a Florida organisation that defends property rights) and the Global Climate Coalition (commercial interests that seek to avoid laws that would cut global warming).

HARDNOSE (THROUGH) v. What British bosses must do when they're paid unfathomable amounts of money, according to Howard Davies, former chief of the CBI.

HOLD v. euph. A City term which means sell, except sell has the negative connotation that a stock is unwanted. So in 1993 a number of market analysts decided they would overcome this awkwardness and officially say they were "holding" stocks when previously they had talked of "selling" them. Then, once the masses got wind of what they were doing, they started talking about a "strong hold". Finally they decide that, regarding dodgy shares, they would be "aggressively neutral". Not a comfortable position to hold.

HORSEBLANKET n., jarg. In the jargon of management consultancy, this seems to mean "an overall strategic plan for business revitalisation, shown on one large diagram (about the size of a horseblanket)". That's how Gemini Consulting put it - and why should we argue with fluff so meaningless that it won them the Financial Times's Business Jargon Competition?

HOTEL v. To rent out a building for very short periods in the absence of a long-term tenant. NatWest Bank, for instance, sees hotelling as a neat way of filling up its London tower, letting out parts of it for as little as a month at a time. Breakfast not included.

HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER n. What used to be called a personnel officer, before the nineties company decided that humans should be thought of as just another resource, along with PCs, paperclips and post-rooms. The management of human resources, naturally enough, may lead to delayering, delevelling, de-jobbing, etc. (qv).

INTEREST-RATE HOLIDAY n. euph. A rather sunny-sounding solution for an acute financial crisis. It's what Eurotunnel went on when it found it rather difficult to repay its £8 billion debt; ie the banks let it off the hook for a while. But this was no fortnight's delight; it was expected to last 18 months.

INTRAPRENEUR n. Business types who direct their enterprise from within existing firms, rather than start their own. Psychologists say they're less in need of proving themselves than entrepreneurs, though they're still only happy when they've got to the top.

IRISHISEv. To re-invent a business (especially a pub) with an Irish or mock-Irish theme. Spot them by the leprechauns in the window display, the O-apostrophe attached in front of the old name, and the loud protests from local residents.

PHANTOM SHARE n. For the top boss who has everything. These shares don't actually exist, but the boss is rewarded as if they did. So with no time wasted buying and selling, executives are free to ponder issues of social justice.

RECEIVABLES n. pl. Money owed to a business for a product or service it has supplied. Until it is paid the cash flow suffers. It's not quite a bad debt, but until it comes in it's not an asset either.

REDENOMINATION n. econ. The lopping-off of a few zeros from your currency to try to make people forget how weak it is. Russia did it on December 31 1997, when the rouble ws trading at about 6,000 to the dollar. Redenomination instantly turned the rate to 6 to the dollar. Of course, the rouble in your pocket has not been devalued - well, apart from the loss of three noughts . . .

SUNRISE INDUSTRY n. The type of manufacturing business which is on the up: it generally makes electronic components, robots, silicon chips, or other high-tech goods on which the economic sun is increasingly shining. Named in contrast to the sunset industries of the seventies and eighties, from coal to steel.

TENPERCENTARY n. sl. In the latest West Coast slang, a Hollywood agent - ten per cent being the going rate they charge their clients.

VIRTUAL COMPANY n. A business whose every aspect is run by independent suppliers. A sneaker company, for instance, might buy in its shoes from someone else's factory, advertise them through someone else's agency, sell them in someone else's store, and work out profits through someone else's accounting firm. That leaves one very rich boss with time to play golf, and possibly a rather trendy logo.

VULTURE CAPITALISTn. An investor who takes a considerable risk with their funds, in return for an excessive rate of return. An American coinage that's been around for 20 years or so, it has been given a new lease of life by the new entrepreneurs servicing the negative-equity generation.

WIMBLEDONISATION n. The process whereby a British industry makes itself as attractive as possible to sell itself to a world market - and even lets the foreigners win. It started with the tennis tournament, which sought to entice the world's best players, and has now spread to high finance. As Douglas Hurd defines it, it means the conditions that have allowed foreign banks to own a controlling interest in the City of London.


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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 8 - Media and publishing

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 8: MEDIA AND PUBLISHING


How the communications industries try to communicate

ACTEME n. For those not yet fully post-modern, this is the new term - as described by the writer Gilbert Adair - to mean "a single narrative unit or chunk in a (not necessarily) fictional discourse" that stays in your mind and "resonates". It is what those awful modern novelists apparently lack. By contrast, Arnold Schwarzenegger is "a living, breathing acteme".

AGA SAGA n. lit. The literary form that owes much to Joanna Trollope, whose bourgeois heroines live in idyllic Cotswold cottages and tend to find romance amid the Aga stoves of domestic bliss. Not many orgasms, but plenty of wholesome recipes.

AUDIOTEXT n. The realm of entertainment - or soft porn - inhabited by telephone numbers beginning 0898, 0891, etc. Silky Suspenders and Share My Fantasy now sound a lot more respectable as part of a medium known as audiotext - and it sure beats telling people you work in the telephone-sex industry.

AUTOPATHOGRAPHY n. That literary variation of autobiography (as named in Time Out) which seems to be swamping the bookshelves. From Ben Watt's book about his auto-immune disorder to Robert McCrum's tome about his stroke, the I've-been-ill confession is the current big thing. And if you find reading them traumatic, you could always write about that.

BARNEY SLUG n. The extremely young form of couch potato. It comes from the States, where a popular kids' TV programme, Barney & Friends, has been gluing young eyes to the screen. Barney is a purple dinosaur who, presumably, will soon be turning your own children into slugs.

BITRAKING n. comp. The on-line version of investigative journalism: a combination of bit and muckraking. Newly fashionable as mainstream publications appoint cybercorrespondents to find stories on the Net, and exemplified by the scandal-monger Matt Drudge, whose Website did so much to damage Bill Clinton.

BROADLOID n. sl. A serious newspaper - the sort that you'd call a broadsheet - except that it chooses a tabloid format. The term was recently used in discussions of what could become of the Independent. Now all we need is for someone to coin the term tabsheet (oops, just done it).

CHICK-FLICK n. A film designed to appeal to women - The First Wives Club, for instance, or Heathers. Hollywood insiders' slang for the mid-nineties moneyspinner.

CHIPPINESS n. The tendency to wear a chip on one's shoulder, a media term enjoying vogue thanks to Andrew Neil's single-handed efforts to evoke it. The editors of both the Guardian and the Telegraph cited the man's chippiness when reviewing his autobiography. Indeed, the term could prove Mr Neil's enduring legacy to English letters.

EDUTAINMENTn. Computer animation, video games - anything that makes educational messages palatable. And according to film producer David Puttnam, schools are about to be flooded with the stuff, which is seen as an ideal vehicle for commercial messages.

ELECTRONICALLY REDLINE v. To cable up the information superhighway so that it avoids the less than super-low-income areas. The cables, you see, don't cross over to the red-contoured parts of the city, so only the rich can use the new cable phone, TV and Internet services. Politicians are now waking up to electronic redlining , with red faces in telecom company HQs.

FACTOID n. TV news presented in tabloid form, currently used on CNN to describe those items that make soundbites appear complex. This usage has modified the word's earlier meaning (coined by Norman Mailer in 1973) of journalistic "facts" of spurious origin.

FROTHBUSTER n. lit. The new type of fiction that is currently heading up the best-seller lists. Rather than romantic, glamorous heroines, this genre prefers anxious, cynical, unfulfilled women characters. Spot them by the man worries and the food obsession. Also called a fluffbuster.

GANS n. In the slang of tabloid newspaper photographers, this is the club they claim to belong to when they are in trouble. Gans stands for the "Give-us-A-Negative Society" to which they belong once they have missed that snap of Fergie's toe or Ulrika sunbathing. When the snapper shouts "Gans!" to more astute colleagues, a pledge is made to return the favour.

GOAT-FUCK n. sl. That media creation which gained sudden fame in the Redwood/Major leadership race. It's the army of camera crews, reporters and sound recordists that besiege a newsmaker, which resembles in its animated confusion nothing less than a bunch of copulating beasts . No, nothing to do with bestiality, darling.

GOREFEST n. The genre of nasty videos which involve a generous number of mutilations, decapitations and other cheap and gruesome forms of bloodshed. The trade nowadays also talks of chop-sockeys: these are much of the same kind of thing but with a Bruce Lee-ish flavour. Happy viewing.

HORMONE DRAMA n. A television series, usually a US import, designed to attract viewers not through dramatic interest but through its glamorous cast. As in "ITV is to drop the popular hormone drama Beverly Hills 90210 from its schedules because its storylines are to become too adult . . ." (The Stage).

INFOTAINMENTn. Entertainment dressed up as informative programming: it's how the broadcasters justify those gory reconstructions of violent crimes, or that footage of motorway crashes screened under the pretext of making you a more careful driver. Well, it's in the public interest, innit?

MAINSTREAM v. In journalism, to quote people from as many groups as possible so that your stories overcome prejudice that's racial, sexual, ageist, etc. Mainstreaming, increasingly the appropriate thing in US publications, keeps minorities in the mainstream. Also known as diversity-insourcing.

MEDIAGENIC adj. Able to communicate well, through all forms of mass media. A development of telegenic, but the all-round skill is more important to today's politician in delivering the message.

MEME n. A unit of cultural ideas or meanings that spreads quickly throughout society, paticularly through the media. Memes carry information that varies from fashionable ways to wear a T-shirt, to newspaper obsessions with religious symbols appearing in sliced tomatos. The term was coined by the geneticist Richard Dawkins.

MEDIA VIRUS n. The particular type of meme (qv) that obsesses the media. The modern-day media obsession reproduces so quickly and effectively that it spreads like a virus through the datasphere, in the terms Douglas Rushkoff coined in his book Media Virus!. So when one paper decides toe-sucking is the trend of the moment, expect the fad to spread rapidly to all the others.

MOCKUMENTARY n. The mocking form of documentary filmmaking, exemplified by Michael Moore's Roger and Me, about his attempts to interview the head of General Motors.

MONSTERING n. A severe telling-off, especially in the media world (also known as a bollocking). Favoured by types such as David Montgomery of Mirror Group Newspapers, said recently to have given a "Hitlerian monstering" to a quivering employee.

MORPH v., n. To manipulate an image using a computer so that it ends up looking like something entirely different. Tony Blair might gradually become Margaret Thatcher, or Noel Gallagher could turn in to John Lennon. And as it happens over a series of images, the transition can look ominously believable.

MULTIPLEX n. It used to be a group of screens in a cinema; now it's a package of channels in a digital-television bid. Keep up, now.

MUNDIMEDIA adj., n. The mundane antidote to multimedia. The industry spent billions developing innovative and groundbreaking multimedia games and tools, but then discovered that many consumers prefer established technology. Why read a CD-Rom when a book is easier to carry?

NARROWCAST v. The variant of radio broadcasting born of the "selective targeting" of local channels in the nineties. Narrowcasting relies on identifying small but more loyal audiences, perhaps linked by a love of folk music or of Elvis.

NEWSCAKE n. A newsreader, as recorded by Vanity Fair magazine, known not merely for journalistic skill, but also cheesecake good looks.

OJ n. Not a Simpson, not even a soft drink, but the latest in talk-show hosts. The online jockey hosts discussions on the Internet. Just like the video jockey (VJ) and the disc jockey (DJ) before.

PARTISAN TV n. The latest trend in TV talk shows, in which the host's extreme prejudices matter more than the guests. Left-of-centre presenters out to offend New York partisan TV audiences have recently included Jesse Jackson and, on the far right, Rush Limbaugh, now notorious for radio talk-shows spiced with attacks on "feminazis", "compassion nazis" and other pink liberals.

PILGER v. A verb invented by the journalist Auberon Waugh (and with it, pilgerism, pilgerisation and pilgerish), that the Oxford Dictionary of New Words defined as conducting journalism "emotionally and with little regard for factual detail". Trouble is, the man the term was named for - journalist John Pilger - took exception, and Oxford decided to rethink. So for the moment, in case a libel write arrives, we'll just leave you to define this one yourself . . .

PIXELGRAPH n. A digitally altered photograph: you take an image made up of electronic "pixels" (picture elements), and make whatever you want from it. "Created actuality", as the New York Times calls it.

PLUGFEST n. A major media opportunity (such as Radio 4's Start The Week) to plug your new book mercilessly. Unless the spite outdoes the puffery, as with Melvyn Bragg's recent utterances, when it becomes what Sunday newspapers now call a slugfest.

PREQUEL n. A story or drama episode that post-hoc rationalises the de-facto a priori. In other words, a sequel in reverse: this one goes backwards in time to fill in the plot, giving extra episodes or chapters to the hungry punter. If Only Fools and Horses, for instance, ended with the Trotters as millionaires, why not give the braying public a prequel that follows their early years?

PROF, PROF OFF v. To silence a radio talk-show caller by using a time-delay mechanism. Most commonly done because the caller decides to utter a profanity - hence the prof. And all the listener hears is a jingle and an interrupted phone call.

PUC n. acr. A Previously Unknown Child, in the current slang of Hollywood soap-opera writers. So many PUCs are being written into tired plots that they needed such a shorthand term - aptly, it's pronounced "puke".

RAGGLE-TAGGLE adj. The fashionable way to dismiss any diverse group of policital protestors. Popularised by the Sun, which saw the poll-tax rioters as a "raggle-taggle army of Toytown Trots", but now favoured by all of middle England's preferred tabloids.

REALITY TV n. The type of low-budget television in which "real people" are given a camcorder to record video diaries of "ordinary life". Such "home movies" have become a staple of nineties television, partly no doubt because we are all nosy as hell.

ROOFTOP JOURNALISM n. That unsatisfactory trend in television news-reporting identified by war correspondent-turned-MP Martin Bell. The journalist spends all day hanging around a satellite dish on a rooftop, waiting to give updates on a story, and never has time to go out and actually cover the story.

SHOCKUMENTARY n. Yet another variation on the documentary, this one pretending no higher moral purpose than blatant plundering of ratings. The logic: viewers are shocked by footage of people jumping to their deaths from burning buildings, police shoot-outs and animal predators ripping apart other creatures of the wild. And when viewers are shocked, they do tend to keep watching.

SIGNATHON n. A mass book-signing by a group of authors, in the publishing phenomenon that became popular around 1997. The sensitive bunch - the collective pronoun would be a "paragraph of authors", or a "paranoia of authors", according to the Daily Telegraph - then take their pens, and their anxieties, from shop to shop.

SOAPUMENTARY n. That new but already outgoing aspect of nineties television culture exemplified by The Living Soap and other "fly-on-the-wall" tales that do tend to go on. Not to be confused with shockumentary, the mockumentary, or the soap-on-a-rope.

STRATEGIC RERUN n. Television programmes that, according to Will Wyatt of the BBC, "will bear a second life on the channel for those who missed them". These are, of course, what used, in a more embarrassing manner, to be called "repeats".

SUBSIDY PUBLISHING euph. The new, ego-neutral way to talk about vanity publishing. As the ads put it, Does Your Book Deserve Publishing? Of course it does; though you will have to, er, subsidise the process.

TITTYTAINMENT n. Television that exploits sex to gain ratings. The term originated in the States, but has now arrived in Germany, where a glut of programmes concerned with such issues as Swedish massage techniques have aroused more than the obvious. "Tittytainment", lamented the weekly newspaper Die Woche, keeps the masses quiet by feeding them the sweet milk of low-grade entertainment as though from an enormous breast.

VIDIOT n. A video-camera operator whose intrusive gyrations around a performing rock star ensure that the audience's view is obstructed and the performer's attention is merely on the lens. Current slang among roadies (as in "Now that f***ing vidiot's f***ing dancing with Jarvis ...").

WARTRAIT n. A warts-and-all portrait of a celebrity. It's the opposite to the gushing Hello! type of profile, and is on the increase among the more commercial end of publishing. Vanity Fair magazine defined the genre as hackiography.

WHOVIAN n. An obsessive fan of that dated children's television programme, Dr Who. Most Whovians are aged over 40. Not to be confused with Trekkies, obsessive fans of Star Trek. They're far older.

WOK ON THE WALL n. sl. A satellite dish, in the poetic argot of the Liverpool streets.

WOOF n. The loud applause a stand-up comedian hopes for. A favourite word of BBC warm-up comedians.

YUVVIE n. sl. The new term for a Jewish thespian, coined by Maureen Lipman as a combination of luvvie and Yid in response to Trevor Nunn's critique that the term luvvie was as offensive as Yid. Lipman's solution, she explained, "manages simultaneously to suggest upward mobility and . . . an endearing susceptibility towards chronic fatigue".

ZINE n. Almost a magazine, but one you can produce yourself, about whatever obsesses you. Definitely not about a commercial approach to income, regularity and quality of reproduction. In a radical bookshop near you now.

ZOO FORMAT n. That boisterous, exhausting aspect of contemporary media favoured by people invariably described as wacky, zany or completely insane. Increasingly popular on radio, where fiftysomething presenters believe it allows them an illusion of youth (not to be confused with yoof); or on television, where the audience joins in. Take, for example, the Rantzen Report, described in a letter to the Times as "zoo TV, tabloid TV at its worst", because audiences are "geared up to boo and hiss at the baddies".

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 7 - Advertising and marketing

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 7: ADVERTISING AND MARKETING


The new buzzwords of the hard-sell industries

ADSTURBATION n. The practise of advertisers to grab your attention by teasing you with sexy and enticing images. It's what media-sales people call the growing trend towards unnecessarily blatant come-ons when selling products from holidays to coffee. And you can guess which self-satisfying pastime the term is alluding to.

ATTITUDE n. A fizzy drink, in current marketing-speak. Here's Coca-Cola's marketing chief announcing its new drink Fruitopia (his italics): "It's not so much a product . . . as it is an attitude . . . an attitude about what people want from their beverages." Must try harder.

BOOMER BABBLE n. Jargon used by ad-execs seeking to reach the rich "baby-boomers" born between the war and the mid-1960s. In New York, one baby-boom analyst has launched a monthly Boomer Report, with features on older vanguard boomers and their children - echo boomers, part of the post-boomer birth dearth generation. (See also post-boomer.)

COLD FAX v. To send an unsolicited fax to promote a product or solicit opinions for a survey. A late variation on cold-calling.

COMPARATIVE AD n. euph. A euphemistic way of talking about an attack ad - those nasty, cynical spots on TV favoured by US politicians. By pretending they're merely comparing policies rather than attacking them, advertisers can claim they're not actually polluting the political process.

DESEASONALISATION n. The marketing industry's word for the growing practice of selling seasonal goods for weeks or months ahead. Watch out for Christmas cards entering the shops as soon as the Easter eggs finally depart.

ENHANCED UNDERWRITER ACKNOWLEDGEMENTn. America's Public Broadcasting System isn't allowed to accept adverts. The solution: don't call them adverts, but enhanced underwriter acknowledgements. You won't see any "commercials", just "acknowledgements" among the programmes that "identify" corporate products and logos to attract "additional business support". Hmm.

GRAZE v. The highly selective way to consume a diversity of newspapers, TV channels, Internet pages, magazine sections, etc, in this info-saturated media age. As the Washington Post put it, "random grazing is in". Or was it the Times of India? Or Channel 8?

GREENLASH n. An increasing awareness among consumers that many "environmentally friendly" claims for products are full of hot CO2. It's the green backlash against companies deemed guilty of what is called eco-fraud: such as a company's claim that by avoiding chlorine in its (non-degradable) nappies, it is being "friendly" to the environment, or claims that nuclear power is the true "green" fuel.

GUEST n. A shopper, in the new retail terminology that regards salespeople as sales associates and the actual sale as relationship building. That way, you can persuade the staff that they're doing nothing so demeaning as simply relieving people of their dosh; and the customer - sorry, guest - feels obliged to sustain the relationship.

HEINEKENISE v. To ensure that your commercial product (let's say, a taste-free beer) is excessively prominent in a television programme you're sponsoring. Originating from a beer-company memo to the makers of its "advertiser supplied" TV show, which it felt refreshed too many parts with wine - when instead the stars ought to be enjoying a well-known brand of beer.

HYPER n. The music-industry term for a member of the chart-rigging teams who buy discs in selected stores to push them towards the top. It's become such a problem that one songwriter has offered a £10,000 reward for information on hypers. Of course, he could always spend that money buying records . . .

LEMON n. A woman who lives alone, in the latest marketing-speak, and who has little interest in financial services. Marketeers prefer the plum , a married man with above-average income who is keen to boost his pension.

MOLECULAR MARKETING n. A company's use of many small elements in a broad marketing campaign that the consumer links together to identify the brand. Ballantine's scotch whisky, for instance, has been associating its name with rock concerts, sport and fashion. This subtly builds "awareness profile" among the hard-to-reach, advertising-weary under-35s - and has been scientifically proven to sell more whisky.

NEW INCOMPETENCE, THE n. A popular ad-industry trend, in which an amateurish, sloppy image is used to sell products ranging from Embassy Regal cigarettes to the Big Breakfast. Numbed by slick professionalism, it's claimed, the punters warm to tasteless or deliberately shoddy ads that make them feel less threatened. Also known as downmarketism.

PESTER POWER n. That sweet habit children seem to have of persuading parents to spend big bucks on specific brand names. It's what makes toy and fast-food commercials work so effectively, and the key is to appeal to parents through their children: "OK, I'll buy you a bloody Teletubbies doll, just stop pestering me . . ." Little cherubs.

PIZZA n. A marketing term for the basic product that customers can customise by adding any extras that make it appetising to them. It's used mainly in the car industry to describe the standard car design which can have sunroofs, stereos or alloy wheels sprinkled on top.

POST-BOOMER adj.,n. A member of that generation born after the post-second-world-war baby boom which, around the mid-1960s, went bust as the birth-rate fell. So advertisers decided we had entered the post-boomer age, in which, rather predictably, the buster would be the key to big spending.

PRADVERTISING n. How the marketing industry describes its latest ploy to get you thinking of, and then buying, the product: it's the use of shock advertising to generate media chatter. Exemplified by Benetton and its pictures of Aids patients or baby births. Oops, there we go mentioning the product again. . .

PSYCHOGRAPHICS n. The marketing world's latest term for niche-targeting. Whereas demographics classifies people by life-and-death statistics, psychographics does the same based on their thinking. So you can sell your car to those who think about cars.

PSYCHONOMICS n. New form of "behavioural economics" that uses psychological insights to work out how you'll spend your money. Forget the inflation rate - what really makes you spend is flattery and egotism. Now playing at a supermarket near you.

REDUPLICATE n. A new verb of the mail-shot age: the process by which mailing lists must be constantly cross-checked and copied out again so that you don't receive 200 begging letters from your favourite charity. Tick here if you only want to receive 20.

SMART MAIL n. Junk mail that has been computer-sorted to go to the right type of consumer. The marketing industry has just gone wild over it - so next time you buy a corkscrew, expect a mailing from the wine club.

SOFT-DRINKS LANDSCAPE n. jarg. What you enter, according to the latest marketing speak, whenever you open a can of fizz. Coined by those high-spending folk at Pepsi, who claimed that their £300 million relaunch would "remake the international soft-drinks landscape". Their reasoning: "Blue is modern and cool, exciting and dynamic, and, most importantly, it's a color that powerfully communicates refreshment" - a definition that Dr Johnson notably failed to spot.

SPLURCHASE n. An impulse buy in a supermarket or superstore. The term is particularly favoured by "retail analysts", whose job it is to make you buy things you
don't need. So that Snoopy toothbrush you never opened all those years ago was actually deep psychology.

SUG v. acr. To sell someone a product, or at least to try to, under the guise of conducting market research (as you're "Selling Under the Guise"). A new trick of free-market capitalism, recorded in the new Concise Oxford Dictionary.

UNCOMMERCIAL n. An anti-consumer advertisement of the type that is increasingly hitting TV screens in North America. The message: shopping isn't all life is about - know that you are being manipulated. Also known as a subvertisement.

VALUE-ADDED ENTERTAINMENT MOMENT n. What the US TV network NBC now calls a break between programmes. "Break" might get viewers switching over, but value-added entertainment, well, that's showbiz.

WASH ITS FACE v. To earn enough in terms of revenue and brand loyalty to make a special offer worthwhile (as in "But will our value-added complimentary soap offer wash its face?"). Currently favoured by marketing departments.


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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 6 - The workplace

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 6: THE WORKPLACE


Jobs (and being separated from them)

BIRD NEST ON THE GROUND n. US slang for a cushy job, as recorded in Lonely Planet's American-English phrase book. And if you're driving to work, and find a parking place just in front of the main entrance, you describe the good fortune as TV parking, because that phenomenom only tends to happen on TV shows.

BLAMESTORM v., n. To spend time in a workplace debating in some detail among yourselves who is to blame for some remarkable fiasco. A nineties version of brainstorming for the insecure office culture.

BOUTIQUE FARMER n. A practitioner of that modern industry which fills your neighbourhood supermarket with star-shaped, spiky and oddly camouflaged fruits. They are stylish statements about your nineties personality. And some of them even taste of food.

BOX, TO THINK OUT OF THE v. To break out of the boundaries of your job description, in management-speak, and devise more efficient ways of working. It's part of the "empowerment" movement that results when all the managers have been de-layered (qv).

BRAIN GAIN n. The new-skills version of the brain drain we were all worried about in the 1980s. This time, industries such as high-tech medicine or software design are attracting the best minds to Britain from around the world.

DECRUIT v. euph. To un-recruit; hence to fire people. It happens when companies are rationalised. And if those aren't enough "sacking" synonyms to be getting on with, see the many other examples below.

DE-JOB v. euph. To fire people. This verb for the downsizing age is particularly prevalent in Canada, where corporations are de-jobbing people, rather than simply firing them. In other words, to modernise the industrial organisation.

DE-LAYER v. euph. To fire people. This one generally involves sacking whole layers of middle management. Also known as de-levelling. The aim is to flatten the corporate hierarchy, and is accompanied by claims that employees are being empowered : allowed to realise more of their potential within the organisation (ie to work harder and for longer hours, for the same pay).

DOMESTIC ENGINEER n. A highly skilled operative at the interface between culinary and residential management provision, and in-home pedagogy. Or, in the current US euphemism, a housewife.

DOMESTIC OUTSOURCING n. The new industry - American-led, needless to say - that will perform all those time-consuming household chores for the busy homemaker. For the right price, agencies will cook your dinner, water your plants and re-furnish your living room. They will even collect your kids from school - that is, if you can remember whether or not you have kids . . .

DOWNSIZE v. euph. To fire people. The original nineties euphemism for sacking employees and so making a company smaller, which became so common that other, more intricate euphemisms were soon needed. Hence de-job, delayer, right size, etc.

EDUCATIONAL INFLATION n. The devaluation of your MBA, PhD or GCSE because the economy is no longer A-OK. Now that nobody has a job, employers can demand that shelf-stackers have degrees and shop assistants, doctorates. The Berkeley sociologist Jerome Karabel described the phenomenon that has diluted a million CVs.

EXTERMINATING ENGINEER n. euph. A rat-catcher, in the nineties euphemism. Similarly, street-sweepers are now known as sanitation operatives, make-up assistants as visagistes, and people who help you lose weight as thinologists. Everyone, it seems, wants to be a professional these days.

FACE TIME n. That rare aspect of modern social interaction that does not take place through emails, faxes, mobile phones, pagers or lawyers. Bizarrely, it involves two or more people talking or meeting face to face. Not unrelated to quality time.

FORENSIC ACCOUNTANCY n. A safe career for the divorcing age: this one seeks to uncover any suspicious details of a spouse's expenditure that may indicate infidelity. The job's not over yet, though: the forensic accountant then searches out any assets they have hidden as the divorce settlement closes in.

GARDEN LEAVE (also GARDENING LEAVE) n. The notice period you must serve before taking up a new job, during which your current employer will pay you but not let you into the building - hence the renewed attention you can pay to your geraniums.

GROUNDSCRAPER n. The fashionable office building of the recession era. Rather than build the sort of skyscraper that lies empty for years, architects are now designing seven- or eight-floor low-rises. And, if they then lie empty, far fewer people notice.

HAMBURGER FLIPPER n. A member of the £2-an-hour unskilled pool of labour known as the modern workforce. Kenneth Clarke popularised the phrase in an attack on lefty critics who said his "recovery" was based on part-time, low-wage jobs. Alas, soundbites being what they are, that became known as the hamburger-flipper recovery.

HEAD-SHUNTER n. The reverse head-hunter: this one is hired by your boss to find a way to get you to leave the company without the costs of redundancy. Now current in the business world.

HOT-DESKv. A version of musical chairs for the modern office, especially in newspapers and City dealing rooms. No longer do workers have their own desks; the game nowadays is to get in early enough to grab whichever workplace is free.

McJOB n. A junk job - one with a low wage, no prospects and all the enjoyment of the fast-food production line. First spotted in Douglas Coupland's book Generation X . See hamburger flipper (above) to work out where this one came from . . .

MISSION STATEMENT n. A self-important and vacous set of goals every nineties company has taken upon itself to proclaim. That fast-food joint, for instance, might decide that it seeks "to further the culinary pleasure of nations", or a public lavatory "to fulfil the bowel needs of the excreting public". All in a Total Quality Management kind of way.

NANNY-TRAP n. The dilemma whereby working mothers can only go out to work if they employ a nanny, which means they need to earn £25,000 to cover the costs, which means they need work every hour that they can, which means they need to employ a nanny, etc. etc.

NEGOTIATOR n. What used to be called an estate agent. Then along came negative equity, and simply no one would admit to being one of that unspeakable tribe. So, in typically creative form, they have now become sales-and-lettings negotiators (with potential for development into more spacious euphemisms).

OUTSOURCE n. To fire people - this time by farming out those services previously provided by a company's employees to cheaper outside contractors. The American writer Russell Baker calls it a "claptrap word" designed to hoodwink the public: next, he warns, expect upsourcing, downsourcing, upsidedownsizing and rightsideupsizing. In an ongoing sort of fashion.

PLUG-AND-PLAY adj. Able to fit into a new situation (such as a job) and get right on with it. Just as the best computer games are designed to be used instantly without instructions, so the best new workers in the nineties are those who won't need the inconvenience or expense of being trained.

PORTFOLIO CAREER n. The nineties alternative to the job. It means simultaneously trying a number of ways to make a living: selling a skill here and there, selling a shirt when that doesn't work out. Naturally, not all portfolios have anything in them.

PRESENTEEISM n. The nineties' antidote to absenteeism. We're all so insecure about our short-term contracts and our feel-bad factors that we're terrified of appearing keen to leave the office. So we're present rather more than is healthy - which is useful to bosses, who in the meantime have rightsized the rest of the staff.

PROCESS RE-ENGINEER v. euph. To fire people, but in the name of improving services. The term re-engineer means to radically reorganise working methods - usually resulting in a slimmer company. The movement started with a Harvard Business Review article in the early 1990s by Michael Hammer, called Don't Automate, Obliterate. In other words, back again to downsize and right-size . . .

PRODUCTION SCHEDULE REARRANGEMENT INITIATIVE n. euph. Yet another euphemism companies have used to get around the fact that they are sacking people. There are so many, indeed, that (with the help of the GMB union, which collected 50 of them), we can offer prospective downsizer employers the following suggested ways of justifying their sackings, all of which have been used in all seriousness. Just explain that you are:
-- concentrating on core activities;
-- equalising the payroll to manpower requirement;
-- reconfiguring the business, or refocusing the business strategy;
-- creating a career realignment scheme;
-- rerating the employees' future;
-- increasing capital effectiveness;
-- allowing democratic streamlining; or
-- making a PPEA (that, of course, is a personal premature exit agreement).
And if these terms sound a little too honest, you can always revert to dehiring, skill-mix readjustments, unassigning, core-reemphasising and finding avolume-reduction window. In other words, to fire people so efficiently that they have no idea what's going on.

RESUME INFLATION n. A growing tendency among job applicants to exaggerate, or even lie about, their past experience and, most notably, their salary. One London agency that vets applicants' job resumes estimates that a third of CVs for £50,000-plus jobs contain deliberate errors.

RIGHT-SIZE v. euph. To fire people. Another recession euphemism for getting rid of workers, as used by Louis Gerstner, head of ailing IBM - because downsizing evidently did not convey the message that this was a good thing to do to someone: well, it was right for the company, anyway . . .

RIGHT-SPACE v. To take away your employees' workstations so that they have to hot-desk (qv). Perfect for that culture of short-term contracts and job insecurity, and one degree less than right-sizing, when the job itself is removed.

SKILLS-SET REFOCUS v. To fire people. The chief executive of the American company EJV Partners laid off 19 staff and called it a "refocusing of the company's skills set". If you hadn't noticed by now, the big growth industry of the nineties is coining ever-newer euphemisms to hide the fact that you're sacking staff.

SQUEEGIE MERCHANT n. A window-wiper who throws a dirty wet cloth on your car windscreen at a traffic light and expects to be paid generously for the privilege. The nineties job most likely to annoy a politician.

SURPLUS v. tr. euph. To downsize somebody; ie to delayer somebody; ie to rightsize your organisation. Need we explain that this is yet another euphemism for firing somebody?

TERMINATE euph. v. Not merely to kill someone - now, according to the bank JP Morgan, it also means, as if you couldn't guess, to fire them. After losing £350,000 because Stock Exchange rules were broken, the company announced that "two individuals hvae been terminated in the London office". Plenty of blood on the carpet, then.

UPSKILLING n. The process, according to a Daily Telegraph letter-writer, which enables the remuneratively challenged to attain the prosperity needed to acquire a pre-owned car from a de-hired executive whose company has been downsized following a period of negative profitability. Clear?

VERTICAL DISINTEGRATION n. euph. A further euphemism for the downsizing age. Whereas under vertical integration a company would pull its various components into one building, the disintegrated company subcontracts many of its tasks (such as catering) to an outside provider. Fewer workers, fewer commitments and another chance to decruit staff, as they say in these post-recruitment days.

VIRTUAL DESK v. To use computers linked to modems to perform your job away from the office. Formerly known, technically, as "working from home".

VOLUME-RELATED PRODUCTION SCHEDULE ADJUSTMENT n. euph. How General Motors described scakings when it closed a US factory. Almost as good as Chrysler's explanation of its 5,000 sackings in Wisconsin: this, it claimed, was all part of a career alternative enhancement programme.

VOLUNTARY SIMPLICITY n. The slower, less stressed, more quality-conscious lifestyle that results when one chooses to downshift: to swap a certain level of income for more pleasure. Also known as planned crossover , it is the nineties response to the longer hours worked in jobs that fewer people have.

WORKCHURCH n. bus. The corporate focus of the new downsized, hot-desking workforce: it is the company headquarters which workers employed in diverse locations identify as their spiritual home.

WORKPAUSALS n. pl. That small but influential group of women American marketers have just discovered: mothers who decide to put the career on hold. As one trend-spotter puts it, "the power wife-mother is our latest status symbol - more important than a mink coat".

ZERO-HOUR CONTRACT n. euph. The modern equivalent of an employment agreement, except that this one guarantees you no work and no pay. Increasingly popular among companies (from burger bars to car-makers) that want your labour only when they need you - without paying you for those idle moments.

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 5 - Computing and technology

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 5: COMPUTING AND TECHNOLOGY


Nerd words that are going mainstream

ALPHA GEEK n. The most technically knowledgeable person in a company, or group, to call on when things go wrong. At such moments, you will regret ever calling them anoraks, and see them for the ominscient, God-like creatures they always believed they ought to be.

BEEPILEPSY n. The sudden loss of concentration that occurs when your bleeper goes off. Symptoms: sentences become garbled; facial twitches; immediate responsibilities are instantly abandoned . . .

BETAMAX v. To outlive a competing technology: named after the video-recording system that fell victim to the VHS. So the CD, for instance, has betamaxed vinyl. But watch out to see whether new digital technologies can betamax even the VHS.

BIO BREAK n. Something that even Net-heads occasionally need: a toilet visit. Some prefer the more poetic term downloading.

BIOMETRICS n. sci. The new technology that applies statistical analysis to biological data. It works on the basis that each of us has an electronic "signature", with distinct patterns of iris, fingerprint, voice and body odours. And now that machines can map us, the PIN number at cashpoints is on the way out.

BOGOSITY n. sl. The degree to which something is bogus - meaning useless or incorrect, or simply wrong, in computer-hacker slang. This leads to a hacker's response to someone who has just said something so outrageously bogus that it has slid off the bogosity scale: "You just pinged my bogometer."

BOGUE OUT v. sl. To become bogus (qv) suddenly and unexpectedly. Fear of this is known, needless to say, as autobogotiphobia.

BRAD'S MOM n. The target customer for Microsoft's computer equipment, named after the mother of a senior executive. The company has its own in-house slang, and the question that is asked about new software is: "Yes, but can Brad's mom figure it out?"

BROWN DWARF n. The name astronomers give to objects too large to be planets but too small to be stars. Be careful not to touch if you come across one of the 22 or so said to have been discovered recently: their surface temperature is around 2,000F.

BROWN OUT n. What you get when the electricity supply is under such strain that the voltage falls. Not quite as serious as a blackout, when the whole supply is cut, though not too healthy for intensive-care patients.

CLICKSTREAM n. The rate at which you call up electronic information services - often by literally clicking your computer mouse. It's the industry's best hope of charging you for the privilege: your clickstream hopes to define your bill.

CRACKER n. A computer buff who steals software. Not to be confused with hackers , usually those who get into systems illegally, or traders , those who spread pirated software.

DIGERATI n. pl. The elite of the computer (or "digital") age, these are the power-brokers and trend-shapers who have mastered the technology and make the decisions that will eventually filter down to the masses.

DIGITAL HOMELESS, THE n. pl. The unwired old-timers who are going to miss out on the new communications world because they're not "digitally literate". This is the verdict of media guru Nicholas Negroponte, who says plug in now.

DISK-DANCER n. comp. Someone who signs up to online services using free-offer disks and bogus credit-card numbers. When found out, they move to another free account.

D-MAIL n. The term used to describe all those unsolicited e-mail messages that keep arriving on your computer screen urging you to spend your money or publicising a cause. An on-line version of direct mail, but more difficult to stop. In cyberspace no one can hear you reach for the virtual rubbish bin.

DOMINATE v. A verb that no longer exists at Microsoft. So many employees have been quoted about the company's domination of the software business that questions are being asked in Congress. Microsoft now teaches them to talk about leading rather than dominating.

E-CASH n. Electronic cash: what Internet-based retailers hope you will soon be spending.

E-VERDICT n. What Judge Hiller Zobel delivered in 1997 when he published his conclusions in the Louise Woodward case. A variation on email, the term has also been joined by e-cash (see above), e-stalker, e-voting and e-commerce.

ELVIS YEAR n. The year a piece of software, or any computer application, is at its most popular. Because Elvis may have been around for years, but he wasn't always top of the pops.

FLAME v., n., sl. Aggressive email messages, and the act of sending them, in computer-speak. They often come shouting (IN CAPITAL LETTERS, a gross offence against the Internet etiquette known as netiquette ), and are generally known as flamage. It's logical, therefore, that software designed to protect you from such acrimonious verbal conflict is made from asbestos.

FLAME MAIL n. comp. A provocative email designed to insult, or flame , the recipient. Those pacifying Internet users who seek to put out the flame wars are, needless to say, known as firefighters.

GASBAGGING n. A contemporary encounter one is liable to have with certain makes of hi-tech executive car. It occurs when the airbag inflates for no accountable reason as you are happily speeding along. Not generally considered to be particularly street-cred.

GRONK OUT v. sl. To go home and get some sleep, after a long session of computer hacking. Don't confuse this with gonking: that, in hacker-speak, means prevaricating or embellishing the truth beyond any reasonable recognition. So a gonkulator is a pretentious piece of equipment that serves no useful purpose.

GWEEP sl. comp. Someone whose use of computers is limited to that required by their work. It's geek slang that roughly translates as the opposite of the hacker , someone who can find no purer moment that that spent tapping into a keyboard (also known as mouse potatoes).

I-APPLIANCE n. The household appliance of the future, designed to be connected to the Internet (hence the I) so it can communicate with other appliances. We've already got TVs that want to be computers, and computers that want to be answering machines: soon, if industry chiefs have their way, you'll be using the toaster to collect email and the hairdryer to browse an online magazine.

INTERCAP v. To capitalise a letter in the middle of an invented word - say, WordPerfect or CompuServe - so readers will not fail to look twice at your product's name. Favoured by the computer industry, and a term noted by Douglas Coupland in his book Microserfs. Or should that be MicroSerfs?

NOTWORK n. comp. A computer network that is not working.

OFFLINER n. One who prefers not to use the Internet. Also known among some marketing consultants as an Internot.

OLF n. A new scientific unit to add to the joule, the watt and the amp. This one, calculated by a Danish scientist, measures the odour released by machines such as photocopiers. It is the odour emitted by a "standard European person". And Europe wants your office to have 0.1 olfs per square metre. Seriously.

PHREAKER n. A computer hacker who particularly enjoys exploiting telephone networks. They break into computer systems in every continent, and spend much of their time sending messages to each other down the cables, as they believe it's seriously good to talk.

PSYCHOMOTOR AGITATION n. med. Internet-withdrawal symptoms, a new phenomenon identified by an American academic who notes nervous hand movements in those who are kept from their mouse. In other words, the cyber-shakes.

PUSH THE ENVELOPE v. phr. To test something or somebody to the limit, and then a bit further. The envelope, in aviation, is the known limit of a plane's range and powers - so nowadays advertisers, or scientists, who push the envelope are risking everything in the quest for innovation.

SAGAN n. comp. A very large number, in Net jargon - after Carl Sagan, the astronomer, who was fond of talking about "billions and billions" to make his cosmological points.

SALMON DAY n. A day in which you appear to be making hours of progress - but get snared in the end, and so achieve nothing. Just like the salmon who seems to be going happily upstream, until inevitably caught. Favoured by Net-heads after a long, frustrating session.

SAMURAI n. sl. In computer-hacker slang, this is someone who breaks into files to steal information for relatively lawful purposes - perhaps to help a lawyer pursuing a human-rights case. As opposed to the dark-side hackers, those who crack into confidential files for criminal or malicious ends.

SAVERTISEMENT n. A computer screen-saver - an image, often moving, designed to protect the screen - that contains a company's product message. The latest idea in webvertising, the trend towards placing advertisements on the Internet.

SHOVELWARE n. Computer software of such low quality that people tend not to want to buy it - so manaufacturers shovel it out to the public through retailers.

SPACE JUNK n . The debris floating around Earth because previous space missions notably didn't bag their rubbish to take home afterwards. There's so much of it up there now that Nasa's worried about it snagging a spaceship - although the levels of junk floating around Camden Market on a Sunday afternoon would seem to pose a more immediate threat to civilisation.

SPAM v., n. comp. To email unwanted information in vast quantities to people who don't want to receive it. From Monty Python's sketch about the cafe that served only Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam. As a verb, to spam can also mean to tell someone more detailed information than they could ever hope to absorb (for instance, your detailed thesis about linguistic coinages in Monty Python sketches).

SPOOF v. To gain access to a remote computer by forging the Internet address
of a machine you know. Your cybergoal: to attain root status , the full access the head systems operator enjoys.

STEALTH TOWER n. A telecommunications aerial in plain clothes - disguised as a tree, for intance, or a turret in a church tower. Everyone wants a mobile phone, but no-one wants the ugly tall masts - hence the trend towards hiding them in less noticeable towers in disguise.

STRUDEL-POST n. sl. Electronic mail, in current cyber-slang. Why? Just look at that little symbol in the middle of e-mail addresses, such as letters@guardian. co. uk. Doesn't that @ look like a strudel to you?

SUPERATOM n. A newly discovered, and really rather cold, form of matter. When rubidium atoms are taken down in temperature to almost minus 273C, they start behaving strangely. Don't handle without a coat.

TAFUBAR acr. An acronym, current in computing circles, that spells out the worst: Things Are Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition. Well, not necessarily fouled up . . .

TELEDILDONICS n. In the rather restrained definition of the Oxford Dictionary people, this is "the use of virtual reality to mediate sexual interaction between computer users not physically in the same place". In other words, on-line shagging - and you don't even need to call a taxi afterwards.

TELEMATICS n. Your electronically-chauffeur-driven car of the future if France and Germany have their way. They want the EU to develop new telematic technology that will automate car driving. It might de-congest the roads - but will it get you a parking space?

TROLL v. comp. To use the Internet to look for something specific - as opposed to surfing, the more random type of browsing on the World Wide Wait (as users are increasingly calling the over-subscribed and busy World Wide Web).

VOICE JAIL n. New York slang for that ethereal place where you find yourself trapped in this hi-tech telephone age. The electronic operator tells you to try again later; the recording says "Press 6 for service . . ." and the answering machine tells you to send a fax - but forget about actually talking to a real person.

WORM n. comp. A piece of rogue software which keeps reproducing itself inside the victim network until it can no loner function.

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 4 - Politics and diplomacy

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 4: POLITICS AND DIPLOMACY


The jargon of high politics, and the slang of alternative politics

ADHOCRACY n. The Clinton administration's way of working: based on a kitchen cabinet that is loosely organised around an influential inner circle. Coined by Roger Porter, an adviser to President Bush, it's now increasingly seen by critics as the cause of the president's naive decision-making.

ASTROTURF CAMPAIGN n. An apparent grass-roots campaign for a law, a reform or a political candidate. Apparent? That's because the "grass roots" behind those heartfelt petitions and mail-outs are as phoney as the vested interests deceptively behind them. Citizens for a Greener Region, for instance, might well be a front for a nice little nuclear-reprocessing outfit . . .

BIMBO ERUPTION n. That annoying tendecy within modern American politics, just when the president appears to have mastered his domain and honed his message to perfection, for an ex-lover to come on the scene and balls everything up. Bill Clinton's own campaign HQ identified the tendency in 1992, since when we've got to know Paula, Gennifer, Monica and a few other lovelies . . .

BIO SPOT n. The advertising equivalent to a soundbite for politicians seeking a new image. Bio spots are booked on TV to keep viewers' minds off those tedious policy issues. But fishing and smiling? That's different.

BLAIR sl. v. To humiliate or mock someone. Further proof that there has indeed been a Blairite revolution, this one acknowledged in the latest Bloomsbury Dictionary Of Slang (qv Tony Blairs).

BLAIRISM n. A mode of speech in the style of Tony Blair. It's quite simple to imitate, too. Here, try our mix-and-match instant Blairism template: just choose a word from each column, and you can write speeches just like the great leader. Easy, huh?

"I have been absolutely clear when I have said that the . . .

COLUMN 1 COLUMN 2 COLUMN 3
New People Decency
Modern Contract Responsibility
People's Family . . . will be constructed with . . . A will to win
Key Community Opportunity
Decent Modernisation Humility
Young Enterprise Decency
Core Citizen Aspiration
Reborn Millennium Vision . . ."

BLIND TRUST n. pol. Not the misguided faith that some voters place in their elected leaders, but the secret funds that help get the politicians elected to positions of power in the first place. Whoever said you can't buy trust?

CAMCORDISTA n. A media-alert, modern-day protester - found in such places as the M41's fast lane and Brazilian rainforests - who uses a video camera to record documentary-style footage that can be shown to a wider public. Cited in the Ham & High newspaper, the description combines the camcorder and the radicalism of the Sandinistas.

CHERRYADE n. sl. An assistant of Cherie Booth, the prime minister's wife, according to the political hacks' latest phrase. Why? "They are red, sweet and fizzing with ideas," as the Daily Telegraph put it. They particularly dislike being known as "spin doctresses", a slightly uglier new coinage. New verbiage for a new Britain.

CHOCOLATE SOLDIER n. sl. A sycophantic political adviser, in the current slang among journalists, pressure groups and even a few politicians. A full appreciation of its origin requires an understanding of the verb to brown-nose - to agree (usually with a superior) to such an unqualified extent that one might be accused of arse-kissing, or even arse-licking. The colour scheme now clearly established, you should be able to work out that the chocolate in question is not of the highest taste.

CLINDECISION n. As the Economist defines it, a political decision or appointment, not necessarily the right one, which is put off for as long as possible. The result: big headaches for decider, appointee and country.

COCKEREL n. A nefarious western agitator who dares annoy one of Asia's less popular dictatorships. For, according to Burma's/Myanmar's London embassy, "the seeds of mistrust and false allegations" are being disseminated by "certain cockerels in the West". We think they mean human-rights investigators.

COMMON GROUND n. Bill Clinton's buzzword of the political season. Think of centrism, community, togetherness - and, necessarily, stop yourself thinking about the political gridlock (qv) and public discontent that are the more visible signs of his presidency.

COMMUNITY n. The favourite vacuous phrase of the mid-90s politician. Long after the community charge and care in the community were discredited, upstanding Members were still speaking absurdly on behalf of the drug-injecting community and the heterosexual community. Gee, both groups' community meetings must be fun.

CONNEXITY n. That favourite term of New Labour policy wonks (qv) . The leading wonk Geoff Mulgan, of the Demos think-tank, defines it as the idea that societies evolve from dependence on tradition and hierarchy. The senior New Labour wonk Anthony Giddens gets even more obtuse: he likes talking about social reflexivity , his view that in a "post-traditional order" people filter, and react to, increasingly large and complex amounts of information. And they wonder why young people don't vote . . .

COOF n. acr. A retired MP who does the rounds of the speculative television and panel discussions at around the time of an election. "We want to be known as the coofs," explained Denis Healey, who coined the term in 1992. "That's Clapped Out Old Farts..."

DEAD-CAT BOUNCE n. Originally City slang, it's now being heard in political circles to describe terminally sick parties or policies that falsely appear to have a future. Why? Throw a dead cat out of a window and when it hits the ground it still appears to jump. (See also dead mouse bounce.)

DEFACTOS n. pl. New way to describe dictators. When the US started co-operating with Haiti's ruling junta, Bill Clinton stopped calling them dictators. Instead, they were the de facto leadership, or "the defactos". Far less likely to resemble double standards.

DE-TARGET euph. To keep your nuclear missiles. Boris Yeltsin at one stage confused this term with "dismantle", but a Kremlin aide quickly clarified its meaning - though Russia's missiles will no longer be pre-programmed to strike at its new friends in the West, they will still be kept in one piece.

DISORGANISATION n. An unstructured protest group of the mid-nineties, without the leadership of a conventional organisation. Want to join one of the loose coalitions such as Justice?, fighting road-building and criminal-justice laws? Don't expect to fill in an application form.

DISSEMBLE v. A word whose definition David Willetts is no longer in want of. Willetts, the MP who claimed the verb "want" did not actually mean "want" (the explanation gets rather complicated if you go into it any deeper), has now been informed by an official report that he was in fact dissembling. Now, in our dictionary, that means concealing or being insincere, but he may say different.

DOG-ON-A-ROPE adj. How the well-dressed new age protester is being described these days: as in "many [of the M65 road agitators] were familiar dog-on-a-rope travellers" (the Times). First, though, you have to catch your dog.

DOUGHNUT v. A television term popularised by the filming of House of Commons debates. It is the habit displayed by MPs of encircling whoever is talking, so that the party appears to be out in force. The result: a ring of doughy creatures fills the screen.

DOUGLAS n. A third-class university degree - after former Foreign Secretary Douglas Hurd, whose name in the nineties became rhyming slang for "third". The Douglas replaced the Thora across British campuses, as the ageing actress Thora Hird became less familiar; but a Desmond, however, proved a survivor. That eponym came to signify a lower second-class degree, or a 2:2. Need we explain the link to the Archbishop Desmond Tutu?

EASTERN EUROPE n. A region that doesn't exist. The US State Department has instructed embassies never to use the phrase, as the East/West division is over. So eastern Europe, now "central Europe", has gone west.

ELECTRONIC TOWN MEETING or ETM n. A recent trend in political opinion-polling, in which talk-show viewers punch into a telephone or terminal their impressions of candidates' performance. Computer-tabulated responses come up on screen in seconds. So who has room for issue-based questions?

ENDOGENOUS GROWTH n. jarg. The decade's outstanding example of political gobbledegook, uttered by Gordon Brown when shadow chancellor. We're not quite sure what he meant, but he elaborated upon it in a speech about "the growth of post neo-classical endogenous growth theory and the symbiotic relationships between growth and investment in people and infrastructure". This, the Daily Mail explained, translated as: "We have been reading some books and we still want to intervene. Oh, and we also want to go to international conferences." The Sun offered a slightly revisionist interpretation: "I hope this sounds as if I know what I'm talking about . . ."

FOLLETT v. To massage the image of an outdated institution (such as a Labour MP) and make it electable. After Barbara, the party's image consultant, whose folletting earned her the title of the "frock doctor".

FULL CLINTON n. sl. In Washington slang, a policy reversal that must be announced brazenly. A typical full clinton, according to George magazine, might be: "I've been thinking about what you said about me raising your taxes too much. You are so right." A double clinton, by the way, is a policy reversal followed by a denial that there has been any change.

GENDERMANDER v. To meddle in the electoral process so that women are put at an advantage. Women-only shortlists, for instance, were Labour's way of ensuring that a lower proportion of seats went automatically to men. A variation on gerrymander, the more established process whereby electoral boundaries are altered to one party's advantage.

GIRO GYPSY n. Those nasty scrounging types who ought to be banned from travelling around the country at the taxpayers' expense. Or so says the Daily Express, which has coined the term to replace the more quaint, less threatening "new-age travellers".

GORDON BROWN v. To dress down, particularly at a black-tie event when any exception to the dress code will be seen to be making a point. Apparently named after the Chancellor who famously wore a lounge suit to deliver a Mansion House Speech in summer 1997; part of the rebranding (qv) process that Labour is so keen on. Although most likely invented by Brown's spin-doctors to improve his image.

GREENSCAM v. To establish a supposedly grassroots environmental movement that actually represents commercial interests (qv astroturf campaign) . They have names such as the American Environmental Foundation (a Florida organisation that defends property rights) and the Global Climate Coalition (commercial interests that seek to avoid laws that would cut global warming).

GRIDLOCK n. pol. The legislative paralysis that results when governments cannot push their measures past uncooperative assemblies. George Bush's administration was particularly badly affected, before Bill Clinton too found a Republican majority in Congress stymied his plans. Named after the traffic snarl-ups in which no cars can move in any direction.

GUMMERISE v. To couch an issue in irredeemably righteous tones, designed to expose the speaker's supposed moral superiority and the relative fecklessness of the rest of society. Coined by Edward Pearce on Radio 4 and bearing some connection with John Gummer, the homily-friendly Tory former Cabinet minister.

HANDOVER n. To describe the process by which Hong Kong was transferred to Chinese sovereignty on July 1 1997 (that is, if you saw the historic event from a munificent, post-imperial British viewpoint) (cf TAKEOVER n. The same process, if you saw it all from a threatened, more anxious British viewpoint) (cf REVERSION n. The same process, if you still had to do business with China and wanted to stay on good terms). And re-education for anyone who doesn't choose their terms carefully.

HILLARY n. A woman enjoying such a successful career that her partner feels inadequate. Coined by the Wall Street Journal, which noticed that company chairmen were no longer getting the wifely support in ironing, organising dinner parties, etc.

HOT-BUTTON n., adj. A key word or idea that a politician is programmed by spinmeisters (qv) to utter at any opportunity, in order to ram home the message. No prizes for guessing that "young" and "modern" were Tony Blair's hot-button words in 1997.

INTENSIVE MULTILATERAL DISCUSSIONS euph. Talks. Formerly known, in the Northern Irish context, as proximity talks. But some prospective participants found that sort of talk unspeakable. So the phrase was talked into a longer euphemism.

LANDSLIDE n. pol. A term political pundits rapidly redefined after the 1997 Labour general-election victory. The political analyst Ivor Crewe decided that it was not enough to describe the result as a landslide and so he encouraged psephologists to use even more extreme terms such as avalanche or even wipe-out.

MAJORISM n. Mmm, bit tricky, this one. We'll go with the Shorter OED's definition: "the political and economic policies of the British Conservative politician John Major". And that's as exciting as we can go. (Boy, Thatcherism was so much easier . . .)

MARKET EXITn. Current jargon in National Health Service circles for a less celebrated aspect of the Major government's market reforms: it's what happens when hospitals close.

NEW adj. Labour's first act on winning the 1997 election was to promulgate new as the official new adjective of the new Blairite era. As the Press Assiciation's political editor, Phil Murphy, put it: "1997's been New Everything. New Labour, New Britain, New Monarchy, New Prince Charles, New Car . . ." A new adjective for a new verbiage.

NON-DEPARTMENTAL PUBLIC BODY n. The less embarrassing way to refer to a quango (qv quangoid) , as used by former Conservative minister Charles Wardle to describe the new Coal Authority - though NDPB doesn't flow off the tongue quite so smoothly as quango.

ON-MESSAGE adj. The place to be if you are a loyal policy wonk (qv): it is the obedient articulation of a political party's official line. Labour, in particular, spent the election campaign ensuring that any off-message candidate was swiftly reprimanded. Bleepers at the ready . . .

OPPOSITIONALISM n. The new -ism for those who miss socialism. It's what the Labour rebel Liz Davies denies she's shown towards her party and, as you'd guess, involves a tendency to place oneself in opposition (usually) to the moderate left. Next, no doubt, we'll have post-new-anti-oppositionalism.

PANSE (or PANSIE) n. acr. The road protester's version of the yuppie, a panse is Politically Active and Not Seeking Employment. The first indicates their prevalence 30ft up ancient trees, the latter a defiant two-fingers to the rules ordained by the benefits office. Not to be confused with PIXIES, which are panses who tend to come out at night from base camp to cause whatever disruption keeps the road at bay that much longer.

POLICY WONK n. pol. A wonk (qv) who puts his or her obsessiveness to good political use. Bill Clinton and Tony Blair made the policy wonk respectable, after surrounding themselves by these strange creatures who could find nothing likelier to induce orgasm than reading up on the minutiae of social-security spending.

POLITICIDE v. What US politicians commit when they compromise beyond the bounds of credibility. Coined in 1980, it now reappears in sentences also containing the words "Bill", "Clinton" and "bullshit".

PORTFOLIO n. A new definition is urgently needed, ever since Peter Mandelson became Minister Without Portfolio. Let's try: "something whose absence gives unprecedented power". . .

PREBUTTAL n. pol. The latest political tactic, after rebuttal and rapid rebuttal: it involves saturating reporters with facts even before something has happened. First used in Clinton's re-election campaign, where spin-doctors excelled in their prebuttal of any facts that Bob Dole had yet to utter.

PROJECT, THE n. How the workers in Tony Blair's office referred to the big plan to win the 1997 general election. It's the sort of political buzzword favoured by Gramsci and Marx; although enquiries suggest these are not the main influences here.

PUNDITOCRACY n. The people really running the world, defined by American writer Eric Alterman as the "omnipresent pontificators who make their living offering 'inside political opinions and forecasts' in the elite national media". So that's why politicians' words are so mindlessly vacuous.

QUANGOID adj. In the style of quangos, those Quasi-Autonomous Non-Governmental Organisations that occupy an oddly powerful role in our modern democracy. Funnily enough, only Guardian leaders and commentaries seem to have ever used the word in print. Although the Spectator magazine invented the ghastly noun quangoisation.

REBRAND v. To re-market a nation. In Britain's case, as defined by Tony Blair and chums, this means issuing vacuous "mission statements" and talking about a "young" or a "modern" country, and never mentioning "tradition" or "heritage". If unsure, append the word "people" before every noun you utter ("People's Princess", "People's Prime Minister", "People's Panel", "People's Banquet", etc.).

REDACT v. A new verb, part of the linguistic sophistry that has emerged from Sir Richard Scott's report into the sale of arms to Iraq. Redaction is defined in a footnote to the report as "the process whereby irrelevant - or insufficiently relevant - parts of documents ordered to be disclosed are covered up". Clear?

RESPOND POSITIVELY (TO) v. euph. One of the Labour Government's new fluff-words, used to describe aims that can never be held to be firm promises. Heard in the Queen's Speech, along with "take a leading role in" and "bring forward".

RETAIL POLITICS n. The baby-kissing, crowd-warming version of politics designed for mass public consumption. As opposed to wholesale politics, designed to appeal to a select group of more demanding customers (just as consumer goods sold wholesale are available only to qualified purchasers). Wholesale politics is typified by the more carefully rehearsed, pre-scripted television interview.

RETREAD MP n. A parliamentary candidate (usually Tory) who in 1997 sought a new seat as his or her own was being boundary-reformed out of existence. Norman Lamont, Francis Maude, Michael Fallon and John Maples were among those desperatelyly scrambling to pass the MoT.

ROAD WARRIOR n. (a.) One of that eco-tribe currently blockading a main road somewhere near you. (b.) What the travel industry supposedly calls those high-fliers who are so busy they do much of their work in departure lounges. Generally (a.) and (b.) do not mix.

SHARP EDIT n. An act of economy with the truth, even of dissembling: it is what former Cabinet secretary Jonathan Aitken admitted to making when presenting his not-quite-complete version of events in a Paris hotel one notorious weekend.

SNIGGERING CLASSES n. pl. That elaboration of the chattering classes who, in John Major's words, failed to appreciate his brilliant initiatives. Such as the Citizen's Charter. (Snigger snigger.)

SPINMEISTER n. The political spin-doctor, or news manipulator, who has excelled in the presentational craft so as to be consider a master of it. Government ministers value their spinmeisters even more than their spin-doctors.

STATE PEACE AND DEVELOPMENT COUNCIL n. euph. How the military regime in Burma/Myanmar renamed itself in late 1997, to replace that older formation, the State Law and Order Restoration Council. Sorry, guys, our dictionary still translates it as "junta" . . .

SWITCHER n. The key to the 1997 election: this was the non-Labour voter in 1992 who was persuaded to switch sides. Every Labour policy wonk talked of little else.

THATCHERESQUE adj. The latest eponym after you-know-who. Whereas Thatcherite refers to her policies, Thatcheresque is that strong leadership style apparently lacking in her successor. Sarah Hogg, for instance, has, in the Daily Mail's words, an "almost Thatcheresque positiveness and directness".

TONY BLAIRS n. sl. Those icons of high fashion more commonly known as flares. Twenty-five years ago you would not have attended a party without your Lionels; now, whatever his legacy to British politics, the man from Islington has ensured that he will live forever in the creases of the next generation's Tonys.

UNITY GAP n. The less damaging way to describe what the Tory Party has - in Jonathan Aitken's recent euphemism. In other words, a state of thorough dissension and division.

WONK n. sl. Someone who goes one stage better than a nerd. That, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is an insignificant or contemptible person, who might be conventional, affected or studious. Wonk , which became big in the mid-90s, carries the same element of unattractive swottishness, but has the benefit of putting it to good use and being in the know. Think of it as a nerd who gets dates (qv policy wonk).

XEROCRACY n. The process by which single-issue protesters - from anti-road campaigners to cyclists - take control of their own destinies by photocopying maps and leaflets. A successor to democracy.

YCDBSOYA! excl. A political acronmym that's so weak it's bound to be shortlived. Attributed to Lady Porter, the shy and retiring former head of Westminster Council, it stands for: "You Can't Do Business Sitting On Your Arse." In fact, it's so weak we're not entirely sure why it's made it into this book . . .

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 3 - Crime and punishment

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 3: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT


The slang of cops and robbers

AFFIRMATIVE SHOPPING n. sl. Looting - at least, that's the phrase they've been using on the streets of The Country Formerly Known As Zaire. It seems the military, in particular, were so fond of removing goods not entirely their own that the cynics felt the need to coin a phrase.

BANANA n. British street slang for a corrupt police officer, initially used to refer to the Special Patrol Group. You could always spot them, according to the word on the street, because they were yellow, bent, and hanging around in bunches.

BOLIVIAN MARCHING POWDER n. sl. Cocaine - as popularised by Jay McInerney in his book Bright Lights, Big City.

CAR BRA n. sl. A black plastic cover that you fit around the front of your car to absorb the radar signals emitted from all those roadside speed traps. Apparently, the device can confuse the machine when it's attempting to read your no doubt excessive speed, so no more of those irritating speeding tickets through the post. Also known as a stealth bra.

CARJACK v. To order a car driver out at gunpoint, then get behind the wheel and drive off yourself. A craze, and word, which came out of Detroit and found its way across Europe. In New York, police have warned drivers to drive on if another car as much as touches theirs: it could be just another carjacker seeking a long-term test drive.

CLONE v. To fix a stolen mobile phone so that it appears to belong to a paying subscriber. It works by a process called "rechipping". And with 15,000 phones stolen throughout the UK every month, someone isn't going to like their bill.

COMPUTER INJURY n. A new legal offence being talked of as the big crime of the year 2000: it is what happens to your computer when it is damaged by another computer that has failed to prepare for the millennium time-bomb. If you fail to re-set your computer's internal clock, and your computer talks to another, it could cause it untold harm. And you will be legally liable.

DIBBLE n. sl. A brush with the officers of Her Majesty's law-enforcement agency. Think of Officer Dibble, the policeman who invariably pursued Top Cat in those historic cartoons. The term has been identified by Newsweek as part of the hip new "BritSpeak" now being spoken in fashionable haunts across London, allegedly the world's trendiest city.

DROWNING n. A modern form of crime popular among those who don't like working too hard: it is the art of gaining entry to a property by claiming to work for the water company. Look in any local paper to see how far it has spread.

GARAGE ACTION n. sl. What police officers call the legal actions that - at least until Stoke Newington police unexpectedly lost a case against The Guardian - have brought them a steady stream of libel damages from newspapers. Why? Because the sums involved can often pay for a new garage at home.

GREEN-COLLAR FRAUD n. A new type of deception, it's the use of bogus environmental claims to sell merchandise. In New York, for instance, a former state attorney sought to ban the words "biodegradable", "degradable" or "photodegradable" in advertising for any plastic product, because plastic does not decompose in landfills. It's all part of the greenlash (qv).

KEGNAP v. To steal beer kegs and melt them down for their aluminium value. Brewers say kegnapping is costing them £10 million a year: in one recent raid police found more than 3,000.

MAFIOSKI n. Where the Godfather and Dr Zhivago meet. The Russian mafia is now well established in Britain, according to the crime authorities, murdering, extorting and stealing. Can police stop them? No - but at least they've lost no time in agreeing on a name for them.

MARKETING FLEXIBILITY PAYMENT n. euph. A bribe. At least, that seems the best way to describe the $1,500 the Baltimore Sun offered its unionised employees as a "one-time marketing flexibility payment" to sign a contract by a specific date.

NARCOTERRORIST n. The fashionable career criminal for the nineties: requirements include large quantities of Class A drugs, automatic weapons, and some well-placed South American business partners. President George Bush did more than anyone to popularise the job.

SCREAM n. What frequently follows a criminal conviction in a court of law. It's not the sentenced person's emotional reaction, but prison slang for an appeal. In the meantime, the convict might have to serve a weekend or a haircut (a very short spell in prison, also known as a shit and a shave), a tramp's lagging (a 90-day sentence), a calendar or a stretch (a year), or perhaps a pontoon (21 months). Which allows all that extra time to go about creating colourful slang terms for every aspect of criminal life.

GO ON TOUR WITH THE NATIONAL v. sl. Prison slang for the practise of being moved around the country's prison system.

SHOULDER SURF v. To use a pair of binoculars to read the charge-card numbers of people using payphones. A popular current fraud that is bemusing the telephone industry, and by far the most linguistically creative crime of the moment.

TOUCH THE DOG'S ARSE v. No, vicar, nothing to do with bestial pleasures - this is current prison slang for the crime of Taking and Driving Away a vehicle. It's a much more colourful alternative to the simple TDA, which is how police officers in southern England refer to the theft of a car. That description is confusing to police in London, where such offences are known as TAWOCs (taking away without owner's consent), and among Geordies, where they are TWOCs (taking without owner's consent). None of this mattered until the Channel Tunnel meant a new Franglais had to be developed so that Anglo-French tunnel cops could understand each other. Now, imagine the confusion when, for instance, Thames Valley police refer to drunks in charge of cars as DICs: what will Jean-Claude think when his walkie-talkie warns him that DICs have been seen coming up the ring-road?

WHITE-POWDER BAR n. Lawyers experienced in drugs cases who are called upon to defend alleged dealers. Came to prominence at the start of the decade, when General Noriega of Panama sought help from Miami's white-powder bar to release his chilled assets. That, in the lawyers' slang, meant assets that had not quite been frozen.

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 2 - Sex and gender

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 2: SEX AND GENDER


Boys, girls, and that whole reproductive business

ANDROPAUSAL adj. The male equivalent of menopausal, a term just reaching the mainstream language from chemical-pathology journals. The andropause is that mid-life period which sends some men into a crisis. Now it has been spotted even in Vanity Fair: a proof of a further victory for manism (qv).

BATMOBILE v. In a relationship, to build barriers designed to keep your emotions hidden. Named after the metal plating on Batman's car that springs up whenever he is vulnerable. The Economist reports a usage example: "She started talking marriage and he started batmobiling . . ."

BINRAKE v. sl. To trawl around a dance-floor at the end of an unsuccessful night's cruising, in a last-minute bid to attract even the least desirable partner. It's gay slang, particularly popular in Edinburgh.

BITCH n. Woman, in a non-pejorative sense. Huh? Well, ask feminists such as Elizabeth Hilts, whose book Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch has led the movement to reclaim an otherwise derogatory term. "The bitch," she points out, "is the Bette Davis in each of us. Stop apologising for her. Set her free!" (See also queer .)

BLOKEDOM n. That place inhabited by those readers of Loaded, Nick Hornby books, and everyone else indentified in recent years as New Lads, Soft Lads, or any other label that justifies more traditional male thinking.

BOBBITT n. sl. As defined by Anne Seaton, of Chambers Dictionary, this is "a woman's violent and vengeful removal of her partner's penis. Perhaps one might call it 'depenistration'." It's also now being extended to mean metaphorically cutting someone down: the Washington Times praised George Bush for "the bobbitting of both Saddam Hussein and Manuel Noriega". The term is named for John Wayne Bobbitt, whose wife Lorena most famously wielded the knife. And boy, did he feel cut up about it . . .

CHICKENHEAD sl. n. An unattractive young woman, in US black street slang. Also known as KFC brand chickenheads - and subdivided into extra spicy (ugly, but dressed fashionably), and original recipe (ugly, and dressed badly). And you thought smackin' bitches up was non-PC...

CROTCH ROCK n. mus. The branch of heavy-metal music known for the strong sexual element of its performances. If the band is all-woman, its hardcore music has a more specific label: fox-core.

CRUSH FETISHIST n. A late nineties form of sexual fetishism. According to Web sites like "Exclusively Crushing", practitioners like watching "gorgeous women's feet stomping [on] . . . everything from food to cigarettes and insects". Whatever turns you on.

CUPCAKE n. sl. A male homosexual, in current prison slang - and if that doesn't suit your prejudice, try chutney ferret, clockwork orange, turd burglar, pillow biter and batty boy. And for those who are un-decided, there's the half-iron, a heterosexual who associates with homosexuals (iron hoof rhymes with poof). Collected by Angela Devlin for her book Prison Patter, published by Waterside Press.

DE FACTO n. Another contender to describe a partner you're not formally married to. It's most common in Australia, but has been heading closer to home. No wonder: friend, special friend and partner never quite worked, and that American invention POSSLQ was hardly destined to catch on - that, as the US Census Bureau put it, means a "Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters". Snappy.

DOWNDATE v. To seek a partner below one's expectations, because forming a relationship is just so darned difficult these days. Currently heard on numerous local-radio problem hours. Not to be confused with downshifting (qv) - the act of reducing one's expenditure and simplifying one's lifestyle in order to step aside from the rat-race - although the two trends may be linked: no wonder no one will date you if home-made muesli pie is your idea of a cheap yet nourishing romantic dinner . . .

EMBRYO ABUSE n. How the "pro-life" movement describes in-vitro fertilisation and other reproductive technologies that may lead to some fertilised eggs being discarded. Other emotive terms are popular - from human vivisection to lethal discrimination against the unborn. Needless to say, practitioners of this technology have their own euphemisms: if additional embryos result from assisted conception, a surgeon will talk of selective pregnancy reduction, or even selective survival.

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION n. The politically acceptable way to describe those sexual difficulties that may prevent a man, let's say, from rising to the occasion. For, according to a US government panel, "impotence engenders helplessness".

FARMERETTE n., f A female farmer, according to the organisers of Ireland's national ploughing championships in Tipperary. Dublin's Council for the Status of Women weren't too happy and demanded a change. But farmerette was given official backing. Prizes for the first citing of shepherdette.

FUCK-IN-LAW n. Someone who has had sex with someone you have had sex with. This new relationship was brought to you by the age of Aids awareness; although we still await the customised Hallmark greetings cards.

GENDER CREEP n. The gradual absorption of feminist values into mainstream culture. Feminists and scholars are using the term to describe the "silent revolution" by which election results, workplace practice, even the rise of daytime TV presenters are being determined by women's new power.

GENDER-INCLUSIVE adj. Language (typically) designed not to offend the sensitivities of men or women. Oxford University Press's "gender-inclusive" Bible, for instance, talks about "Father-Mother" God - which has tended to offend just about everybody . . .

GENDER PERFORMATIVITY n. What you have if you reject conventional ways of defining your sexuality, refusing to be "hetero-", "homo-" or "bi-", but (according to today's postmodern requirements) express your sexuality through manner and style. No doubt some of your best friends are gender performatists.

GIRL POWER n. Hardline feminism, as defined by those leading post-suffragettes, the Spice Girls. Its precise meaning: "buy our records".

GLASS CEILING n. The barrier that faces nineties working women, through which they can see, but never seem to attain, their career goals. Identified by the Hansard Society, a movement to promote equal opportunity, which fears that although the law is supposed to remove the barriers to women's progress, invisible prejudices are placed in their way.

HASBIAN n. sl. A former lesbian who is now in a heterosexual relationship. As defined in Psychology Today.

HET UP v. To tone down the homosexual content of a publication, television programme, etc., in order not to alienate the heterosexual audience. The term came to prominence when a former editor of GQ magazine was revealed to have been hetting up his publication by reducing the hunky-torso quota.

HITTIN' THE SKINS sl. Getting naked - the most up-to-the-moment euphemism for the sexual act, according to Entertainment Monitor magazine. It also points out that horny means ready for sex, and your booty refers to your buttocks. Bound to come in useful in certain situations.

HUMAN HEN n. A woman who sells her eggs which, via infertility clinics, eventually hatch as human beings. A not entirely flattering phrase in the current embryology debate.

INFANTILISM n. The sexual practice that seeks to recreate the early childhood thrill of "total incontinence": infantilists pursue their fetish at parties where they put nappies on each other.

LESBEING n. The new gender identity currently challenging the hegemony of lesbian, a hot debate in lesbian-studies faculties. It's something to do with actively living the role. And, excuse the phrase, it's what the academics typify as the "exhilarating gender-fuck of queer politics".

LIPSTICK LESBIAN n. They're chic, glamorous, and flaunt their sexuality. Homosexuality, that is - still, the media boys have become turned on to bands such as Fem 2 Fem, singing their subversive message: "Switch, bitch, it feels good."

LUG n. What today's gender-correct American woman tends to be: Lesbian Until Graduation. The word has spread as lesbian culture has hit the US mainstream since the mid-nineties. And now the dictionaries have acknowledged this contemporary life-cycle lifestyle.

LUNCHBOX n. That area of a man's anatomy which is accentuated when he wears tight shorts - as in "Linford's lunchbox", the revealing running shorts favoured by athletic Mr Christie. Jacobs, the cream-cracker people, have been advertising a double-entendre play on the phrase: a biscuit described as "every man's dream: an extra one-and-a-half inches in the lunchbox department".

MANISM n. The men's movement's new ideology that seeks to stand up to feminism. It argues that men as a group have rights that must be spoken up for. Particularly favoured by those reeling from harsh divorce settlements or the CSA.

MSM n. init. Homosexuals, as described by Barnet Healthcare NHS Trust. That's Men who have Sex with Men, as explained in a Guardian advertisement the trust placed for Aids education field workers. The advert clarifies that the field worker will "conduct field work in identified Public Sex Environments", which it helpfully reminds applicants is, of course, another way of talking about PSEs. Don't worry if you missed the ad: needless to say, there were plenty of extended commentaries on it in
the tabloids.

MUM n. sl. An unattractive woman, according to dealing-room slang circulating in the City of London. As opposed to a babe, who is one considered to be rather desirable, or a woman who tends to support feminist causes - known, rather quaintly, as a lesbian.

PG n. init. Someone who is Probably Gay, as revealed by Cosmopolitan magazine's guide for single women to help them identify suitable dating fodder.

PHALLOCENTRIC COCKOCRACY n. The ultimate target for the attacks of extremist nineties feminists, as identified by the Spectator magazine. Until we hear of Hillary Clinton establishing a Phallocentric Cockocracy Working Party, we will presume they were joking; but you never know.

PINK POUND n. The spending power of gay people. It's not that their pounds ar any different from straight people's - more that they have rather a lot of them, and are keen to dispense them wherever entrepreneurs provide quality gay-specific goods and services.

PRE-EMBRYO n. A young human embryo, a term invented by practitioners of the new reproductive technologies to fight off the emotional claims of the "pro-life" movement. It's a cold, scientific word designed to differentiate the young embryo from the "living" embryo and so make it acceptable to use in research. (See also embryo abuse.)

QUEER adj. A term meaning gay that is no longer considered offensive - at least, not if it's uttered by someone who is queer. It's part of a process whereby groups reclaim words previously considered offensive; a similar process took place among black people for the word nigger. But do be careful about using the terms if you're an outsider.

QUEERARCHY n. The elite setting the pace of a self-proclaimed gay culture, labelled Queer or New Queer. The Queerarchy is said to encompass heroes such as Derek Jarman, Jean Cocteau and now Madonna. But critics say the culture is nostalgic, anti-woman and does nothing for the cause.

RICE QUEEN n. sl. In current gay slang, this is a man attracted by Oriental men; not to be confused with a snow queen, one who prefers white men. And a checker-board? Easy: that's one who is atttracted both to black and white.

RUMPTY n. What used to be called nookie, rumpy pumpy and steamy sex sessions. Yes, the tabloids' latest subtle code word to indicate sexual activity. As in "Mike Reid back for rumpty with Babs" (The Sun).

SEX-CONFIRMATION OPERATION n. You might call it a sex-change operation, but Don Laub has his own phrase. Dr Laub, a Californian surgeon who's performed 600 of the things, has a mission to confirm your identity. No cutting remarks, now.

SNAG n. acr. A Sensitive New-Age Guy. John Updike used it in a recent New Yorker review of a book with a long title about sex, shopping and the novel. So it must exist.

SNSM n. abbr. A Single Non-Smoking Male, in the language of the small ads for those seeking to down-, or up-, date (qv). You'll also need to know that a DPF is a Divorced Professional Female. The language of love, so to speak.

TRANSGENDERISTn. Someone who occupies that place between conventional male and female where increasing numbers of westerners are living. Typically his (the male pronoun is generally used) breasts and womb will have been removed but he will not have had phalloplasty.

UNGENDERED adj. A term, like gender-inclusive (qv) , for the language we are being encouraged to use to avoid offending people. Popular particularly among the most politically sensitive academics, whose texts must be inoffensive first and readable last, ungendered language has been treated to ensure that it excludes any gender references at all.

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Chapter 1 - People types

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

CHAPTER 1: PEOPLE TYPES


What type of nineties person are you?

ADULTESCENT n. Someone steeped in youth culture who is old enough to know better. Generally between their mid-30s and mid-40s, adultescents (also called those in middle youth) can't quite accept that they are growing up. (Hence typically found among newspaper editors, government ministers, etc etc.)

BABY BUSTER n. The advertisers' term for the over-educated, under-employed "Generation X" consumer born between about 1965 and 1974 (see X-ers , below). "Buster"? That's partly to contrast them with the "baby boom" generation; but it's also because advertisers kept confronting them once the high-spending eighties boom had given way to the bust days of the mid-nineties . . .

CARPET TREADER n. sl. What estate agents call timewasters who spend their weekends looking round houses, with neither the inclination nor the money to buy. A popular pastime in the nineties, simply because nobody can actually afford to buy property any more.

CARPETBAGGER n. fin. A speculator who moves money in and out of building-society accounts in the hope of bonuses when they list on the stockmarket. The term originally meant pioneering Americans who carried their possessions around in carpets after the Civil War. The only similarity nowadays is the civil war that breaks out among building-society boards when the speculators start getting impatient.

CIDERHEAD n. The nineties version of the eighties' lager lout. You are most likely to find ciderheads in the West Country, where police keep blaming them for public-order disturbances. Which means they join crackheads and (for those who remember) breadheads as modern media stereotypes.

DATAHOLIC n. Someone addicted to that very nineties drug, information. According to a Reuters study of 1,000 business people across Europe, we are becoming a continent of "screen junkies" and "information addicts". More than half of this new generation of dataholics claims to get a "high" when they find the information they need.

DUMP n. acr. A Destitute Unemployed Mature Professional, one who suddenly confronts a falling standard of living. The American writer Craig Carpel has noted that 65 per cent of Americans have no savings for retirement - so it is not surprising that the dumps are down in the dumps.

FADED GREEN n. A consumer who has become well-enough read on environmental issues to reject the meaningless greenery in which multinationals have been clothing their products. The roll-on deodorant that boasts of being ozone-friendly, for instance, would not impress a faded green.

FEMINAZI n. sl. A charming term for a hardline feminist, thrust into common usage by US talk-show host Rush Limbaugh, and thereafter wielded by those more right-wing members of the patriarchy who seek to deride the sisterhood. Derogatory, if we needed to say so.

FORENSIC HISTORIAN n. euph. A conspiracy theorist, in his (rarely her) own phrase. Fond of discussing the Kennedy assassination, UFOs and Waco, and the huge plot to wipe out Diana. He can prove, in all cases, that the Government is guilty. It's just that no one will listen to him.

FUTON MAN n. The stereotype invented by adpeople early on in this caring, whole-person decade to describe consumers whose needs are largely organic. Some marketing types talk of them as the the muesli knitters or the brown ricers. But they are not to be confused with fully fledged Greenpeace warriors , the rather more committed group advertisers have tended to abandon because their dogged environmentalism makes them rather sceptical consumers.

GLOBAL TEEN n. The digitally clued-in younger sisters and brothers of the Generation Xers. We used to call them computer nerds, but then Douglas Coupland invented global teens. Logging on now to a network near you.

GREEBO n. A motorbike courier. Derives from the stereotypical grease on their hands, and possibly hair. And if you want them to take you seriously, don't talk about motorbikes. Talk about rat bikes.

HIMBO n. The male equivalent of the bimbo - a man known for his brawn but certainly not his brain. The good news is that it redressed the gender balance towards the feminists' agenda; the bad news is that it meant we had to put up with David Hasselhoff and Jean Van Damme.

LAST-TIME BUYER n. sl. What estate agents call those older people in the market for sheltered housing. And who said estate agents are insensitive types?

LOSER MAGNET n. jarg. The sort of person who ends up talking only to the dull people at parties, in the latest psychotherapy jargon. That's because their bland, unthreatening body language attracts wimps. They might even be a harriet - that's a woman who is so darned nice that she's beyond redemption. Hey, enjoy the party, now.

MAW n. The Model, Actress or Whatever currently being seen wherever fashion demands. MAWs look good and go to all the right parties, from Clerkenwell to Los Angeles, but tend not to ask themselves too many of the more profound questions of life. Still, with skin like that, who needs an opinion on globalisation?

MIDDLE YOUTH n. That new and fashionable stage in life - invented by the older woman's magazine Red - that used simply to be called middle age. Now, however, it is apparently acceptable to go clubbing until you're 50: the old can not only be young at heart, but now young in mind and body too.

MOCKNEY n., adj. A "mock Cockney" whose accent affects a street-cred working-class tone. Popular among Old Etonians working in the music business and Oxbridge students who decide to join a road protest.

NIPPLES n. acr. New Irish Professional People Living in London Executive Suites. Yes, it's the new acronym for immigrants from across the sea enjoying London's bright lights. No Irish jokes, please.

NOTE n. acr. A caring, rural type who opposes development a tad more doggedly than the nimby. Whereas nimbies promise that the development will be Not In My Back Yard, the note says Not Over There Either. There is also now the banana : environmentalists in Colorado, in the States, use a slogan that stands for Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anybody.

OK YARDIE n. sl. A rather well-brought-up type who now lives in the fashionably decadent and gang-haunted parts of West London. They tend to say "OK, yah," just as Sloanes do, but also live cheeck-by-jowl with the yardies of Ladbroke Grove. See also trustafarian.

PONG n. acr. A Poet of the New Generation - the not-quite-serious poets who are sniffily dismissed by the old-timers. The fine-poetry magazine Agenda says the pongs are far too keen on marketing themselves where they should care about their art. And that smells bad.

PUPPY n. Forget the yuppies, buppies and chuppies of the eighties: after the young, the black and the Chinese versions, we now have the Indian. These are the Punjabi Upwardly-mobile Professionals, recently identified in Punjab's swelling cities. Their discovery suggests that we're fast running out of letters of the alphabet to affix to -uppy , so if you're still not covered, you ought to book yours now. And that's not even mentioning the yappy (qv, below).

SANDWICH GENERATION n. That sector of society caught between the young children it is bringing up and the older relatives it is having to care for. A good deal less fun than the X-ers (qv).

SCHMOOSEOISIE, THE n. That new celebrity class which chatters away, and invites its dearest friends to chatter away, on programmes from Start The Week to Have I Got News For You. From the Yiddish term shmooze - which means to flatter, talk up, lavish excessive affection upon.

SINBAD n. acr. A woman who has a Single Income, No Boyfriend, and is Absolutely Desperate. The Jewish Chronicle, in particular, has been keen to promote her interests through its small ads.

SITCOM n. acr. A person who has a Single Income, Two Children and an Oppressive Mortgage. From the people who started out as yuppies in the mid-eighties, briefly became dinkies (with a Double Income and No Kids), and now wish they'd settled for a more economically viable acronym.

SLACKER n. Haven't yet come across this concept? You must be part of that terminally bored twenty-something generation, far too cynical and aimless to keep up with current buzzwords. In other words a typical slacker named after the seminal 1991 film by Richard Linklater. But who cares anyway?

SMUG MARRIED n. That sociological phenomenon of the late 90s identified by Bridget Jones in her Diary. Smug Marrieds want all the singletons around them to know how clever they have been in settling down. Spot them by their exciting monologues about their child's favourite video, or their despicable tendency to bring to a party one bottle instead of two. They're smug, as the Evening Standard put it, "because having spent half the eighties and all of the nineties as sad singletons, Hallelujah!, salvation finally arrived".

SOCIAL ENTREPRENEUR n. One of the new breed of local activists who believe that energy and organisation can improve a community. To be found organising street patrols to liberate red-light districts, or running local exchange-trading schemes.

SUNSET PEOPLE n. pl. Marketing people's more pleasant way of describing those in the increasingly important grey market of ageing consumers. They'll use this term, or other euphemisms like third-stagers, when they want to impress them. When they don't, they're simply slapheads, or - if they're too busy huddled in front of the fire to be desirable consumers - they're known as the old and the cold .

TRUSTAFARIAN n. A member of the upper-crust London set who live off a trust fund (the female is often a trust-fund babe). Often heard asking: "Is she a TTP (Tatler-type person)?' The meaning differs in the States, where trustafarian is a more mocking term for rich white young nouveaux-hippies, who tend to be wired to the Internet, buy expensive consumer durables and often wear their hair in dreadlocks.

TWEENIE n. A new marketing term used by television executives when referring to the 10- to 16-year-olds whose tastes lie between children's and adult programmes. "Kids who aren't quite grown up and aren't quite little, who are interested in more than mindless games and willing to be entertained at a slightly more intelligent level," as a Channel 4 spokeswoman put it.

TWIRTYSOMETHING n. Yet another demographic group you never knew existed. This time the New York Times has discovered that 25- to 35-year-olds are deciding elections and setting trends. A joke? Maybe, but someone is already trying to reach that market.

UNDERWOLF n. The underdog, as re-invented by youthful think-tank Demos ina recent report on young people. The new, feisty underwolf has attitude, unlike the conventionally disempowered underdog, and bites back.

X-ERS n. pl. The mass of disaffected social outsiders born between about 1958 and 1971 who have wearied of consumer culture and now lack any beliefs. Named by Douglas Coupland in his 1991 novel Generation X, X-ers have "mired themselves in the detritus of American [and now European] cultural memory".

YAPPIE n. acr. A Young Affluent Parent, who was probably a yuppie before children came along - as invented by the Henley Centre, the research organisation that likes to invent new social categories. Except, come on, guys, no one's going to take this one seriously. Especially as, already, journalists have also defined yappies as "Young Athletic Participants", "Young Asian Professionals" and, er, "talkative yuppies". And that's not even counting "Young Americans in Prague". Which goes to prove that no one really knows what these research consultancies are actually talking about...

ZIPPIES n. pl. The latest youth cult to hit the US. Zen-Inspired Pronoia Pagans are a cross between hippies, New Age travellers and ravers, and they've been partying all summer in techno-trance mode. They claim to suffer from pronoia - which, according to representative zippies, is "the sneaking suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to help you".

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A Glossary for the Nineties: Introduction

[Taken from A Glossary for the Nineties, by David Rowan (Prion Books, 1998), based on the column of that name in The Guardian's Weekend magazine through most of the 1990s. © David Rowan]

INTRODUCTION


AT THE beginning of Reader's Digest every month, you are brashly reminded that It Pays To Enrich Your Word Power. Diligently and dutifully, you memorise such socially necessary words as soporific and atrabilious. And then, when your frequent use of soporific fails to attract admiring glances from bosses and dates, you begin to feel atrabilious. Why is the world so unimpressed by your efforts?

As the ad execs say, marketing is all about finding the sexy angle. And if you want to pitch yourself as a clued-in, nineties type of trendsetter, the Readers Digest is the last place you will turn to learn how to talk. If you really want to be dope and kickin', to be wizzy rather than a wuss, you'll take your terminology from far hipper places. Rap songs, the frontiers of technology, criminals' slang or advertisers' jargon - all contribute to the language we're constantly having to re-learn. And then just as you think you're up to speed, there the language goes and updates itself again.

Ten years ago, even five or three, you might have spilled your lager if someone in a pub had asked you whether you were a sinbad or a sitcom. Now, if your vocabulary is up to date, you know they're making a simple enquiry as to your marital status: whether you have a Single Income, No Boyfriend, and are Absolutely Desperate - or whether you in fact have a Single Income, Two Children and an Oppressive Mortgage. If it had been suggested a couple of years ago that you should bookmark them for a future date, or signal to them that you would not consider downdating, you might have responded with a dwerbish ingorance that would have impressed nobody. Now you ought really to know that you are faced with a choice between taking a phone number, and rejecting them as inadequate to meet your standards.

Still, no need to worry if you're still not fully familiar with all of those phrases: you've come to the right place. This book is designed to help. The language we use is permanently updating itself, under the influence of everything from drink marketing to drug-rehabilitation centres. From skateboarders' slang to politicians' euphemisms, new words and phrases don't stop heading into the public consciousness. And, whether we're adultescents or smug marrieds, we ignore them under peril of losing touch.

The language grows new words from the slang of subcultures, the jargon of specialists, the demands of new technology and new social trends, and from things that newsmakers say. It only took George Bush reading his lips, or the bobbitting of an American whose wife cut him off in his prime, for us all to develop new ways of talking. Many of the new terms do little to enrich the language, and serve only to hide what people want to say - from the euphemisms of business chiefs to the jargon of "experts" who want to keep you in the dark. But many, too, add colour, humour and richness to the dialogues of daily life - and many more are simply very useful.

This book is a sampler of the language as the nineties come to a close. It is not a dictionary of neologisms: there are plenty of those on the market, each with excellent teams of lexicographers to hold each new coinage up to rigorous scrutiny. Nor is it a comprehensive record of new words - a list of all the coinages even of 1998 would extend to a volume far longer than this one, and rather too many of them would be technical and specialist terms you wouldn't find too fascinating. No, this book, pure and simply, is a small and biased selection of a few of the more interesting terms to have emerged in the 1990s to enrich the ever-flowing stream that is the English language.

The words and phrases here have all been recorded in public use: they were used in newspaper and magazine articles, or have been uttered by broadcasters and politicians. Some I overheard in conversations among among bus passengers or executive airline passengers; others emerged in academic journals or billboard advertisements. Then there were the long conversations I had with people who use their own specialist slang and jargon: afternoons down at the South Bank to hang out with skateboarders, or evenings at the gay bars of the West End interviewing patrons about the slang they use; visits to advertising agencies and to teenage magazines. Along the way I picked too many brains to give adequate credit here - needless to say, from the military experts and the police officers to the rap DJs and the anti-vivisection campaigners, many people with a specialist knowledge have been kind and unravelled some of the secrets for us outsiders.

Not all of these terms will last. The language is always moving on, as people vote with their tongues to determine just how they wish to be understood, and new words are often the first to be left behind. But some, already, have become so indispensable to modern life that it is hard to imagine how we coped without them: was there really life before office workers had to hot-desk and newspapers worried about dumbing down? What did we call slackers or policy wonks before we had the words for them?

Most of these terms have appeared in the Guardian's Weekend magazine, and I'm grateful to the editor, Deborah Orr, and to Billy Mann and the team who have nurtured the Glossary column since 1992. Before that my weekly Lingua Franca column let me monitor the slang of dozens of sub-cultures, and I owe a debt to Roger Alton for giving the column space. I'm grateful to the authors of the Sheath File, and to Antoinette Renouf and her team at the University of Liverpool, for the examples of their work quoted here; and I've found it useful to consult Web sites including alt.culture.com and the Hackers' Dictionary. Guardian readers were also a valuable resource, sending in their own examples of new usages, and telling me when they disagreed with my initial translations.

I hope you'll think of this as a phrase book for the language as the millennium approaches. As with most phrase books you take on holiday, you'll no doubt be met only with bemused faces when you start to use it. But I hope you'll at least have some fun preparing yourself for your journey.

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