Evening Standard: Get yourself a goodwill ambassador
By David Rowan
NORMALLY when the UN appoints a celebrity 'goodwill ambassador', we can expect the odd Hello! photoshoot and a few excruciating speeches. But its latest recruit, Angelina Jolie, back from the refugee camps in Pakistan, has just pledged the United Nations $1 million of her own money to help the Afghan refugees. Her UN bosses can barely conceal their delight.
So let's hear it for the goodwill ambassadors. Admittedly, once you needed the fame of Audrey Hepburn, today Linda Gray will do. But when they're delivering the message - as Angelina was on US TV last week then they make the 'real' diplomats seem superfluous. We therefore propose that the UN sacks the Security Council, and lets these, our favourite goodwill ambassadors, run the world. Think what a better place it would be.
Angelina Jolie
Represents: The UN refugee agency Statesmanlike speech: 'I hope to reach out to anybody that I can so that people understand refugees, who they are ... (and are) more open-minded to refugees.'
Strength: As Lara Croft, saved the world from the evil 'Illuminati' while wearing guns strapped to her thighs and breasts.
Weakness: Wore black rubber trousers and a bloodstained shirt to marry Jonny Lee Miller. The marriage lasted a year.
Greatest insight: 'People think that wear black a lot because I'm so dark and cool. But I wear black because I spill stuff on myself all the time.'
Geri Halliwell
Represents: The UN campaign for 'reproductive healthcare, gender equality and the empowerment of women'.
Statesmanlike speech: 'Puberty is really hard. I remember the massive pressure to lose one's virginity everyone else seemed to have done it.'
Strength: Elaborated a complex political philosophy known as 'Girl Power', with its ideology of 'zigazig-ah'.
Weakness: Her nude modelling, exposed breast on TV, and use of a nun's habit in a pop video might alienate some foreign heads of state.
As might her singing.
Greatest insight: 'My favourite word is 'Existentialism'. I can't say it and I'm not quite sure what it means.'
Ronaldo
Represents: The UN Development Programme; has also worked for the Aids programme.
Statesmanlike speech: 'When I score a goal, I bring joy to people. I hope that I can soon bring joy not only to my fans but to those living below the poverty line.'
Strength: Easier name to remember than rival UN ambassadors such as Ashi Sangay Choden Wangchuck.
Weakness: Likely to be unavailable for eradicating world poverty because of knee-ligament trouble.
Greatest insight: '(My baby)will be called Ronald, because we like going to McDonald's.'
Robbie Williams
Represents: Unicef as 'special representative to the music industry' Statesmanlike speech: 'Some of the best moments of my life have been those spent (for Unicef) with children in Mozambique and Sri Lanka.'
Strength: Ability to lie convincingly when describing some of the best moments of his life.
Weakness: Tendency to disappear on yearlong benders.
Greatest insight: 'I don't want to play James Bond. Pierce (Brosnan) is suave and sophisticated, while I pee off balconies from hotel rooms.'
Linda Gray
Represents: The UN Population Fund's healthcare campaign, alongside Geri.
Statesmanlike speech: 'My role is to meet people, talk with them, listen. Because, while we are from different cultures, we have one heart.'
Strength: Holds the world record for lip-quivering on camera.
Weakness: An alcoholic who was locked up by her unfaithful husband in a sanatorium, before she shot him three times, had her baby kidnapped, and began an affair with a farmhand. Or was that Sue Ellen?
Greatest insight: 'But JR ... I'm really not an alcoholic.'
Michael Douglas
Represents: The UN as a 'messenger of peace', with nukes a special interest.
Statesmanlike speech: 'What I can do as an actor is basically speak as a citizen of the planet.'
Strength: Has experience of playing the American president.
Weakness: May need to rush to Swansea each time the in-laws ask to see baby Dylan.
Greatest insight: 'Sex addiction? It's all bullshit ...'
Martina Hingis
Represents: The World Health Organisation as ambassador for polio eradication.
Statesmanlike speech: 'I will do everything I can to smash this frightening disease off the planet.'
Strength: As the Williams sisters found, not scared to speak out on tough issues like race.
Weakness: Bound to accuse Africa of playing the race card.
Greatest insight: 'I think all children should ... use their legs to run around the playground.'
Martine McCutcheon
Represents: The charity WaterAid as goodwill emissary to Ethiopia.
Statesmanlike speech: 'I really feel in this day and age, everyone should be able to drink and wash in clean water.'
Strength: Fascinated by Ethiopian irrigation systems, according to the eight-page Hello! photo shoot.
Weakness: Rather more fascinated with upgrading her hotel and flights, according to annoyed staff at WaterAid. They said they wouldn't use her again.
Greatest insight: 'I've got boobs and a bottom. They're real.'
(Evening Standard, October 2 2001)
NORMALLY when the UN appoints a celebrity 'goodwill ambassador', we can expect the odd Hello! photoshoot and a few excruciating speeches. But its latest recruit, Angelina Jolie, back from the refugee camps in Pakistan, has just pledged the United Nations $1 million of her own money to help the Afghan refugees. Her UN bosses can barely conceal their delight.
So let's hear it for the goodwill ambassadors. Admittedly, once you needed the fame of Audrey Hepburn, today Linda Gray will do. But when they're delivering the message - as Angelina was on US TV last week then they make the 'real' diplomats seem superfluous. We therefore propose that the UN sacks the Security Council, and lets these, our favourite goodwill ambassadors, run the world. Think what a better place it would be.
Angelina Jolie
Represents: The UN refugee agency Statesmanlike speech: 'I hope to reach out to anybody that I can so that people understand refugees, who they are ... (and are) more open-minded to refugees.'
Strength: As Lara Croft, saved the world from the evil 'Illuminati' while wearing guns strapped to her thighs and breasts.
Weakness: Wore black rubber trousers and a bloodstained shirt to marry Jonny Lee Miller. The marriage lasted a year.
Greatest insight: 'People think that wear black a lot because I'm so dark and cool. But I wear black because I spill stuff on myself all the time.'
Geri Halliwell
Represents: The UN campaign for 'reproductive healthcare, gender equality and the empowerment of women'.
Statesmanlike speech: 'Puberty is really hard. I remember the massive pressure to lose one's virginity everyone else seemed to have done it.'
Strength: Elaborated a complex political philosophy known as 'Girl Power', with its ideology of 'zigazig-ah'.
Weakness: Her nude modelling, exposed breast on TV, and use of a nun's habit in a pop video might alienate some foreign heads of state.
As might her singing.
Greatest insight: 'My favourite word is 'Existentialism'. I can't say it and I'm not quite sure what it means.'
Ronaldo
Represents: The UN Development Programme; has also worked for the Aids programme.
Statesmanlike speech: 'When I score a goal, I bring joy to people. I hope that I can soon bring joy not only to my fans but to those living below the poverty line.'
Strength: Easier name to remember than rival UN ambassadors such as Ashi Sangay Choden Wangchuck.
Weakness: Likely to be unavailable for eradicating world poverty because of knee-ligament trouble.
Greatest insight: '(My baby)will be called Ronald, because we like going to McDonald's.'
Robbie Williams
Represents: Unicef as 'special representative to the music industry' Statesmanlike speech: 'Some of the best moments of my life have been those spent (for Unicef) with children in Mozambique and Sri Lanka.'
Strength: Ability to lie convincingly when describing some of the best moments of his life.
Weakness: Tendency to disappear on yearlong benders.
Greatest insight: 'I don't want to play James Bond. Pierce (Brosnan) is suave and sophisticated, while I pee off balconies from hotel rooms.'
Linda Gray
Represents: The UN Population Fund's healthcare campaign, alongside Geri.
Statesmanlike speech: 'My role is to meet people, talk with them, listen. Because, while we are from different cultures, we have one heart.'
Strength: Holds the world record for lip-quivering on camera.
Weakness: An alcoholic who was locked up by her unfaithful husband in a sanatorium, before she shot him three times, had her baby kidnapped, and began an affair with a farmhand. Or was that Sue Ellen?
Greatest insight: 'But JR ... I'm really not an alcoholic.'
Michael Douglas
Represents: The UN as a 'messenger of peace', with nukes a special interest.
Statesmanlike speech: 'What I can do as an actor is basically speak as a citizen of the planet.'
Strength: Has experience of playing the American president.
Weakness: May need to rush to Swansea each time the in-laws ask to see baby Dylan.
Greatest insight: 'Sex addiction? It's all bullshit ...'
Martina Hingis
Represents: The World Health Organisation as ambassador for polio eradication.
Statesmanlike speech: 'I will do everything I can to smash this frightening disease off the planet.'
Strength: As the Williams sisters found, not scared to speak out on tough issues like race.
Weakness: Bound to accuse Africa of playing the race card.
Greatest insight: 'I think all children should ... use their legs to run around the playground.'
Martine McCutcheon
Represents: The charity WaterAid as goodwill emissary to Ethiopia.
Statesmanlike speech: 'I really feel in this day and age, everyone should be able to drink and wash in clean water.'
Strength: Fascinated by Ethiopian irrigation systems, according to the eight-page Hello! photo shoot.
Weakness: Rather more fascinated with upgrading her hotel and flights, according to annoyed staff at WaterAid. They said they wouldn't use her again.
Greatest insight: 'I've got boobs and a bottom. They're real.'
(Evening Standard, October 2 2001)
posted by David Rowan at Tuesday, October 02, 2001
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