Trendsurfing: Trends to forget (The Times)
By David Rowan
If you came here looking for the latest geo-strategic socio-demographic macro-economic trend forecasts, you obviously haven't noticed that it's sweltering out there. So this week, we've told our vast global forecasting team to hold off reporting those big, life-changing trends that demand serious, grown-up analysis. Instead, we dedicate today's column to those insignificant, trivial, batty innovations that somehow we can't see the world latching on to. Ladies and gentlemen, it's our annual Trends Unlikely To Make It parade.
The indomitable spirit of capitalism fills our in-tray each week with an endless run of tragically over-optimistic pitches for unlikely "must-have" new products. If we're not being implored to promote dog chewing-gum as a "next big thing", we're being asked to push chocolate-flavoured toothpaste.
Now, thanks to web publisher Steve Johnson, you too can revel in the product innovations you have somehow managed to live without. Based on launches logged by Johnson's website (www.strangenewproducts.com), these are our tips for those least likely still to be around in 2007:
The Sideways Printed Book: Enjoy reading in bed, but can't quite get comfortable? A "revolutionary" new literary format, from Bed Books, claims to have the solution to cramps and back pains. Its answer: to print the text sideways, so that you prop Wuthering Heights on your chest while reading it in as flat a position as you like. Apparently, this "eliminates back and neck strain associated with the contorted body positions". It also makes you look like your horizontal-hold button is misfunctioning.
The Appetite-Suppressing Lip Balm: Worried about your figure but find it hard to stop snacking? A lip balm from Omega Tech Labs claims to contain "synergistic" blends of oils that help "curb your appetite". It's called Promise, which is suspiciously like the name of a brand of contraceptive. Heck, maybe it stops you falling pregnant, too.
The USB-Powered Drink-Warmer: As you peruse The Times Online website, your first concern, obviously, is to stop your coffee getting cold. Thankfully, a company called Addlogix now offers a solution: a Pounds 12 Velcro drink-warmer that you wrap around your mug and plug into your computer's USB slot. Mug being the operative word.
The Disposable Wig: Here's one for those whose hairlines are receding but who just can't face a transplant: Hairline Hair Direct Inc's "revolutionary new disposable hair system". Why worry about pesky wig tape, when these throw-away hairpieces come with tape already attached, designed to tear off and dump after 30 days of wear? Simply spend another Pounds 115 for next month's wig, and you can even change styles each season. How about it, Prime Minister?
The iPod Sex-Toy Converter: If you are still listening to pop tunes on your iPod, you are so 2005. For Pounds 30, you could connect a device to your MP3 player that converts music into vibrations designed to "take you to heaven". It's called the iBuzz, and it's delivered with his-and-her attachments that "stimulate in time to your favourite music".
The Dog-Snore Remedy: If your dog insists on snoring, this spray from SnoreStop is specially designed toI hang on, we've just lost the will to live. If this is capitalism, anyone got a viable alternative?
(The Times Magazine, July 28 2006)
If you came here looking for the latest geo-strategic socio-demographic macro-economic trend forecasts, you obviously haven't noticed that it's sweltering out there. So this week, we've told our vast global forecasting team to hold off reporting those big, life-changing trends that demand serious, grown-up analysis. Instead, we dedicate today's column to those insignificant, trivial, batty innovations that somehow we can't see the world latching on to. Ladies and gentlemen, it's our annual Trends Unlikely To Make It parade.
The indomitable spirit of capitalism fills our in-tray each week with an endless run of tragically over-optimistic pitches for unlikely "must-have" new products. If we're not being implored to promote dog chewing-gum as a "next big thing", we're being asked to push chocolate-flavoured toothpaste.
Now, thanks to web publisher Steve Johnson, you too can revel in the product innovations you have somehow managed to live without. Based on launches logged by Johnson's website (www.strangenewproducts.com), these are our tips for those least likely still to be around in 2007:
The Sideways Printed Book: Enjoy reading in bed, but can't quite get comfortable? A "revolutionary" new literary format, from Bed Books, claims to have the solution to cramps and back pains. Its answer: to print the text sideways, so that you prop Wuthering Heights on your chest while reading it in as flat a position as you like. Apparently, this "eliminates back and neck strain associated with the contorted body positions". It also makes you look like your horizontal-hold button is misfunctioning.
The Appetite-Suppressing Lip Balm: Worried about your figure but find it hard to stop snacking? A lip balm from Omega Tech Labs claims to contain "synergistic" blends of oils that help "curb your appetite". It's called Promise, which is suspiciously like the name of a brand of contraceptive. Heck, maybe it stops you falling pregnant, too.
The USB-Powered Drink-Warmer: As you peruse The Times Online website, your first concern, obviously, is to stop your coffee getting cold. Thankfully, a company called Addlogix now offers a solution: a Pounds 12 Velcro drink-warmer that you wrap around your mug and plug into your computer's USB slot. Mug being the operative word.
The Disposable Wig: Here's one for those whose hairlines are receding but who just can't face a transplant: Hairline Hair Direct Inc's "revolutionary new disposable hair system". Why worry about pesky wig tape, when these throw-away hairpieces come with tape already attached, designed to tear off and dump after 30 days of wear? Simply spend another Pounds 115 for next month's wig, and you can even change styles each season. How about it, Prime Minister?
The iPod Sex-Toy Converter: If you are still listening to pop tunes on your iPod, you are so 2005. For Pounds 30, you could connect a device to your MP3 player that converts music into vibrations designed to "take you to heaven". It's called the iBuzz, and it's delivered with his-and-her attachments that "stimulate in time to your favourite music".
The Dog-Snore Remedy: If your dog insists on snoring, this spray from SnoreStop is specially designed toI hang on, we've just lost the will to live. If this is capitalism, anyone got a viable alternative?
(The Times Magazine, July 28 2006)
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